Not a *recent* reject I hasten to add - I have a whole new raft of sub-par nonsense to fill their slush pile - but a series one sketch that I've just found that was actually recorded at Drill Hall. However, it received a muted response (euphemism alert!) and was never aired. The main issue, apart from it being not actually very good, is that it's far too long - and so is served up here as a salutary warning to abide by the three page max rule, lest you send the audience (and forum audience) to sleep.....
JUDGE JULIE
F/X APPLAUSE
VOICEOVER[BOOMING]
The people are real! The judge is real! The trial is real! Filmed in front of a live studio audience and with an all-star celebrity jury, including Dan from Big Brother Five……all rise for….. Judge Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulieeeeeeeee!
F/X APPLAUSE
JUDGE JULIE[BAD N.Y ACCENT, AGGRESSIVE] Siddddawwwwnnnn! I wanna hear the first case, bring ‘em on…
VOICEOVER[BOOMING]
Please welcome the first case of the evening. Mike is thirty-one and is from Sheffield. He's accused of hacking his mother-in-law Donna to death with a samurai sword, and keeping her remains in his chest freezer-
JUDGE JULIE[PLUMMY] Oh gosh, hang on a second, stop..
PRODUCERCut!
JUDGE JULIEWhat's this? Hacking people to death with a sword? But that's a real crime.
PRODUCERCourse it is, m'lud. All the cases are real.
JUDGE JULIEBut what happened to the husband who overspent on his wife's River Island store card? Where's he?
PRODUCEROh, him? He cancelled at short notice. He was arrested. Would you believe it?
JUDGE JULIEWhat? HE was arrested? And this sadistic nutjob wasn't?
PRODUCERThe British justice system may have failed Mike's victims and the public at large, but my God, ITV Seven won't.
F/XCROWD WHOOPS, APPLAUDS
(cont) Look, just go with it. He's probably not even guilty anyway. Just wants his fifteen minutes of fame.
MIKENo, I did do it. I am guilty. And I'll kill again if I'm not convicted. I hear voices. All the time…… voices.
PRODUCERVery convincing. Bit too convincing. Actually, can someone go and check the green room? I think I left the cake knife out. Right, let's crack on. Mike if you stand here, frown at the camera a bit and wave your sword about….
JUDGE JULIEWe can't have a murderer on the show. He should be at the Old Bailey, not ITV Seven. You heard him. He says he'll kill again. He's staring at me. Make him stop.
MIKE[RASPING] You're pretty, Judge Julie. Do you want to see my caravan?
JUDGE JULIE:I knew I shouldn't have left Cardiff's Craziest Cop Chases. I'm calling the police.
PRODUCER:Why call the police? You are the law.
JUDGE JULIE:No I'm not. I'm not even a real Judge. I'm an actor. My only previous legal experience was defending Steve McDonald on Coronation Street….
F/X CROWD BOOS
PRODUCERRight, ok, look – if you feel uncomfortable with this case, we'll move onto the next one. Someone take Mike to the canteen for a coffee and a caramel slice. Jeremy Kyle will have him. Just keep him away from the cutlery though. Applause please. Let's crack on with case two.
F/X APPLAUSE
VOICEOVER[BOOMING]
Please welcome the second case of the evening. Carlos, or "General", Nunez as he likes to be known, is the ex-military dictator of a South American country and is allegedly responsible for the gassing of a hundred thousand innocent civilians in the 70s. But he says he was "just doing his job". Let Judge Julie decide!
JUDGE JULIEI'm calling The Hague…
Out.