Written by: Katie Mulgrew
Published: Friday 4th July 2014

I was perusing my way through the Edinburgh Fringe guide... when I say 'perusing', I mean 'judging'. That's what comedians do. We study the Fringe guide in the way that I imagine American teenagers read their high school year books. Examining which of their peers look the best and have the best titles next to their beaming photographs. I admit I do this. I admit I'm also a bit of a nerd, so I pore over the Fringe guide the way I pore over the Radio Times at Christmas. Excitedly circling what I want to watch with a highlighter pen. To me it's sexy admin.

Whilst doing my annual peruse, this year, one particular show sparked my imagination. It's a show called Take A Comedian Out, based on the popular Saturday night TV show, Take Me Out. If you have never seen the programme in question, it's basically a large semicircle of brightly dressed bubbly women... a Blackpool illumination of women if you will. A man steps in front of this circle and eventually, by process of electrical elimination, he either gets to date one of the women, or he goes home without a date and probably gets mocked on social networking for the rest of his days.

If you think of it in Biblical times, it's a Christian being fed to the lions. If the lions were dressed in River Island and Emperor Nero was Peter Kay's best friend.

For the Take A Comedian Out show, it will be the comedians that get to choose and it will be four lucky women that can win a date with a comedian. Yep, you win a date with a comedian. That's what you win. I literally could not think of anything worse than going out with a comedian.

I subconsciously said this statement out loud whilst I was reading the blurb. Actually I did a loud EUGH sound followed by "I literally couldn't think of anything worse than going out with a comedian!"

Now my husband happened to be sitting on the sofa opposite me when I said this and without looking up from his laptop he simply replied, "I can. Marrying one." Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred pounds go directly to Boomtown, wife!

Yeah I forgot, I am a comedian. My husband was quite rightly, pointing out that my ego is writing cheques my body can't cash. Just like Goose would do to maverick in Top Gun. But that is pretty much what being a stand-up is all about. We have to have an ego or else we wouldn't dare get on stage in the first place.

I like to think my ego only ever writes very small amounts. Like when I was student and I was so skint I tried to pay for a packet of Space Raiders at the local Nisa with a cheque. That small.

But honestly, yeah, I mean I'm a bit of prick sometimes truth be told. I don't mean it! I don't think any of us really mean it but if you are thinking about dating a comedian, you should probably be aware of the following guidelines...

1) Do not date a comedian if you are uptight.
There is no comedian off switch. No snooze button. We are always thinking about material, always thinking about the funny. Which means in lovely romantic situations my mind may wander off or I may purposefully say or do inappropriate things to get a laugh. My poor husband ends up the subject of lots of my jokes. Our anniversary dinner, wedding, honeymoon and his proposal are all in my Edinburgh show this year. He features in about seventy per cent of the show. Luckily he is incredibly easy going and just lets me get on with it.

2) Do not date a comedian if you don't like stand-up.
You can say "hey, but I don't like hospitals but I'm still dating a nurse!" Yes, but you don't have to go and sit in the hospital if you want to spend time with your partner. Comedians gig most nights of the week, particularly weekends, so if you want to spend actual time with them then you may just have to spend your weekend in a comedy club. Which has less MRSA but more dicks.

3) Do not date a comedian if you hate going to social occasions alone.
As I mentioned, comedians work most weekends to earn their pennies. Weddings and birthday parties happen at the weekend. If you find it thoroughly depressing to go to these gathering sans-companion, I wouldn't even bother with a first date in Nando's.

4) Do not date a comedian if you are jealous.
Male comedians in particular will often get admirers after gigs. Debbie in accounts or Sarah the bridesmaid will inevitably drunkenly flirt or proposition the comedian they have just seen on stage. Meanwhile you'll be at a friend's wedding reception slowing chewing your fascinator to pieces and headbutting a bottle of sambuca at the mere thought of another woman just doing the Macarena near your boyfriend.

However, if you do decide to date a comedian it will never be boring. You will never stop giggling. There is always a new place to visit and new people to meet and you might get to do things and see things you wouldn't ordinarily have the opportunity to.

There's a bit more room for a bit more adventure I suppose. Just as long as you don't mind being Goose to their Maverick... because, if you don't mind that, then actually, it's not a bad show.

'Katie Mulgrew: Happily Ever After' is at The Gilded Balloon from the 30th July to 24th August (not 12th) at 8pm. Listing