Sketch Comp 25.10-1.11.8

Congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... BLOBSTER for stormin' it! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Blobster
1 - 5 - Nigel Kelly
1 - 5 - Oterfox

Your new subject: On The Road

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 1 Nov.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
65 - Chris Forshaw
60 - Baumski
56 - Otterfox
54 - Michael Monkhouse
47 - Nigel Kelly
45 - Timbo
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - Afinkawan
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Eggie
11 - Steven
10 - Blobster
10 - Mikey J
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

Hello. New here. I already posted this skit in its own thread, so I hope I'm not breaching any board etiquette by posting it again here. It seems to fit the theme nicely enough.

---

INT. CAR, DAY

CLOSE on a young BOY, about eight, playing idly with a some kind of electronic gizmo.

BOY (bored)

Are we there yet?

DAD'S VOICE (off camera)

No.

BOY

Are we there yet?

DAD'S VOICE

No.

BOY

Are we there yet?

DAD'S VOICE

No!

[short pause]

BOY

Are we there yet?

DAD'S VOICE

No.

BOY

Are we there yet?

DAD'S VOICE

No.

BOY

Are we there yet?

DAD'S VOICE

We'll be there when we get there!

CUT TO:

They're in a hearse, driving slowly down a residential street. A flower arrangement in the back window reads "GOODBYE MUM"

SCENE STARTS IN AN AMERICAN COP CAR. ANOTHER VEHICLE SPEEDS PAST AND THEY PUT ON THEIR LIGHTS AND PULL IT OVER.
THE POLICEMAN GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND BEGINS TO WALK OVER TO THE VEHICLE. ANOTHER POLICEMAN IN UNIFORM STEPS OUT OF THE CAR THEY WERE IN PURSUIT OF.

POLICE:
Oh sorry officer I didn't realise you were one of us.

DRIVER:
No, sorry I was in a rush, i'm late for duty.

POLICE:
Hey don't worry about it, we got to look out for each other

THEY BOTH TURN BACK AND START WALKING TO THEIR CARS. THE POLICEMAN STOPS AND TURNS ROUND

POLICE:
Hey

DRIVER TURNS ROUND NERVOUSLY

DRIVER:
Yes?

POLICE:
Have a nice day

DRIVER:
Oh, Have a nice day

THEY BOTH RETREAT BACK TO THEIR CARS
CAMERA CUTS TO INTERNAL VIEW OF DRIVERS CAR AS THE POLICE CAR PULLS OF PAST HIM.
DRIVER TURNS TO HIS RIGHT.

DRIVER:
That was a close one

CAMERA SHIFTS TO PASSENGER WHO IS A MILITARY MAN, HE TURNS TO LOOK AT THE BACK SEAT.

MILITARY MAN:
That's why we ride up front.

CAMERA REVEALS PASSENGERS WHO ARE SQUASHED INTO THE BACK SEATS. THEY ARE AN AMERICAN INDIAN, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, COWBOY AND BIKER

Halloweeny one:

BLACK AND WHITE HORROR MOVIE, COUPLE ARE DRIVING DOWN A NARROW COUNTRY ROAD IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.

WENDY:
Watch out for that old man!

CLYDE:
Holy gosh!

THEY HIT THE COLD MAN, HE SLIDES OFF THE BONNET.
THEY STOP THE CAR AND GET OUT.

CLYDE:
Well, I'll be! He mysteriously vanished!

WENDY:
Um... no. Clyde... he's right there...

CLYDE:
One minute he's there, the next he's gone... it's almost as if he was NEVER HERE AT ALL!

WENDY:
Clyde, his head's all... messed up. I think we need to tell somebody.

CLYDE:
And then I turned around and Wendy had been DECAPITATED BY GHOSTS!

WENDY:
Clyde?

CLYDE:
WENDY!

WENDY:
I...

CLYDE:
HUH?!!

WENDY:
Um...

CLYDE:
Nothing! Let's go...

WENDY:
But what...

