Fringe Q&A: Weird dreams
So much going on at the Edinburgh Festival means there's not much time for sleeping. But what do performers dream about when they do get to bed. We asked some of the people involved in comedy shows at the Fringe, 'What's the weirdest dream you've ever had?'. Click on their headlines to find out more about their shows.
Slowly undressing a sexy woman to reveal three young boys in a trench coat.
I had this one dream where I had a really great answer to this question.
That I was being chased by dwarves with no hands through a purple field. Then I came to a canyon where a woman with big breasts but no nipples asked me for milk, laughed at me and then started playing jive music while BB King fed himself grapes and cried. Probably to do with exams.
I have a recurring dream in which I am caring for a friend's baby, but the baby has a tiny little head that is really delicate and has to be held really carefully. But I don't hold it right and it falls off. I try to hold it in place and pretend the baby is fine. I wake up before I am put on trial for negligence.
Ashley Ward: It's a stress dream where I have to answer some questions for the British Comedy Guide but I'm naked in a Starbucks and oh my god this isn't a dream the cops are here! I have to go!
A few years back I had an epic hallucinogenic saga of a dream in which I rode to a wedding on a giant red turtle and then ice-skated in a theatre with Flight of the Conchords and some people dressed as priests. It was the best. I assume the night before I'd eaten a kilo of Stilton.
I once had a dream that I was in a celebrity football tournament with Bill Clinton. He made an overhead clearance off the line that was outstanding.
I mean, I'm not sure how interested people are in other people's dreams. Like there's no stakes in them. Unless, of course you mean my dream of one day owning so many dogs I'll never need to buy a blanket, just use puppies. SO many soft, wriggly puppies. all on top of me.
I had a horrible dream I was a can of deodorant. Still a bit shaken up.
I once dreamt a trailer for The One Show; it was like someone had plugged a SCART lead into the back of my head, firing images of Matt Baker into my subconscious.
I once dreamt I was in the movie SPEED 2: Cruise Control. After riding a cougar (animal not older woman), I had brawl with some baddies and pushed one off the ship. On his way down to his demise, he somehow managed to stab my toe. I instantly woke up screaming with an awful pain in my big toe. And that's why broke up with my girlfriend
Jamie Barwood: I was ice skating on a frozen lake and just after it started to rain giant liquorice all sorts a huge octopus broke through the ice and ate my dad. This was a recurring one when I was younger. Joking aside I have an actual fear of octopus.
Liberty Buckland: I often dream of all the people I love dying in strange and gruesome ways while I have to watch... I don't know what that says about me...
Letitia Hector: I can't remember what exactly happened but there were vampires, unicorns and robbers (in that order).
I have a reoccurring nightmare that Madonna and I are having lunch and she HATES me. Which is obviously totally ridiculous because in real life, we'd be BFFs. Two international superstars, two natural blondes, just bonding over a vodka and tonic. I can see it now.
I once had a dream that Michelle Williams was my flatmate, and I was so disappointed to wake up and remember I was living with a passive aggressive Australian guy with perpetually bad breath. Oh, and FYI, it was Dawson's Creek Michelle Williams, although I'd be as happy to live with Destiny's Child MW to get me closer to Queen Bey.
Something to do with spaghetti, Gary Barlow and a Vauxhall Corsa.
Well I can only really remember the one I had last night where I was a Turkish gangster with the head of an owl who strangled this guy in a cafe and then decided to recommission my (Kieran's) Radio 4 series. A premonition?
That all my fingers fall off at the beach and get lost in the sand but when I find them I can't pick them up because I haven't got any fingers.
I dreamt I was on an escalator going up and it just wouldn't stop going up. Similarly, I also had a dream I was in a lift going down and it was crashing down and down and wouldn't stop. I think we can all agree what this means is I should probably just take the stairs.
We once had a dream that sketch comedy would be seen as an equal to stand-up and even have it's own award. Lololololol *crying with laughter emoji* sketch isn't proper entertainment! ROFL etc.
I have had several re-occurring dreams that I can talk to crocodiles. These dreams usually end with me riding a Salty, surrounded by an army of other crocs as we move gracefully through the water. Oddly, I have no fear in these dreams that I will be eaten alive if I stray from the pack.
When I was a kid I used to have reoccurring dreams where I was on a four-poster bed on wheels that was being chased down the street by another four-poster bed on wheels. On the four-poster bed that was chasing me, there was Madonna and EITHER Robbie Williams or Action Man (I could never quite make out which one it was, as we were hurtling down the street so fast). It was honestly terrifying.
I'm a terrible weird sleeper (see my 2014 show). First that jumps to mind is when I was staying in a hostel and I had a night terror where I hallucinated ants were all over me, so I jumped off my bunk and started to spray deodorant all over myself - to try and get rid of ants, obvs - I then announced to eleven people "sorry there were just too many ants" calmly climbed back into my bed and went to sleep. Five people moved rooms the next day...
I used to have a reoccurring dream where I was trapped in a sleeping bag. I was always dressed as a Girl Guide yelling, "I promise that I will do my best, to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the Queen and my community, to help other people and to keep the Girl Guide Law".
People often have anxiety dreams about being on stage, with no idea what they're supposed to do, what their lines are, why they are wearing a chicken suit. However this is a pretty normal day for me, so I'd probably say the one where my legs are made of battenburg and I'm supposed to run the marathon.
My dream of one day being a successful comedian.
I once dreamt that someone had asked me what my weirdest dream was, and when I told them it was that I once dreamt that someone had asked me what my weirdest dream and I'd told them it was that someone had asked me what my weirdest dream was, and I then found myself entering into this infinite loop!
Once I dreamt I went to a wild sex party, just to use the wifi.
I had a dream that a man turned himself into a packet of crisps and got his family to eat him. I think what's most troubling about that is that I've called it a dream and not a nightmare.
At the moment I can only dream about my Edinburgh show. Most recently I dreamt that all of my ex-girlfriends were watching. It was bleak.
We once dreamt that JR didn't really die in Dallas.
I dreamt the entire plot of The Matrix trilogy, one night in 1992. Should have written it down.
The details are inconsequential but it involved a vanilla slice, Marilyn Manson's animal tears costume circa The Beautiful People 1996, and the actor that played Frank in The Vicar Of Dibley.
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