British Comedy Guide

Murder Surgeon

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INT. OPERATING THEATRE – DAY

THE SCENE IS SHOT FROM THE P.O.V. OF A PATIENT, MISTER HARDEN - ON HIS BACK FACING THE CEILING. A FEMALE ANAESTHETIST PLACES A VENTILATOR OVER THE PATIENT’S MOUTH. DOCTOR ROGERS LOOMS INTO VIEW

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Okay, Mister Harden, if you’d like to count down from ten, please.

MISTER HARDEN:
Ten, nine, eight, seve….

MISTER HARDEN SLIPS OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS AND THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
(O.O.V.) Administer the Pancuronium now, Doctor. Very good. Send the new surgeon in on your way out, please.

FOOSTEPS. A MUTTERING FROM OUTSIDE. A DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND THE PICTURE COMES BACK INTO FOCUS. DOCTOR SPENCER HAS JOINED THE OPERATION.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Good afternoon, Doctor Spencer.

DOCTOR SPENCER:
Hello there. Is the patient under?

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Yes.

MISTER HARDEN MAKES A PARALYSED, INTERNAL SCREAM.

DOCTOR ROGERS (CONT):
Let’s proceed. Please begin by opening the suture.

DOCTOR SPENCER:
Of course.

DOCTOR SPENCER ADVANCES ON THE PATIENT WITH AN AXE. MR HARDEN REACTS WITH INNER PANIC.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
What on Earth are you doing?

DOCTOR SPENCER:
You did say ‘murder’, didn’t you?

DOCTOR ROGERS:
No! ‘Suture’! Not ‘murder’! Why would I say murder?

DOCTOR SPENCER:
I did wonder.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Good God, man! Please pay attention - your job is depending on this.

DOCTOR SPENCER:
‘Trepanning’?

HE FIRES UP A MASONRY DRILL AND AIMS IT AT THE PATIENT’S TEMPLE. MISTER HARDEN SQUEALS SOME MORE.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
‘Depending’! Not ‘trepanning’! What’s wrong with you?

DOCTOR SPENCER:
My mistake.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Is something the matter with your hearing?

DOCTOR SPENCER:
‘Sawing’ you say?

HE PULLS A RIPCORD AND A CHAINSAW RUMBLES TO LIFE.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
‘Hearing’! Not ‘sawing’, you loony!

DOCTOR SPENCER:
Oh, ‘hearing’! Sorry, you’re right, I do have a bit of an ear infection.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Then read my lips! No murdering in my hospital! Do you understand?

DOCTOR SPENCER:
Perfectly.

DOCTOR ROGERS:
Great!

DOCTOR ROGERS BEGINS SORTING HIS INSTRUMENTS. WHILE HIS BACK IS TURNED DOCTOR SPENCER LEANS IN TO THE PATIENT WITH A WICKED GRIN AND WHISPERS:

DOCTOR SPENCER:
Grate…

HE SHOWS MISTER HARDEN A CHEESE GRATER AND LOWERS IT TO HIS CROTCH. THE INNER SCREAM REACHES FEVER PITCH.

It's okay. I didn't find it that hilarious though. I think you need to explore the murder surgeon's motivation a bit more.

Quote: Winterlight @ October 28 2008, 5:18 PM BST

It's okay. I didn't find it that hilarious though. I think you need to explore the murder surgeon's motivation a bit more.

Yeah... but... shut up!

For me, the last thing I'd want to do is explore the Surgeon's motivations. He is what he is - a surgeon obsessed with murder. Just look what happened when they turned Vader into a well-rounded character!

Quote: David Bussell @ October 28 2008, 5:38 PM BST

Yeah... but... shut up!

For me, the last thing I'd want to do is explore the Surgeon's motivations. He is what he is - a surgeon obsessed with murder. Just look what happened when they turned Vader into a well-rounded character!

I just think it's a bit easy to have someone doing something with no explanation.

If you can make sure there's no questions being asked then you have a winning script.

It's an interesting idea...the joke kinda runs out of steam after the first or second play on words.

I do like the oblivious nature of it and it can work very well, though if you're going that way I'd make the other doctor oblivious too, like Big Train :)

I'll have a think...

I feel something's not quite right in this one. Not sure if it's the fact that he's dressed as the murder surgeon and the real surgeon is surprised when he tries to murder the patient or maybe the "murder surgeon" is just too much of a stretch. Not sure what it is but it just misses the mark for me, I'm afraid.

Bo.

A lovely set up, but used for silly puns.

Like a silver platter to serve a spam sandwich.

You've written....

Quote: sootyj @ October 28 2008, 9:09 PM BST

You've written....

better.

I quite liked it but I agree with mixmasterfestus - the mishearing words is basically the same joke repeated 3 times. I'm not sure about him having 'murder surgeon' written on him, unless it's a pun or a reference I'm missing then I think it would be funnier without that.

You could build in winterlight's suggestion by havig a punch about why he's doing it just before he gets a go with the cheesegrater.

A silver spam platter of food for thought. Thanks, guys.

I can see it as a series.

I pitched a series idea to the BBC once about a forensic surgeon but they passed on it for some reason.

http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/enjoy/userMediaDetails.jsp?userMediaId=1250

Quote: Marc P @ October 29 2008, 11:11 AM BST

I can see it as a series.

I pitched a series idea to the BBC once about a forensic surgeon but they passed on it for some reason.

http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/enjoy/userMediaDetails.jsp?userMediaId=1250

Very nice. Did something similar myself a while back:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/6324

Cheers David. I did a whole load of them. This was my favourite one I think: http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/enjoy/userMediaDetails.jsp?userMediaId=1312

Quote: Marc P @ October 29 2008, 11:30 AM BST

Cheers David. I did a whole load of them. This was my favourite one I think: http://www.channel4.com/4laughs/enjoy/userMediaDetails.jsp?userMediaId=1312

Also good. Dotted into a sketch show they'd work rather well I think.

I've retooled the sketch. Let me know if you think it's an improvement or whether I should give up comedy and go back to digging trenches in the rain.

Well it's sunny today! :)

Made me chuckle. I quite like him being called Doctor Murder, it's a surreal sketch after all, could easily see Bob and Vic doing this.

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