Anesti Danelis: 10 ways to change your life

Written by: Anesti Danelis
Published: Thursday 17th August 2023

You probably clicked on this because your life is not exactly where you want it to be right now, and you thought that maybe there's something on here that'll help you out. Or perhaps you clicked on this because you wanted to scoff at yet another hippie-dippie wellness article.

Well, whoever you are, you've made it to the right part of the internet, because I have some advice that will change. your. life.

Here are the top 10 things you can do to positively impact your life, as seen on my comedy special: This Show Will Change Your Life playing at 3.55pm at Underbelly Bristo Square.

Let's go!

1. Hydrate

All of your problems can be solved by drinking water. Are you tired? Drink. Is your skin looking faded and dull? Drink. Did you just get arrested for grand larceny? Your lack of moral fiber and/or inability to organise yourself enough to get away with it could be improved with hydration! So fill up your cup and drink, drink, drink. If you're not peeing once every half hour, you're not drinking enough water.

2. Stop being poor!

If you're someone who doesn't have a lot of money, the best thing to do is to stop being poor. You owe it to yourself to be rich, it's easy. Be proactive, ask mummy and daddy for the inheritance and the literal keys to the castle. Duh.

3. Hold on to grudges!

Some might say that we should let go of things that no longer serve us and wish people well, but I say, hold onto grudges and wish them well... in hell.

Holding on to grudges is beneficial because it gives us a purpose in life, and a fire that keeps us moving. The trick to holding onto grudges is to be active about it, because if you just sit with it, the hatred will consume you. Get creative with your grudges! Try ruining your ex's life by spreading detrimental rumours about them, turning their friends against them, or even catfishing them on dating apps. You deserve to be happy, and sometimes the only way to be happy is to tear someone down.

4. Cut your family out of your life!

It can be a struggle when someone you love has a completely different belief system than you, or supports all the wrong things (all the wrong things meaning: anything that doesn't align with your exact viewpoints). The thing we have to remember is that every human is going to have their own set of viewpoints and outlooks on life, and this is normal. The only thing we can do is accept that they are different, and then cut them out of your life and never speak to them again.

5. Stop paying your rent!

Rent is a huge expense, and with inflation, it only keeps on going higher while our wages stay relatively the same. There's really no way to save for your future in this economy which is why I suggest opting out of paying your rent entirely. Simply phone your landlord, and let them know that you do not consent to paying rent anymore.

Did you know that rent didn't exist before 1996? Back then it was just a musical. However due to the popularity of the show, capitalism does what capitalism does, and landlords started charging for occupancy. Thanks for nothing, Idina Menzel aka Adele Dazeem.

6. Cheat on your partner!

The reality is that approximately 100% of people are cheaters. This is a real statistic, don't look it up, just trust me. So the best thing you can do is just assume your partner is cheating on you and cheat on them too. However, what happens next is magic. Both of you (assuming your partner is also cheating) will develop a guilt so strong that it will strengthen your relationship for the better. So go ahead, cheat. It might just save your relationship.

7. Outsource blame to your astrological signs!

Never be accountable for any role you play in anything. You shouldn't have to, that's unpaid labour, and the new you doesn't work for free. You could blame being late on the traffic, or play dumb in certain situations, but the best thing is to find an exterior source that is out of your control, like your astrological sign.

Did you get caught talking badly about someone behind their back? Not your fault, you're a Gemini and Gemini are known to be two-faced. Did I just slap you across the face? Sorry, I'm a Pisces and we get overly emotional. Did you get caught dating two people at once? Not your fault, you're a Libra and Libras are indecisive. See? Anyone who disagrees is disagreeing with the literal universe and that's just wild.

8. Steal from work!

Don't be afraid to steal from work. I'm not just talking about the supply closet, which has been blessing my home with hundreds of highlighters and pens, I'm talking about the other lesser known resources like the office fridge. Steal a lunch or two, the office fridge is your very own tupperware buffet. Syphon gas from the other cars in the parking lot, or even steal your co-workers identity.

Now you might be thinking "wait, isn't stealing bad?" Well, I would argue that your workplace is stealing precious time from your valuable life to help their company make millions of dollars. So in a way... it's even. Also, stealing is fun, fun things will make you happy, and a happy employee is a productive employee...

9. Catastrophise constantly

One could argue that keeping a positive outlook and believing that things will always work out is good for managing stress, but it will leave you unprepared. If something does go wrong, you will be faced with massive stress that will hit you all at once, which is not good for the heart.

The best thing to do is to always keep a steady stream of stress by believing that everything will go wrong. Plus, if you always assume things go wrong (which they will), and by some divine miracle things turn out okay (which is very unlikely) then you'll be pleasantly surprised. It'll be like a little treat (that you won't ever enjoy because everything will most likely go wrong).

10. Never be yourself!

Throughout my life people have always told me to be myself, and the right people will find you. Well, that's just a load of crap. Let's face the facts. If people don't like you for who you are, it's because you're a garbage person. If you just be yourself and hope the right people will find you, the only thing that will find you is a garbage truck.

My advice for anybody, especially those looking for love, is to never be yourself. Be anyone else. Personally I like to be "Ronald McTailpipe, 31, engineer from Serbia." This way you can hide all of the parts you don't like about yourself deep down into whichever character you create. Have fun with it: get some wigs, change your eye colour, move to another city and live as the character for a couple of years to really let them sink into your consciousness. Be your best, other, self and you will live happily ever after.

Well, there you go. Those were the top 10 ways to change your life for the better. Start with one and see how many you can do, and watch your life dramatically change!

If you want some more tips then come check out my comedy special: This Show Will Change Your Life, a satirical look at wellness culture, playing at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe at 3.55pm until 27th at Underbelly Bristo Square. You can also find me everywhere online: @anestidanelis