Hayley Ellis: How to deal with other people on social networks
Published: Friday 11th July 2014
These days you can't peruse Facebook or Twitter without crossing memes, blogs or pieces of advice on how to live your life. I have a 'friend'* on Facebook who posts inspirational pieces of advice at least 5 times a day. "The 7 ways to find true love", "The 5 things you should know about life before you die", "The 3 life lessons I've learnt from TOWIE." I, for one, am sick of other people telling me how to live my life, so therefore I am going to give people 5 tips on how to deal with other users on social networks...
1) Avoid people who tag themselves into places on Facebook
E.g. "Helen is at B&Q's". I mean, that's not even something you can have bragging rights on. At least some people try and make their life sound more glamorous. "Barbara is just in a kitchen getting drunk with Helen Mirren." My all-time favourite was when a 'friend'* tagged themselves as "having a cheeky meal at a posh restaurant in town", but Facebook had noted their location as the exact same place they live.
No one cares if you have shuffled down to buy a new combine saw on a Sunday. Or you are checking in at the 'beach'. People on social media only want to know if you have either checked into rehab or prison so they have something to gossip about.
2) Do not, under any circumstances, respond to any of the below statuses:
Helen is sad
Helen is having a bad day
Helen just can't believe it
Unfortunately, this is a terrible form of FASS (Facebook Attention Seeking Syndrome). A side-effect of this syndrome is question avoidance, so the only response you can get from a FASS sufferer is: "can't say on here babes, inbox me."
The best thing you can do is block these people until a cure is found.
3) Be wary of:
People who have less than ten friends.
People who have more than two thousand friends.
People with no friends.
People.
4) Be wary of the Grim Reapers of social media.
These are the people who like to announce celebrity deaths online. I found out a certain person had passed away on Instagram when someone posted a filtered picture of a coffin. Even David Cameron was caught taking a selfie at Mandela's memorial. I bet he regretted doing that. The reception in church must have been shocking; would have taken hours to upload to Twitter.
5) Do not avoid people who post excessive pictures of their pets, especially their dog.
In fact, people who post pictures of Dogs are almost as cool as people who write entire Edinburgh shows about them.
In fact it's probably best to get off the Internet, go out and live your life. Why not take a trip to Edinburgh and buy some tickets to this?: Hayley Ellis: We Need To Talk About Kevin
* Friend = someone on Facebook you have accepted or added but have barely spoken to in person.
Helen = In no way the same as my FB friend Helen. No way. Uh huh. Shakes head. PLEASE DON'T TELL HER.
'Hayley Ellis: We Need To Talk About Kevin' is at Udderbelly, Bristo Square from the 31st July to 24th August. More details
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