Written by: Carly Smallman
Published: Tuesday 15th July 2014

My name is Carly. I am a stand-up comic, and I am a size 16-18. I like to eat. I, like most people, have a complicated relationship with the way I look. I was never one of the 'pretty' ones at school. I've always been chubby, wore nerdy specs and have a little moustache that I get waxed when I am feeling rich, or feeling ugly and like "I can totally rock being a shit feminist (fuck it - nobody will ever know)".

I don't turn heads in the street, but sometimes I look pretty bloody lovely. Like most people, however, the way I look bears little relevance to the job I do. I am paid to make people laugh. It's fucking awesome.

I always felt lucky to be in an industry where I thought that as a woman - hell, as a PERSON - it doesn't matter what you look like as long as you can entertain people. As far as I know, it is not within the job description of a comedian to have a perfect face and to be thin. Countless talented comics who we see regularly on our television screens and in the nation's comedy clubs tell us that. Just look at national treasures like Stephen Fry, Sarah Millican, Bill Bailey, Dawn French and countless others - all hilarious, all inspirational, and all have, in my opinion, 'normal' faces and bodies.

I like to think of comedy as a meritocracy. Regardless of your gender, race, age, sexuality, physical or mental health, it's your talent and hard work that leads to success, and the support of the general public. Yep... that's how I LIKE to think of this industry. Recently I was proved wrong.

This year I made a television show called Viral Tap for ITV2. It was met with a mixed reception and, regardless of your opinion of its quality, I think I did a decent job considering I was writing for an audience who are not normally the audience I play to. I had to tailor my jokes to meet a specific brief given to me by producers and commissioners. At times it was a tough thing to do whilst maintaining my integrity and remaining true to myself, but I did the best I could and, on a professional level, I was happy with my performance.

Why then, have I spent the last 4 months trying to rebuild my confidence so that I can go out of the house without trying on multiple outfits and fretting about it tirelessly? Why have I spent countless nights crying and occasionally panicking about having sex with a boyfriend who loves me, because I irrationally fear he is going to be disgusted by me?

It all started on the night the first show aired. Within seconds my phone was buzzing like crazy - I was being inundated with Twitter notifications. The worry I had felt about my performance on the show was pointless, it turned out. Nobody was commenting on that. All of the tweets I was receiving (all directly mentioning me using the @ sign) were about the way I look. Here are just a few of them:

@carlysmallman you would be pretty if it werent for your deformed mouth and tongue. I cannot bear to look at you

@itv get Miss Piggy aka @carlysmallman off the air

@carlysmallman ur so fat ur arms are bigger than vin diesels

@carlysmallman you are a fat whale I wish I could come into the studio and shoot you and the rest of those cunts

Shocked? So was I. Especially when I searched for the names of the male comics on the show and, while there were still some very nasty and offensive messages directed at them, as far as I could see any abuse they received was related directly to their performance and jokes. All of the abuse sent my way was about the way I look.

Now, I'm not saying that a lot of the British public are sexist (although some really are), but what I will say is that Twitter has given a lot of angry people a platform to directly contact anybody at all with some very hateful and hurtful comments.

I reported some of the more offensive and threatening tweets to Twitter. They did nothing. The offenders were not violating Twitter's terms and conditions.

I am sad to say that female comics have to prove more than the fact that they are funny. They have to prove that they are funny whilst additionally being judged by some on the way that they look.

Sadly, some members of the general public - those we work so hard to entertain, week-in, week-out - cannot accept seeing a normal looking woman on their screens or on stage (as a stag group this weekend proved when I was shouted at for being "fat and ugly" before I'd even opened my mouth).

Not all comedy is going to be enjoyed by all people. I'm sure many out there think I'm completely unfunny. If you have an opinion on the jokes I make or what I have to say, that is totally your right as an audience member. But making comments personal? About the only face and only body a comedian has? That should always be unacceptable.

It has taken me a while to regain my confidence, but I now feel more empowered and defiant than ever toward those who judged me. I try to remember that a lot of these people are probably depressed or lonely, and that I have done a great thing by taking a gamble on making a career out of what I love most. That's why I have written my new show Made In Penge - to speak out about online abuse and draw attention to the fact we still have a long way to go to reach true gender equality ... and it has jokes. Loads of jokes.

Do I have to be slim to be funny? Fuck no.

You can see Carly in 'Made In Penge' at the Edinburgh Festival from the 1st to 24th August (not 11th, 18th). The show is at 5:30pm at The Counting House and it's free entry. Listing