ROWAN WILLIAMS IS TALKING TO AN ADVISER.
ROWAN
You'd think in the credit crunch more people would be flowing back to church.
ADVISER
You asked us at Bartleby Humbert to do research into falling church attendance numbers. And the modern church is out of touch, people want some thing more traditional
ROWAN
Latin mass, incense that sort of thing?
ADVISER
More this sort of thing.
HANDS ROWAN A JOCK STRAP AND A BIG KNIFE.
ROWAN
What on earth?
ADVISER
It turns out 70% of UK citizens believe that human sacrifice can reverse the credit crunch. Christ is out, Mayan Sun worship is in.
ROWAN
I'm the head of the Church of England, not some pseudo relgious psychopath!
ADVISER
Well since the Catholics started burning heretics again, they've seen a 45% increase in attendance. Chief Rabbi Sacks has got a prime spot on Songs of Praise after stoning Vanessa Feltz to death.
ROWAN
Sigh what would Jesus do?
ADVISER
Listen to the polls.
ROWAN
Ok if it's good for the church. Who's first?
ADVISER
Mervin King, his low interest rates hav angered Quetzakoatal.