1. INT. OFFICE.DAY
A MAN IN A SMART SUIT IS SAT AT A HUGE DESK. THE DESK IS IMMACULATE AND FOR THE MOST PART EMPTY. BEHIND THE DESK IS A CHART SHOWING ‘PROFITS'. THESE SHOW A SLIGHT UPWARDS TREND.
VO: First day at work?
THE MAN NODS HIS HEAD.
VO: New Chief Executive?
THE MAN BEAMS PROUDLY, AND NODS.
VO: Earning lots of money?
THE MAN GRINS BROADLY, AND NODS VIGOROUSLY.
VO: Expected to make a difference?
THE MAN LOOKS SERIOUS, AND NODS.
VO: Know the first thing about the business?
THE MAN SWIVELS HIS EYES TO ONE SIDE AND THEN THE OTHER, THEN SHAKES HIS HEAD.
VO: You need Panacea Business Solutions. To justify that obscene salary, call on the UK's number one provider of soon-to-be-discredited gimcrack management nostrums. Stop all that worrying and sign up today for Panacea Business Solutions 'Money For Old Rope' Business Improvement Plan.
THE MAN COCKS HIS HEAD, EVIDENTLY INTERESTED.
VO: Our skilled facilitators, some of whom have had up to two weeks of training, will talk to your employees so you don't have to. We drag your workforce away from the work they should be doing so they can tell us about the unique problems facing your business; then we tell you how those problems could be fixed if you were a tuna canning plant in Nagasaki. It is as easy as that.
THE MAN LOOKS DISAPPOINTED.
VO: You're not a Japanese fish cannery? (LAUGHS) No need to worry. At Panacea Business Solutions we believe that businesses are pretty much all the same. So whether you are an arms manufacturer or an NHS Trust, our off-the-peg, one-size-fits-all solution is the one for you. And if everyone else is doing it, it must be right. Right?
THE MAN NODS DECISIVELY.
VO: Then just sign on the dotted line.
THE MAN GOES TO READ A CONTRACT THAT HAS APPEARED ON THE DESK BEORE HIM.
VO: No need to read it. You can trust us - we're management consultants.
THE MAN NODS SAGELY, AND SIGNS WITH A FLOURISH.
VO: Phew! What a lot of decisions you have had to make.
THE MAN WIPES HIS BROW.
VO: You had best hurry off now, for that well-deserved round of golf, and leave us to fix your business.
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2. INT. OFFICE. DAY.
THE MAN IS SAT AT THE DESK. HE LOOKS DISHEVELLED. THE DESK IS LITTERED WITH PAPERS AND THE PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK. THE LIGHTS ARE FLICKERING. THE CHART ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM SHOWS A DRAMATIC FALLING OFF.
VO: Profits falling?
THE MAN NODS
VO: Dividends slashed?
THE MAN NODS AGAIN.
VO: Share price plummeting?
THE MAN SOBS, AND NODS.
VO: Staff morale non-existent?
WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, THE MAN NODS.
VO: Blown your budget on inflated consultancy bills?
THE MAN BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE.
VO: Why so glum?
THE MAN LOOKS UP, PUZZLED.
VO: At Panacea Business Solutions we can help you to f**k up so badly that you will be paid to leave.
AN OPEN BRIEFCASE APPEARS ON THE DESK BEFORE THE MAN. EMANATING FROM THE BRIEFCASE IS A GOLDEN LIGHT THAT BATHES HIS FACE. HE GRINS.
CUT TO:
3. EXT. TROPICAL PARADISE. DAY.
THE MAN IS SAT AT A TABLE IN A BEACH BAR. HE IS WEARING AN HAWAIN SHIRT AND HAS A BIKINI-CLAD FLOOZIE ON EACH ARM. A LARGE FRUIT-ADORNED COCKTAIL IS ON THE TABLE BEFORE HIM AND HE IS LIGHTING A HUGE CIGAR WITH A BANK NOTE.
VO: Panacea Business Solutions - helping British industry to screw itself since 1982.
CAPTION: PUBLIC SECTOR EDITION COMES COMPLETE WITH *FREE* KNIGHTHOOD.
END.