GOD - The books, movies & events

INT. HEAVEN - DAY

THE ANGEL GABRIEL WALKS UP TO GOD.

GABRIEL
Morning, your ineffableness.

GOD
MORNING.

GABRIEL
Listen, guvnor, you know we were talking the other day about how Islam is getting quite popular.

GOD
YES.

GABRIEL
Well, I've got few ideas on turning it around for us. I've been on the blower to the pope and he's got his boys working on a new book. We've got a title - JESUS: THE EARLY YEARS, it's about Jesus in his teenage years, going through a few adventures similar to Muhammad in the Qu'ran. The pope's going to pretend they found the manuscripts in a cave in Israel. As usual.

GOD
SOUNDS GOOD.

GABRIEL
Yes, definitely a bit of a goer with the teenage crowd. Also, we were thinking, of giving the bible a bit of a reboot. Call it THE BIBLE 1.5, add a few deleted chapters to it, maybe an intro from the Pope. What do you think?

GOD
EXCELLENT. WHERE ARE THE DELETED CHAPTERS COMING FROM?

GABRIEL
The Pope's got the writer of the Hitler diaries on it now.

GOD
ANY MOVIE POSSIBLITIES?

GABRIEL
Definitely, your nebulousness. I've already sounded out director McG, and actor Nic Cage, and they are up for it.

GOD
LOVELY, I WOULDN'T MIND DOING AN AUDIO COMMENTARY ON THE DVD.

GABRIEL
Oh, that's a great idea. It would be the special edition to beat all special editions - The Creator's cut. Lovely. Of course, all this should get us a bit more shelf space in the shops, a bit of a higher profile.

GOD
ABSOLUTELY.

GABRIEL
This is all a nice bit of build up to the main event, JESUS 2: THE SECOND COMING. We're pencilling this one in for Dec 2012. Tagline: He's back, and he's angry. How does that sound with you, your superbness?

GOD
VERY GOOD. MAKE IT THE 21ST, I'VE GOT A CLEAR DIARY THAT DAY.

GABRIEL
Super. The 21st it is, your lordship. Kerry Katona has agreed to have her dress fall off at the press launch, you can't buy publicity like that.

GOD
HOW ARE WE FUNDING ALL THIS?

GABRIEL
Well, with the profits from the movies, we should be well away. Free poster of Jesus with every DVD or bible sold. Let's see Islam compete with us on that one.

GOD
I LIKE IT.

I liked 'your nebulousness' and 'the creator's cut' but you can't satirise God or religion, so don't waste your time, Dog. There are more the a hundred 'lost' gospels that aren't in the authorised version of the Bible because they are too hilarious. One features an infant Jesus performing miracles in his father's carpentry shop.

Some nice lines, but it is rather long and one-paced, and does not really go anywhere. I think it might have been more interesting if God had had to be talked round.

That's an idea. God is a bit down, and Gabriel is trying to get him to agree to the date of the second coming, saying that his PR machine is all geared up for it.

Any particular reason for the Mayan calendar reference?