CLYDE:
GHOSTS, WENDY! GHOSTS!

THEY DRIVE OFF

Little boy

Daddy whasat Daddy

Dad
Where

Little Boy
That fing on the road.

Dad
Oh that's a bunny

Little Boy
It is all squished with its innards on the outards

Dad
Yup, someone run it over

Little Boy
Why Daddy, Why?

Dad
It was naughty

Little Boy
Oh what did it do Daddy

Dad
It got out of bed too early

Little boy
But maybe it needed a wewe Daddy

Dad
Maybe it should have gone before it got into bed.

20 minutes later

Dad
Oh my god whats that in the road

Little Boy
Looks like a mummy & a Daddy

Dad
Jesus there are bits of them everywhere. What the hell happened.

Little boy
Someone ran them over Daddy

Dad
Why would they do that

Little boy
Maybe their son did it after having to sleep all night long in his own f**king piss.

DUANE : So we're on the road. What exactly does that mean?

MANAGER : Well you do these gigs.

SHANE : Gigs? What does that mean?

MANAGER : Well you do the same as you do in the studio - but in front of thousands of adoring girls.

CAIN : You mean dance?

MANAGER : Yeah - like you do for your videos.

SHANE : And Sing?

MANAGER : Not exactly.

DUANE : What do you mean?

MANAGER : You don't think we use your voices on the records do you?

SHANE : So we just mime then?

MANAGER : Exactly! They won't be able to hear you anyway.

INT. A CAR - DAY

Dad is driving the car, with his two children in the back (a boy and a girl, both pretty young). We hear the sound of a tire popping.

DAD
Bloody hell

He pulls the car over to the side of the road.

DAD
I'm gonna have to put the spare on kids

Dad gets out of the car, takes a spare wheel from the boot and goes to the back wheel that isn't on the road side. Dad starts to jack the car up and the kids start to laugh as the car moves up.

DAD
Look, now you're on a boat

Dad starts adjusting the jack up and down so that the car rocks. The kids laugh even more.

BOY
I'm a pirate!

Boy starts jumping around the car, pretending to attack the girl with a sword. She starts to run around the car to get away from him.

Cut to. a police car drives around the corner and sees the car parked up at the side of the road, windows steamed up and rocking. It pulls up next to the car.

POLICE
Some people have no shame

He gets out and and puts his face up to the rear window to look in. A hand appears on the window like that scene from titanic. The police man jolts back, then knocks on the window. It winds down to reveal the two children looking flustered.

POLICE
Bit young aren't you? Are you here on your own?

Dad stands up from behind the car.

DAD
No they're my kids

POLICE
And why aren't you in the car sir?

DAD
I was jacking it

A MAN IS DRIVING. HE SPOTS A HITCH-HIKER TRYING TO THUMB IT.

CAR SLOWS TO A HALT.

HITCH-HIKER RUNS OVER TO THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW WHICH IS BEING WOUND DOWN.

DRIVER:
Where are you heading?

HITCH-HIKER:
London.

DRIVER:
Okay, get in.

DRIVER GETS OUT OF CAR.

HITCH-HIKER GETS IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT AND DRIVES AWAY.

DRIVER WAVES HIM GOODBYE.

DRIVER THEN WALKS ALONG THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, TRYING TO THUMB IT.

INT. NIGHT. A TAXI CAB IS PULLING OVER.

CAB DRIVER
That will be fifteen quid please, love.

GIRL (opening her legs)
Can you take it out of that?

CAB DRIVER PULLS HER ARM UP AND DOWN.. (SOUND FX).. POUND COINS START COMING OUT OF HER VAGINA.

