Ed Aczel on Foreign Policy

Written by: Edward Aczel
Published: Friday 12th August 2016

Ed Aczel's show title this year is 'Foreign Policy', so we thought we'd ask him to explain what Foreign Policy actually is. This is what he wrote for us. We've read it a couple of times now and, if we're honest, we're not quite sure we grasp it... turns out foreign policy doesn't fit any easy analogies. We are entertained, but not sure if we are any the wiser...

One of the questions I'm often asked is: "Why I should care about Foreign policy - because I don't?"

So today I am here to give Foreign Policy a bit of real life meaning - I'm not suggesting it matters in the same way as lots of other things, like for example watching TV or even going to the shops... but without all those snobby diplomats having endless drinks parties and chatting amiably about fish quotas with foreigners where would your average fish and chip shop be?

I understand it's all a bit far removed from day to day life - so I'm going to try and distil it down to our everyday lives to prove foreign policy is everywhere we look - wherever we look.

We actually do a lot of foreign policy ourselves. Let me take you to Ripon Street (Aylesbury, Bucks) where I Iive. You can relate this to where you live too...

I've lived there for about 10 years. I have actively avoided any meaningful interaction with my neighbours (and, apart from two or three people, have never known any of their names - active foreign policy). Some people want to be part of a community but that is not our way in the South East; ultimately we all hate each other. I do however routinely share gentle nods with some of my neighbours and also occasionally discuss weather related issues with them as and when the need arises.

I do know the neighbours either side of me better and we often discuss bins, home improvement matters, and weeds - as well as the occasional rudimentary birth, death and marriage discussion dependant on circumstance.

In the main we don't complain about noises. One of my neighbours occasionally plays dance music and has parties, but we don't like rocking the boat: Policy 2. This is a "don't shit where you sleep" approach - which I'm sure is in the Foreign policy textbook somewhere (probably with a fancy title).

But Ripon Street can't resolve all our Foreign policy analogy needs. It doesn't really have the potential to encompass a Versailles treaty situation. Lest we forget this treaty ended the first World War. It broke up the Austro-Hungarian and Ottoman Empires whilst also bankrupting Germany, directly causing the second World War. Arguably the Versailles treaty was the biggest cock up in foreign affairs history.

I just can't see how I can't engineer with my neighbours. So I'm going to widen the net a bit and try something a bit bigger in the scheme of things. The Edinburgh Fringe is a world within a world. Maybe there's a meaty Versailles Treaty type situation that everyone would go 'oh yeah'.... It could still happen.

So before the Versailles Treaty - you need a decent First World War. How do you start the first world war and then reset the new world into your basic Edinburgh Fringe setting...

I mean it would be difficult to equate the horror of the Battle of the Somme to Late N Live on any given Saturday night...

It's also unlikely the majority of stand-ups are going to be easily bracketed into categories which compare to early 20th century absolute monarchs, politicians or moody revolutionaries - even if there are plenty of stand-ups who would like to give "Lenin" a good go - and there are still plenty of them predicting a people's revolution.

However, there are no natural Kaiser Wilhelms out there keen to invade Belgium. No one's going to want to be Lloyd Georges. Although I'd personally be happy to throw my hat in the ring as the Red Baron (yeah that works).

So without a total collapse in civil order and the onset of street warfare, the Edinburgh Fringe is not going to work either. I suppose, at a stretch, someone could lace the beer with Angel Dust (commonly known to all aficionados as PCP - a niche drug of the 80s originally designed a stimulant for cattle). It would be hard to find a simple World War I scenario which fits neatly...

...Which makes it really difficult to get to the vital Versaille treaty moment. So we're no further forward right now, on why it really matters to go to the ambassador's reception.

Ok Ripon Street doesn't work and the Fringe doesn't work - we're going to go to back to first principles to get to the nub of the issue.

They say everything in life happens in The Godfather. Those familiar with The Godfather will recall the war started when Solozzo shot Don Vito Corleone - because of the Don's reticence to front the drug trade in New York.

Anyway the mob went to the mattresses for a while and got rid of the bad blood. Sonny Coreleone was rubbed at the New Jersey turnpike and Michael needed to go to Sicily for a while (having popped Sollozzo and the Irish Police captain who broke his jaw) until the heat died down etc...

Once Don Vito got a little better (and on hearing of Sonny's death) - he called a meeting of the five families to agree an end to the war (I'm thinking very similar to the Versailles treaty situation). The meeting ended the War - but only for the time being - The Don clocked it was "Barzini" behind it all... and there was a lot of unfinished business (leading to the Second World War perhaps guys?).

OK, I accept The Godfather is not real, and it sort of fits, but not perfectly. But it kind of gives you a little insight into why Foreign Policy matters. Crucially because it bought time for the Coreleone's to regroup and gave the Barzini's a false sense of security.... And that's what diplomats do (or don't do more like).

'Ed Aczel's Foreign Policy' is at Heroes @ The Hive at 4:20pm until the 28th August: Listing