A MAN IS WANDERING AROUND B&Q HE HAS STARY EYES AND MUTTERS TO HIMSELF.
HE PICKS UP A BIG SAW, GARDEN SACKS, AND PICKS UP A PAIR OF PLIERS.
HE TESTS TO SEE OF THEY FIT HIS TEETH.
THE DEPUTY MANAGER APROACHES HIM.
DEPUTY
Ah pliers, garden sacks, extra strong straw, planning some unusual DIY?
MAN
Yes I'm replacing my water tank, and, and clearing the bushes. What business is it of yours?
DEPUTY
You're going to pull the teeth out and smash your victims face? Shallow Grave.
You're going to chop them up with a bone saw, wrap them in plastic and dump them in the Thames? Dexter
Sigh how unoriginal and it doesn't work. DNA's a give away and body parts float.
MAN PULLS OUT A STANLEY KNIFE.
MAN
You know my secret and now you must die! Another sacrifice to my dark Gods.
DEPUTY
Put that away. You young serial killers. It's all ooh that looked cool on telly think I'll go kill some prostitutes. I bet you haven't read The Collector or From Hell, or even a decent Yorkshire Rippper biography.
MAN
Are you a serial killer?
DEPUTY
Yes. B&Q were getting credit crunched, we're the one customer deomgraphic that was recession proof. Serial killers and organised murderers. I killed the last manager and they offered me the job.
MAN
You lucky sod, go on that what do I need?
DEPUTY
Steam cleaner, wipes out DNA traces, worm mulcher dissolves bodies, but slow.
MAN WALKS OFF WITH A FULL TROLLEY.
DEPUTY APPROACHES A TWICHY WOMAN WITH WILD HAIR HANDLING CHAINSAWS.
HE HANDS HER A NON SLIP RUBBER HANDLED CLAW HAMMER.
THEY LAUGH LIKE THEY'RE SWOPPING GARDENING TIPS.