Written by: Simon Feilder
Published: Thursday 7th August 2014

Glamping or grubbing it up with the mucky hoi polloi? It's not really a question you hear in the context of Edinburgh Fringe is it? Perhaps the big festival least associated with sleeping outdoors? Well, that is just as well, because Simon Fielder is terrible at camping. TERRIBLE. Here are his top five places to camp, for better or worse, in Edinburgh - a city where you probably wouldn't even consider it!

The Meadows

This place is like a microcosm of every campsite in the world: teenagers clandestinely filling themselves with alcohol, cigarettes and each other, shirtless dreadlocked antipodeans pissing about with poi and attaching tightropes to trees, ambitious students undercooking sausages on petrol station BBQs, amorous couples dry humping under blankets and rolling in dogshit. Spend a couple of hours here and you'll get the idea. Then get a blue carrier bag of beers and go play piss-up Pitch & Putt.

My flat

I'll be sub-letting a corner of my room that you can put your tent up in, if you like. Then for an additional fee I will recreate all the 'wonderful' things about camping to help you be "at one with nature": I'll deny you access to my bathroom, insisting you walk to one down the road in your pants while it rains, or do it in a plastic bottle that's not quite big enough. At night I'll be like an attention deficit DJ on the thermostat, to ensure you can never find a comfortable temperature in your fleece-lined body bag. When you do eventually doze off, I'll coat your face with a layer of 'dew' and wake you up at 6am with a 45-minute recording of a petulant six year old, asking constant questions about a horse.

The Royal Mile

It's already full of idiots lying down, so you should have no trouble blending in. Recreate the atmosphere of nauseating campfire singing by bedding down outside a tourist shop playing non-stop techno remixes of bagpipe music. In the very unlikely event of rain you can seek shelter under one of the pop-up stages with a student drama group no-one is listening to. Failing that, use the wealth of discarded flyers to fashion a papier-mache ark and sail down the hill to the relative safety of parliament (this might depend on them still being on our team when you get there).

Lady Boys Of Bangkok Marquee

It's one of the biggest tents you'll find in the city and there's certainly a 'camp' pun that I'm diligently sidestepping here. You won't be wanting for space and you can definitely stand up, thus avoiding that doubled-over trouser hop dance you get in most tents. They've got electricity too, which will be used to keep you awake into the wee hours with show tunes and diva-pop, but can also fuel your hairdryer and charge your phone - which you'll need for all the pseudo-ironic selfies. Forget baby wipes - you'll also have access to a veritable wealth of beauty products and shaving supplies for every nook and tranny. Sorry.

Arthur's Seat

If you're the type of ruddy-featured twerp who owns waterproof trousers and only shops at The North Face then pitching up here would be some sort of CelticValhalla. Hugely exposed and basically halfway up the sky, you're guaranteed to be constantly bombarded by the elements and seagulls' gut-dinner until you're forced to admit that it would have made much more sense to book an Airbnb.

Simon Feilder: All The Things I'm Not is playing every day (not 11th) at 8:30pm at Pleasance Courtyard. Listing