Excalibur

Excalibur

Exterior: Mediaeval England.

A field outside a great city. A crowd is gathered and after a moment it parts to reveal a large bulky man dressed in period fashion. He strides over to a rock in the middle of the field; embedded in the rock is the blade and handle of a mighty sword. A hushed silence falls as the man steps forward to grip the handle; he inhales and pulls with all his might onto the sword. His face reddens. He pulls as hard as he can, tension builds to a crescendo and then suddenly a fart rings out amongst the crowd. The crowd begins to cough and splutter; the large man clutches his backside and stumbles from view.
The crowd descends into chit chatter when a cough is heard. The crowd parts once more to reveal a young boy of no more than 12 or 13 standing next to the stone. The boy coughs slightly and hitches up his sagging tights.

OOV Voice from the crowd:
Get down from there boy, you're making a fool of yourself and no mistake.

The Boy: (Nervously)
Prey Sir, just a moment of your time… I believe that I can pull this sword from this stone, and that I am in fact the rightful man to inherit the crown of this fair nation.

OOV Voice from the crowd:
Man, man? You are nought bit a boy.

The Boy: (With more confidence)
But I shall grow Sir, whilst you shall always be an idiot…

Laughter breaks out amongst the crowd. During this distraction the boy climbs onto the rock and grasps the handle of the sword. A peal of thunder roars in the sky. The boy looks up and with a deep breath wrenches on the sword and after a moment he loses his balance and topples backwards, taking the unsheathed sword with him.
Gasps of shock are heard amongst crowd. The boy looks up and stands upon the rock. Now with boosted confidence he shouts to those gathered.

Boy:
I have done it! I have pulled the legendary sword from the stone, before your very eyes! The boy that stands before you is in fact your King…

The boy grins and looks out into the crowd, he is shocked to hear sniggers coming in all directions. After a moment he looks up to his sword, it is tiny. The blade is in fact shorter than the handle- not what they expected at all.

OOV Voice:
With that sword, what are you going to do lead an army of potato peelers?

2nd OOV Voice:
We could call ‘im King Edward!

Boy:
But!

OOV Voice:
Don't get upset lad- just head on home- there's a good boy.

Boy: (Frustrated)
I am your King!

OOV Voice:
Not very well endowed are you?

Boy:
Legend said I would be King…

OOV Voice 2:
Since when was Legend law boy?

Boy: (Upset)
But? But?

OOV Voice 1:
What your name boy? Sorry I mean yer Majesty?

Boy:
C-Colin.

OOV Voice 2:
Colin? King Colin? That doesn't have much of a ring to it ! King Colin…

OOV Voice 1:
You'll have to change your name boy! You've only got ‘alf- a sword. We could call you King ‘alf-a.

OOV Voice 2:
King Arthur! That's got a ring to it… all hail King Arthur…

The Boy stands forward and grins.

OOV Voice 1:
… and his incredibly tiny weapon…

King Arthur: (Pleadingly)
It's not that small is it?

OOV Voice (Woman):
I've seen bigger…

OOV Voice 1:
We've all seen bigger…

Laughter erupts.

King Arthur:
It's just the light…in different light it would seem much bigger…

OOV Voice 2:
In the dark maybe!

OOV Voice (Woman)
Leave the boy alone, it ain't what you got it's what you do with it…

OOV Voice 2:
What you gonna do with it boy?

King Arthur:
Lead my army to victory!

OOV Voice 1:
What army's that? The Swiss army? That would go well on one of their knives.

At this point music is heard and commotion from the back of the crowd. ‘Oh, What a Night' plays. A big handsome Knight steps forward, signs a few autographs and has women pass out around his feet.

OOV Voice 1:
Now this fella, this fella looks like he could be King…

King Arthur: (Upset)
That's not fair! What's your name Sir Knight?

The Knight steps over to his horse, and reaches behind the saddle.

Knight:
My name is…

He pulls from behind the saddle the biggest Lance you have ever seen, he struggles to move it through the crowd, people duck and laughter is heard.

Knight: (Grinning from ear to ear)
Sir Lancelot…

King Arthur: (Downcast)
Bugger…!

Arthur puts the sword back into the stone and wanders off.

I put off reading this, partly because I have a notion for an Arthurian inspired radio com in my 'to do' pile, but mainly because it looked rather long and wordy. Having read it, it is amusing, but for me not laugh out loud funny. I think the central idea is not strong enough to sustain the length, and most of the jokes that keep the sketch going come from hecklers being knowingly funny , which is never going to deliver the big laughs.

You can certainly write, but I think you have not quite wrapped your head around what makes sketches work. But then again I should probably know better than to be prescriptive about comedy; if you think you know what you are doing, then stick with it.

I thought it was funny and well written. The end joke might have been stronger. would fit in well as part of a medievil parody screenplay as opposed to a stand alone sketch.

I loved this
You need to use your imagination and visualise the charachters, but I think this would be great visually. Also this could be a serialisation following the exploits of the would/should be King Arthur.

I thought it was well-written and funny, though maybe would have liked a better twist/payoff at the end. Good stuff though

This needs some severe trimming. It takes far too long to get to the payoff which is a weak pun. Plus there are few laughs along the way.

If you can shorten it and get a stronger ending then you could have something.