Fringe Q&A: If you had a gun...
We asked some of the comedians at the Fringe, 'If you had a gun with one bullet in it, what would you do?'... Like their answers? Click on the titles to see the dates for their hopefully ammo-free shows.
I would put it in a box marked "For when the Dolphins come" and bury it somewhere easy to find in 10 years' time.
I would do what anyone would do. Try to twiddle it round on my finger, before laying it flat on my palm and proclaiming "Ooh, it's heavier than you would imagine." Then shoot a man.
Use it to chase up my delayed payments from older gigs.
Wait, you're asking me, a Left-leaning American comedian what I would do with a bullet? in 2018?? This is a set up, isn't it? You're trying to get me arrested!
Liam (Head of Recruitment): I'd put it in a violin case and prank the string section of our local orchestra (who have enough internal conflict to deal with as it is), by switching one of their violin cases with the one with a gun in. It'll go down a hoot! They'll be like "What's a gun doing where my violin should be?!" and they'll realise it's a joke and they will all have a good laugh and forget their musical differences and if someone does get shot accidentally it'll be somewhere comical like the groin or buttocks.
We don't use guns at CrimeSceneImpro. Our murder methods are much more surreal! Previous weapons include: porridge, a teddy bear, and a trebuchet. What will this year's audiences come up with?
Take it through airport security and kick off when they confiscate it. "Why?! Its only got ONE bullet!"
I'd hold up my venue's box office for all the tickets for the whole run of my show so I could have "sold out show" on my poster next year.
Shoot the next person who tells me "I don't normally find women funny".
Wait to see if we found a bunch more bullets, and we'd wait a while if we had to, we're in no rush. Then we'd look for a horse and a cowboy hat, jump on said horse and fire the gun and bullets into the air as the horse bucked around a bit, like in a Western movie. Then when the bullets had run out and the horse was tired, we'd dismount and go home to watch Netflix, probably.
Hold up the bullet store.
Fire it into the air on the Royal Mile, then shepherd the frightened masses into our show "for safety".
For Christmas two years ago my sister gave me a shirt, but the shop she bought it from forgot to remove the security tag. I've spent the last two years trying to remove the tag so I can wear the shirt without looking like a thief. I'm pretty sure the only thing that could get it off would be if I shot it with a gun.
Throw it in the Thames as we do all our guns.
I would pretend it was the starting pistol for a gigantic race down the royal mile. When it is completely abandoned of potential punters I will begin flyering for my show. Heaven.
We would travel back in time and shoot the inventor of the first gun before he thought of it, thereby preventing guns ever being invented. Of course, the risk is that he survives the shooting and then we've just given him a great idea for a new invention.
I'd take that gun and that bullet, study them and I'd make more guns and more bullets and when I had enough guns and bullets I'd watch the god damn world burn... Seriously though I'd hand it in... TO THE GUN MAKER WHO WOULD MAKE ALL MY GUNS AND BULLETS!! Not really, I'd obviously actually hand it in, HAND IT INTO THE WORLD AS IT BURNS... Got to stop this now... The nice in me will regret handing this question in. Please, just please come to my show, that's all I want to say in this answer.
I have no faith in my own abilities to handle a gun without shooting myself so I'd probably just be very scared of it. Maybe I'd do what I usually do when I'm scared of something: put it under a glass and wait for someone to remove it safely.
I'd line up Nick Hall and Nick Doody and shoot them. Purely so that the morbid and curious would visit their listings in the guide and find mine between them. Nothing personal, gents, just business.
End each show by playing Russian roulette so, just once, my show would have the ending it deserves.
Write an Edinburgh show about it.
I'd shoot my phone in the face. No regrets. Farewell phone, you brought me nothing but stress, heartache and the ability to find out what the Saved By The Bell cast look like now.
As a female comedy act, you attract trolls like it's a rite of passage. They're astoundingly predictable. Now, it's not like violence is the answer but if this question implies a get-out-of-jail-free-card, then a warning shot to the kneecap could do quite nicely. Cheers.
Amy might finally be able to convince Chris to overtake on the motorway.
Fake question: Guns contain rounds which only become bullets when fired. So if anything, we'd ask which idiot re-inserted a discharged round.
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