Lana Schwarcz: 10 Edinburgh Fringe questions

Lana Schwarcz answers 10 questions about her 2016 Edinburgh Fringe show.

Give us a quick overview of your comedy career so far. Are you happy with where you're at?

I started late! Mid 30s. I was pushed into it, though there were no witnesses, so the guy that pushed me keeps claiming I fell.

Yup, I'm pretty happy! Obviously I wish I'd started earlier: maybe then doing a show with my breasts out would attract more audience, but I think any time you start is good, as long as you start.

Tell us two truths and one lie about yourself (but mix them up, keep us guessing!).

1. I have four dogs.

2. I identify as single, depending on who is asking.

3. I own about 120 Silver Perch fish in a tank in my back yard that I am waiting to grow so when I feel like fish for dinner, I can go outside with a net and grab one. But I've never killed anything before, so I have no idea how I'm going to kill it.

Describe your new show in exactly 23 words.

Is 23 a magic number? Alright, here goes:
Do you hate Breast Cancer? Good. Let's hate it together with gags, animated projections, and some characters you might meet along the way.

Any cunning plans to get more punters in?

"Cunning" sounds like someone who isn't me - I'm just gonna use my friendly freckly face and winning smile. Oh, plus I am part of The Sick of the Fringe and have connected with Breast Cancer groups so I'll be trying to get some people from the health industry in. But I'm pretty blatant about that, so not sure how "cunning" that is.

What's your plan for trying to eat - and drink - healthily during the Fringe?

Well, for the first time on this tour I am planted somewhere for a whole month. Which means I have a wee kitchenette and I am happy to splash out on some herbs. Last I was here, I remember eating TERRIBLY, but this time, I have already discovered incredible places to eat, plus have stocked the kitchen with fruit and vegetables. I am mostly concerned about not getting scurvy.

In terms of how it will go? Let's face it, I'll mostly be drinking beer and out at the festival away from my kitchen, so there is still a good chance that I won't eat my groceries. So there is still a chance for scurvy.

What will you miss most while you're away from home?

Are dogs considered family? I do miss my home and my bed, but not the dog hair on my bed.

Aside from performing, what else are you looking forward to doing in Scotland's fine capital?

The castle! And the museum! And also visiting Greyfriars - One of my Dad's favourite movies is Greyfriars' Bobby and he made me watch it with him. So I've been taking loads of photos of the outside and sending them back home so that maybe he might decide to surprise me and join me on the last week. To be honest, Edinburgh is hands down the most stunning city I've ever seen (and I've lived in Switzerland) and I just love walking for miles and being constantly taken aback by the beauty of it. I'd honestly live here if I could, but you know.... I have 120 Silver Perch to eat back home, so that's not going to happen. Seriously though, please, can I live here? Ugh. SO gorgeous.

Plus, I am surrounded by so many redheaded kin. This makes me giggle with utter delight. You really are a VERY attractive folk. Did I mention I identify as single depending on who's asking?

If you took over programming a Fringe venue, what would your perfect line-up of comedians be?

Janey Godley, Celia Pacquola, Alexis Dubus, Trygve Wakenshaw, Luisa Omielan, Randy (the puppet), Sarah Millican.

Name the one person you'd rather not bump into during the festival.

Anyone from the Liberal/National Party of Australia. It might land me in jail.

Why should audiences pick your show over the 1,800+ other Fringe offerings listed on BCG this year?

They shouldn't. They should try to see all 3269 shows. Starting with the women. Cos you know, Women and Children first....

'Lovely Lady Lump' is at Gilded Balloon at 4pm until the 29th August. Listing