Stuart Laws: What To Do If You Get Dumped

Written by: Stuart Laws
Published: Wednesday 25th July 2018

For Edinburgh 2018, stand-up comedian Stuart Laws has written a comic play. The Journey focuses on a couple who have just broken up... but are stuck on a spaceship together. We asked him for some advice on what one should do in real life after being dumped...

If you get dumped then there is only one logical conclusion for you to make: you're worthless and no one will ever love you again. Dumped at the side of the road like a broken fridge, never to be cool again, not worthy of food and certainly not good enough to sit in the kitchen and listen to your fears about growing old.

To break up, split up, finish with, drop - our romantic culture is insistent that the end of a relationship is destructive. Whenever a famous couple attempts to suggest it was amicable or has the temerity to coin a term like "conscious uncoupling" it's met with sneers of derision.

So, we're all agreed: the end of a relationship is a sign that you're a pathetic failure. You'll need a five-point plan to help get you back to socially acceptable terms.

1. Time for a makeover

It's not up for debate, the reason you're now single is almost definitely due to the fact that you became physically hideous during your relationship.

If you think this sounds far-fetched just try and think of one couple that is attractive, impossible right? Only single people are fit.

Things you need to sort out include: your stupid hair, your ailing body, your colour-blindness, your unwieldy dick and your insane choice of jeans. Then, when you emerge into public life again, people will know with absolute certainty that you've had a complete meltdown.

2. Really get into some harrowing music

Don't get over things immediately, push yourself off a cliff by listening to Dancing On My Own, One of Us, 10AM or Gare Du Nord on repeat.

You're not supposed to be happy, you're not supposed to be able to work - you're supposed to be on the verge of breakdown at every second of your existence.

Apparently it takes half as long as your relationship to get over them, so don't make that time fly by. Stretch it out and drink in every sip of misery, you coward.

3. Tweet about it!

This works on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Club Penguin too.

It's important that you publicly signpost that you've been through a break up and are now single but still maintain a witty and open attitude about it.

An important thing to remember here is that in the old days a lot of friends and even acquaintances would only know information if they engaged in conversation with you. Now they can stay silent and watch it unfurl on social media like a very slow-paced soap opera with bad dialogue and illogical character choices.

Let the world know 90% of the story but hold back a little so that strangers can privately debate who wronged whom and who's taking it harder.

4. Have sex with everyone and anything

There is no way you will regret any of your choices immediately after a break up - it's an emotional free pass to make bad decisions that you won't ever think about again in the future.

"Yeah, I know it's their flatmate but I'm free now and I can do whatever I like."

"Yeah, I know it's an entire rugby team but it's only Rugby Sevens so surely I can manage seven extremely strong women."

"Yeah, sure I fucked Bianca at work but she knows the deal and I know in my heart that it doesn't mean anything so it'll all be fine."

"Oh shit it's six years later and I've just realised I don't love Bianca but we're now married and sweet lord she definitely hates me but I can't do anything about it now!"

5. Write a play

Remember that human emotion is there to be monetised, it's the last bastion of capitalism and the only possible future when robots manage all of our industry and services. What better emotional trough to snuffle your horrible snout through and convert into lyrics or jokes or prose or heaven forbid, mime.

If you're a creative, nothing is off the table; the world is your stage and you convert whatever you want into product. Also, they knew this when they got with you so they subconsciously signed a contract to say that it's okay for you to mine your collective trauma for trite observations and tired plot devices. "Have you heard? Their latest show is actually based on a real break up they went through!" "No way! That makes it even more creatively valuable!" "Exactly, I hate it when someone just takes emotions and experiences and uses that to influence their work without directly referencing it."

So, I'm writing this having completed a stage play, or script (for the layperson). The Journey is a romantic comedy about a break up that takes place on a spaceship. Now, I've been involved in some break ups but none of them feature in this play. It's for everyone to enjoy, not for me to vent.

I'm a stand-up comedian normally so this is a first for me and I hope that I've brought a few things from comedy to the theatrical world. It's really funny, it plays with narrative and structure and has direct address which gives it a different dynamic to more traditional plays.

The cast is fucking incredible. I was staggered Will Brown, Phoebe Sparrow and Dick Ellis agreed to be in it and their skills (and Phoebe Ladenburg's directing) have taken a script I was fairly happy with to a ridiculous level - I love watching them act.