Ian TC's epic boat story

In the past I have been described as impulsive. In comedians this is a fairly normal trait.

I took the "road less travelled" idea when coming to the Fringe this year a little too far - by getting rid of the road altogether and designing to come by boat! It seemed like a good idea at the time, as when I planned my Fringe show way back in 2021 I was planning a the time to move onto a canal boat.

Things did not go to plan.

To start with I bought a narrowboat called the Tattooed Rose as I had planned to turn half into a tattoo studio and live aboard in the rest. She was the right size, the hull was sound and with that name it seemed like a sign from the gods.

I then arranged to get her moved to Scotland by lorry from where she was in Reading. And after thousands of pounds changed hands she arrived at the yard where she was booked for a fortnight's spruce-up. This is where the shit hit the fan.

On arrival at the yard I was told that there was no space for the boat to sit out of the water to start work on her. Also the cost of the special coating that she was to get had more than tripled, and they had no idea when the work would be able to start. So my only option was to put her back in the water and wait!

And wait I did. Then more waiting. Then, after 3 months of waiting, she was finally lifted out of the water. Then (literal) storms hit and no work could get done. But at this time I had to move out of my flat and my studio lease was up so I had no where else to live or work ... So I had to move onto the boat in the yard! A boat with a window needing replacing (two had already been removed), in the middle of storms, up on blocks. I had to buy a tent bed to live in because being on the boat during that weather was only slightly better than been outside under nothing at all! It was at this point that I really started to question what I had done.

Then, with all the workers at the yard tied up with other boats, I had to start all the work myself. After ripping out some rotting flooring, I discovered another rotting floor... when I removed that floor, I discovered another rotting floor! Four in total, all rotting, all had to be removed. It seemed the vessel's pervious owners just decided to cover up problems instead of dealing with them. We then found that some of the walls where rotting too. They had to go.

Stripped so far back, I then stumbled across a hidden waste tank that - you guessed it - also had to go. But if that wasn't bad enough, it wasn't empty! The less said about the rest of that process the better: some things stay with you, no matter how hard you try to forget!

So out of my tattoo studio, out of my flat, with no money coming in, paying for mooring (my boat was supposed to be in Glasgow 4 months ago), and then paying for the boat to sit in the yard. It's safe to say finances were getting tight.

It was 38 weeks after I was booked in to a yard for 2 weeks - after I had ending up blacking the boat myself, doing as much of the internal work as I could, getting windows replaced that I hadn't budgeted for, not to mention floors and septic tanks - that I was finally able to get into Scotland's canal system. But at the wrong end of the Central Belt. I still had to move the boat all the way from the Kelpies to Glasgow!

My living cabin has not been built, none of the storage has been finished, the solar power isn't working. Still haven't got a 12 volt fridge, so none of that fancy cold food for me when I'm not at a mooring point with an electricity cable. Can't even run my computers when I'm not hooked up!

Never the less, that first journey was mostly fun - until in the middle of nowhere the engine cut out and left me adrift. I thought she must have run out of fuel! In the middle of another storm, rain lashing down on me, I was trying to use barge poles to get the Tattooed Rose close enough to the bank to get a line hooked on to anything, all the time trying to get fuel from the jerrycan into the tank, and then trying to find the fuel pump on a red hot engine. After half an hour I managed to fill the tank, still adrift, but the engine just wouldn't start. thank Gandalf the canal didn't have any other boat going past because I couldn't move out of their way - I had no control over where she was going at all!

I finally got her started after calling a mechanic who told me to give the starter motor a light hit with a hammer... With one hefty whack, the engine kicked in. And I finally made it to Glasgow. Where I discovered that my engine cut cable had melted, along with my bilge pump hose. But I had made it. In Glasgow. Now to start planning moving the boat to Edinburgh for the Fringe!

With less than three weeks to go until the start of the festival, with no address to get anything sent to (they haven't got around to putting post boxes at the moorings), I scrambled to organise getting stuff sent anywhere I could. Trying to deal with clients that I had been trying to work with for 6 months, finish writing my show, getting flyers and banners made, updating the website and generally trying to sort out my life after moving home, closing down my studio and trying to fix the boat - it was hectic to say the least.

Eventually I was ready to move. It was a great little journey for about 4 hours; got to Kirkintilloch with no problems, all good. Tied up for the night. Next leg, Kirkintilloch to the Falkirk Wheel, also all good. The boat movers helped me get through the locks and lift bridges, and upon reaching the Wheel basin I had a grand old time by myself with some gin, playing Clair de Lune with all the light on the Wheel and no one else around.

Then the next day I was over the Wheel, through tunnels and locks, before - again without any warning - the engine cut out. Now this time I knew it wasn't the fuel. The engine was red hot as before and I noticed that all the closing systems looked like they had all been disconnected. Adrift in the middle of nowhere once more, at least this time I had the right length poles to get to the canal-side and tie up. With some further head-scratching I deduce that it's not the engine running out of fuel, it's simply over-heating.

Next day, heart in mouth, I try turning over the engine ... and she starts first go! A great relief. But I can't do anything about the over-heating problem now and can't stay here either, so had to work out how far I could go before getting into trouble again. After some consultation I decided I can only run the engine for 2 hours at a time - this quickly adds up, meaning the journey that should have taken 3 days ends up taking 5.

Finally, the Tattooed Rose and I limp into Edinburgh. I head into town to organise repairs and everything appears to be going well, but on the way back to the boat other boaters tell me that the fire brigade have been because there was a fire! It turned out that a 'fireproof' mat on her stern ... had caught fire! I have no idea how it happened but I saw what was left of the mat, and found the engine bay full of water from the fire brigade's hoses in extinguishing the blaze.

Over the next three days I slowly moved closer and closer into the centre of the city and am now waiting for a mechanic to come and sort out all of the engine issues... hopefully.

And so I finally arrived at my venue. Eight days after starting a three day journey. After being in a boat yard for 38 weeks of a 2-weeks stay. Engine fecked! Mat burned and gone. Living in tents on a boat... please come to see the show.