Written by: Lizzie Bates
Published: Thursday 7th August 2014

Every August, thousands of buoyant and bright-eyed performers flock to the streets of Edinburgh, full of hope and optimism. But the Fringe is a dangerous and unpredictable phenomenon, full of perils that must be avoided at all costs. Beware the Festival pitfalls that can derail even the most experienced of performers.

Do not:

1. Flyer on the Royal Mile

It may seem like a good spot: it's busy; it's full of tourists; it's central. But while holiday makers happily throw money at a man who has donned fairy wings, sprayed himself silver and mounted some stilts, they will march past your outstretched hand, tutting, as if you're presenting them with Nazi memorabilia. Then a svelte sixteen year-old dancer, dressed in a red corset and lacy knickers, will adopt a yoga pose on top of the bollard in front of you. If you're a woman, any body confidence will be sucked from you in a matter of moments. And if you're a man you'll forget how to hand out any more flyers.

2. Leave the house without an umbrella

When you look out of the window in the morning it might look 'settled'. The Met Office forecast might well say there's only a 10% chance of precipitation. However, leave the house without an umbrella and Edinburgh's horizontal, driving rain will penetrate even the thickest of jackets and bags and leave you gasping for air.

Your pants will need wringing out and your wad of flyers will act like a sponge, soaking up moisture until you are bent double under the weight. Without an umbrella you will be forced to shelter in a doorway with 65 members of a musical theatre troupe, who will take the opportunity to go over their 'harmonies.'

3. Try and maintain a functional love-life

If you have a Fringe fling your pillow talk will consist of comparing reviews, competitive chat about how many units of alcohol you've consumed and what 'industry' have been in your show. But if you have a partner back at home: also beware. The Fringe is like an aggressive and persistent suitor - no matter how solid your relationship seems before you arrive, you'll soon find yourself thinking and talking only of the Fringe.

The Fringe will begin to demand more and more of your attention. You might snatch conversations with your partner on your way from a show to the bar ("yes, it is important, it's networking") but any conversation that doesn't revolve around your show will begin to seem mundane and tiresome. By the end of the month, you will have forgotten what your partner looks like. And what their name is.

4. Think you're immune to Fringe flu

Even if you take vitamin pills every day, and resist succumbing to the average nutrient-free Fringe diet of chips and sauce and haggis, it will happen. You will wake up one morning, sneezing, with glands in your neck the size of tennis balls and uncontrollable shivers.

If you feel better at the end of your show, do not be deceived: adrenaline is not your friend. Convinced you're "on the mend" you head to the bar and drink until the early hours, but in the morning your voice is that little bit weaker and your throat that little bit more painful. By the end of the run you find yourself asking the venue staff if you can borrow the microphone just so you can order another drink.

5. Read reviews

Anything lower than a three star review and you will immediately feel propelled to vomit with shame and disappointment. Anything above a three star and you will immediately become bloated with a sense of validation and your own self-worth. And a three star review will leave you more crushed than any of the others: What was the point in coming? My show is average.

Lizzie Bates: Reprobates is on at the Pleasance Courtyard at 3pm each day (not 9th). Listing