Fringe Q&A: If a genie offered you a wish...
We asked some of the comedians at the Edinburgh Festival, 'If a genie offered you one wish, what would you ask for?'. Click on their names to find out more about their shows
Proof that he was a genie; you can never be too careful.
I would ask for the power to montage through life, as it would be the only way I would feasibly get in good shape. Also would make show-writing go a lot faster!
The best sandwich ever, which was a sandwich my mum's best friend made for me when we stayed with her in the Bahamas. I can remember it like it was yesterday, but have never been able to recreate the taste.
For this interview to end.
The ability to make people laugh continuously until they get an actual hernia. I would only use it on hecklers or cruel people like children. I would only use my powers for good.
Theme music. Imagine how much more exciting life would seem if whatever you did there was a swelling orchestra in the background. It would also be helpful foreshadowing if there was any danger approaching.
I would wish for ultimate clarity so that I would never get stuck arguing in an internet comments thread again. It would also save money on window cleaners.
I would wish for a hundred pounds. That way I could buy something really nice, like some new jeans, and maybe a cool shirt if I had enough money left over. Actually, jeans shopping is pretty hard because I've got quite short legs, so maybe I'd cut out the middle man and just wish for a pair of jeans that fit nicely.
To go back to 2010. At which point I would buy a metaphorical suitcase full of bitcoin.
One of our answers to be printed in British Comedy Guide (not this one)
Brian Blessed to flyer for us.
I would ask for my money back. Genies are supposed to offer three wishes. I will not have my consumer rights violated.
I would ask for a twelve inch pianist. Because my dick would look massive next to his.
Ryan Gosling in a nappy. That's literally the first thing that came into my head.
A HSBC online banking secure key keypad that is impossible to lose.
A car than never runs out of petrol and ever lasting guitar strings. Re-fuelling and re-stringing and my least favourite jobs. I feel I may have wasted my wishes!
Decent hair dye that doesn't make me look like a divorced retiree on the prowl.
The ability to emit the scent of baked bread like they do at the supermarket. So when I'm in a group and I'm the only one who wants to eat, I can quietly emit my bread smell then everyone else would be hungry.
I'd ask for a time machine to go back and 'write' James Acaster's joke about the loophole of asking a genie for unlimited genies.
A £1 coin for every flyer I was handed in Edinburgh.
More time - no hang on, I mean more audience members! Damnit. Too late. Should've said more wishes.
I'd ask to know the Genie's history and how they got round to learning how to do wishes. What uni do you go to for that? My money's on Plymouth.
Probably clean up all that bloody plastic in the oceans. Not really, we'd merge to become a two headed, winged serpent who would do everyone a favour and fly away with Tony Blair. We'd keep him alive but the great news is, he'd wish he wasn't.
The Gin Chronicles In New York
Robert Blackwood: That the NHS would be properly funded for evermore. I know this is British Comedy Guide, but laughter isn't always the best medicine.
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