Lou Sanders' Guide to Getting In (when they don't want you to)
Published: Thursday 27th August 2015
This year, my show is about trying to get into Eton College for Boys. We all like exclusive things and yet none of us like to be excluded. Being legitimately invited to things is also so boring - it's much more fun to blag or force your way into places.
I wasn't allowed in to the 6th form of my school, so I pulled out all the stops and talked them round. Eventually they delivered the news: "we never thought we'd say this, but you've really turned your attitude around, we're delighted to offer you a place". To which I replied: "Nah you're ok, I've decided to go to Canterbury College - they seem less uptight." The message here is that it's not the going that's important, it's the getting in. And yes I would have got more A Levels if I'd stayed at school.
When I was little, my brother used to break into disused warehouses and ice cream vans - bringing home massive wall stickers and big, pointless bunches of keys. I thought it was amazing. I wanted to be like him and encouraged my friend Clare to accompany me over a fence and straight through the back door of an old people's home. Cool.
We got found out instantly and when they asked me for my address, I told them immediately, with tears in my eyes. A letter from the retirement home followed, which my parents sternly read aloud, warning me that next time "I would be prosecuted." For some reason, aged 9, I thought 'prosecuted' meant 'beheaded', so I was pretty shaken up.
Luckily I've got way better as this sort of thing and have since raided 16 old people's homes. Just joshing about. There's nothing for me in old people's homes - and the risk of beheading is too high. But how do you get in to places you actually want to go to and yet are not welcome? Here's a quick guide.
HOW TO GET IN TO ELITE RESTAURANTS WITH NO RESEVATIONS
Go to the internet and download an Elton John mask. Simply wear this on your face, teamed with a gold sparkly jacket and hot pants. Hey presto - you're in! Don't forget to pay cash in case they rumble your name's not Elton!
HOW TO GET IN TO SPORTING EVENTS WITHOUT A TICKET
OK, you want to go to the tennis but you don't have a ticket? Dress up as a giant tennis racket, handing out novelty sweets. No one is going to challenge you in that get up - you're quite clearly working on the grounds and hey, YOU LOOK GREAT!
This also works for football and the other three sports.
If this does fail, get a gun and go wild.
HOW TO GET IN TO FRIENDSHIP GROUPS
What music do they like? Duran Duran, reggae vibes or something more street? Well, find out - get the CD and acquire the t-shirt. Who's the third member of this cool new gang - it's you - you and your Natty Dread t-shirt.
GENERAL RULES FOR GETTING IN PLACES
1. Look the part. Don't go in without your bottoms on. You don't want your bits dangling about - it's too much too soon. No matter who you are.
2. Have a pseudonym and make it exotic - something like Star Dave.
3. Remember that sometimes exclusions are a good thing. I didn't get invited to Melanie Taylor's birthday and they all got food poisoning (...and no it wasn't me who poisoned them).
'Lou Sanders: Excuse Me, You're Sitting on My Penis Again' is at 5:30pm at City Cafe until the 30th August. Listing
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