Tom Price: 6 ways to make people realise you're not nice
Published: Friday 15th August 2014
As part of my show this year I discuss how my face has fooled many people into believing that I am a nice human. 'Vicar face' is a common syndrome. It makes it impossible to discipline small children (they laugh), you cannot avoid conversation at bus-stops ("it is quite cold, yes") and you're never going to play a bad guy ("Mr Bond, I expect you to live a long and happy life").
So. If you suffer from this condition, then here is my six point guide to toughening up your visual branding and overcoming the restrictions of your nice face.
1. Grow a beard: Facial hair adds an element of danger, risk and poor personal hygiene. See: Tramps, Rolf Harris and Santa. This is especially effective if you're a non-male.
2. Avoid eye contact: This will help people to think that you're hiding something. Smile at someone with eye contact: a nice greeting. Smile at someone whilst looking at their ears: murderer. This one works, guys.
3. Bark: Just let off a woof every now and again. It really subdues those around you. Unless they're dogs. And we all know they're better company than humans anyway. Win win.
4. Disagree with pleasantries: "Nice day today isn't it"... "Not really. It's actually about average for this time of year. I'd call it more normal than nice". Those chats will soon dry up.
5. Get names wrong: A classic technique. Works particularly well with those annoying chat-professionals; parents.
6. Wear incredibly old football shirts: Nothing says "psychopath" more than someone wearing a Liverpool strip sponsored by Candy. People will run a mile.
If you can successfully enact all of the above points, then welcome to your new world. A world where you live with dogs, where you have no needless conversations with neighbourly chat-mongers and where you can finally just be the miserable git your face truly wants to be. Enjoy.
'Tom Price: Not As Nice As He Looks' is at the Pleasance Courtyard at 9:30pm until the 24th August. Listing
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