ANTIQUES ROADSHOW #1
An EXPERT and a MAN stand before an expensive-looking classic watercolour landscape painting in an ornate gold-coloured frame. In the background, extras loiter.
EXPERT
...from probably the fifth or sixth decade of the seventeenth century. It really is a beautiful example of the period. The brush-strokes are quite unique.
MAN
Hmm... Very interesting. And, may I ask, how much do you think it is worth?
EXPERT
Well, at auction, I would expect it to fetch at least a thousand words.
MAN
A thousand words?
EXPERT
Yes. I'd say this is definitely worth a thousand words.
MAN (happy)
Right. Thanks.
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ANTIQUES ROADSHOW #2
As before, but this time the painting under discussion is a piece of Andy Warhol-style modern art: abstract shapes in bright primary colours.
EXPERT
...and you'll be pleased to hear that these pictures really are in demand at the moment, particularly in the United States.
WOMAN
I see. So, how much do you think it could be worth?
EXPERT
For insurance purposes?
WOMAN
For insurance purposes.
EXPERT
Well, for insurance purposes, I'd say it's worth... maybe a thousand words.
WOMAN
That much?
EXPERT
Yes. Yes. I'd say it's almost certainly worth exactly a thousand words.
WOMAN
Phew! Thank you very much.
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ANTIQUES ROADSHOW #3
As before, but this time we're looking at a child's random crayon scribble on a dog-eared piece of A4. Looks like it's just been torn off somebody's fridge.
EXPERT (puffing cheeks)
A thousand words?
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ANTIQUES ROADSHOW #4. As before, but this time the antique is off-camera, on a table between the EXPERT and the MAN, both seated.
EXPERT
It really is a wonderful sculpture. Very much a niche collector's item, but if you can find the right auction, with a little bit of luck you could find yourself doing very well indeed.
MAN
I see. Great. So how much do you think it could be worth?
EXPERT
How much is it worth? Well...
PULL BACK AND REVEAL:
We see that the object being discussed is a small sculpture of a clenched HAND, grasping a BIRD.
