Written by: Sophie Pelham
Published: Thursday 27th August 2015

The greenbelt sure can be gruesome and there are giveaway signs that simply scream "...fresh air frightens me but I want the good life". Here's how to pass as a local and not a weekend townie in the country:

[When I say 'the country' I don't mean the Home Counties by the way. I am talking proper rural - where you see more cows than people, the idea of a social event is the village dog show and mobiles don't work unless you stand on one leg by a certain tree in the village everyone knows that.]

1. Yes, tweed in the country is everywhere - like pigeons in London - but don't go for anything fashionable. A second hand jacket is more than enough. Also note that, unlike denim, there is no rules on double tweed.

2. There is no need to wave to anyone when wearing a cap... just touch the front and nod your head to greet people.

3. When the village do-gooder comes round collecting for something... hide.

4. Wellies must be green, not brightly coloured - this isn't Glastonbury. Make sure they are dirty (throw them in the pond and distress with mud and tea if necessary).

5. The village gossip is referred to as 'Radio' followed by the name of the village.

6. Dogs are always good to help blend in. Best have a labrador, spaniel or a complete mongrel Handbag dogs are not advised... I suggest you keep it in your handbag.

7. Country Phrases:
He could stop a pig in a passage just by looking at it. [He is a bloody big bloke don't mess with him.]
Bridle Path [it is a path for horses, not Brides]
Where are you too? [Meaning where are you from?]

8. Don't ask for hummus in the village shop. If you are a vegetarian make an excuse when asked over for a Sunday roast. Vegetarians are mistrusted as much as a Labour government.

9. The pub is the center of village life (now that the church is only open once a month). The rule is simple: you never buy one drink, you always buy a round. However, if you don't want to look like a flashy townie best advice is to get half in and then say there is a half waiting for when you finish. Careful where you sit - seats in a country local are like dead man's shoes in that they only become available when the current occupant dies. So stand at the bar, or risk the wrath of a thirsty farmer with a chair molded to his own buttocks.

10. The Weather is a favourite British conversation, but in the country it takes on a whole new level of seriousness. Make sure you know the seven-day forecast by heart.

An additional note on poo: Neville in my village says if you don't like poo don't move to the country. When the muck spreading is in full swing, a few drops of tea tree under your noise will mask the smell... and keep the windows shut, that smell gets everywhere.

'Sophie Pelham: Country Files' is at 4:45pm at the Pleasance Courtyard until the 30th August. Listing