EXT. M25 MOTORWAY - DAY

C/U ON SIGN "M25 - DARTFORD, MAIDSTONE, SEVENOAKS". PAN DOWN A LINE OF CARS STUCK IN TRAFFIC. FIRST 2 or 3 CARS ARE TYPICAL, THEN HOLD ON A 2-HORSE ROMAN CHARIOT. STANDING AT THE REINS IS CAESAR, AND BEHIND HIM CASSIUS AND BRUTUS - ALL DRESSED IN FINEST ROMAN GARB CIRCA 44AD. THEY PERUSE AN AA ROADMAP

CAESAR
Cassius, Brutus - What say'st thou to me now? We surely erred in taking the M25 at rush hour, as I foretold.

CASSIUS
Caesar my Lord - pray be patient, for the traffic always eases after the Dartford Tunnel.

BRUTUS
The Legion awaits at Dover. If we fly like the wind we may yet catch the tide for Gaul.

CASSIUS
Tis March, and the seas are angry.

CAESAR
My soothsayer didst say this morn, "Beware the Tides of March". Hasty must we be - I suggest the A2 to Rochester, thence to Dover by nightfall.

CASSIUS
Nay My Lord - that route 'tis folly. 'Tis the M25 to the M20 every time.

BRUTUS
For certain it is more direct, and how we love a straight road.

CAESAR
M25 Exit2, then the A2. It is foretold. It will be so.

CASSIUS (angry)
Oh, Caesar. Pray read the map. The M20 !!!

CAESAR
Friends, I will die before I take the M20

CASSIUS AND BRUTUS EXCHANGE LOOKS, REACH INTO THEIR TOGAS AND PULL OUT DAGGERS. CASSIUS STABS CAESAR A FEW TIMES. CAESAR TURNS AND SLUMPS IN THE CHARIOT.

CASSIUS (while stabbing)
M20, M20, M20 !!!!!

BRUTUS NOW TAKES HIS TURN

BRUTUS
M20, M20, M20 !!!!!

CAESAR HOLDS OUT HAND AS IF REACHING FOR BRUTUS, BUT POINTS INSTEAD TO THE AA ROADMAP

CAESAR
A2 Brute ???.................

CAESAR DIES.

It cuts to the hard shoulder on a busy motorway. A man dressed in business attire is standing in the cold looking to his left expectantly. Off camera we hear a car door closing and a big, tough looking RAC breakdown recovery man walks into shot and approaches the waiting businessman

RECOVERY MAN
Mr. Andrews?

MAN
Yes, hello there. Good to see you

RECOVERY MAN
Hello sir, you called for assistance

MAN
Yes sorry about this, the cars over here

They walk back along the road to where a tiny child sized car is parked with its hood up

RECOVERY MAN (cautiously)
This is your vehicle is it sir?

MAN
It is

RECOVERY MAN (humoring him)
And what seems to be the problem?

MAN
Well I'd just passed the junction at Crawley and I noticed that I was having difficulty steering, when I got onto this stretch of road it went all together. Somehow, and don't ask me how, I managed to get the car over onto the hard shoulder. It's just lucky for me that the roads are so quiet today or God knows what might have happened

RECOVERY MAN (continuing to humor him)
I see, I'll take a look a look at it shall I?

MAN
Please

Watched intently by the driver the recovery man stoops slightly and appears to look under the hood for a few moments

RECOVERY MAN
Oh dear

MAN
Bad news?

RECOVERY MAN
I'm afraid so, it looks like the steering column has snapped

MAN
Oh that's just great! I don't suppose you can do anything about it here can you?

RECOVERY MAN
I'm afraid not, I'll need to tow you to a garage to get this sorted out

MAN
I see

RECOVERY MAN (as if he's going to do a runner)
If you'll bear with me a moment I'll just reverse up...

The recovery man walks out of shot shaking his head as if he'll never be coming back. The driver stands surveying his car with a look of frustration and disappointment. After a few moments we hear a beeping sound and the RAC man reverses into shot in an equally small breakdown truck, complete with flashing lights.

EXT. THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. DAY.

A TRACTOR HAS BEEN PULLED OVER BY REVENUE & CUSTOMS. THE FARMER HAS STEPPED DOWN FROM THE TRACTOR AND IS TALKING TO A UNIFORMED OFFICER. A SECOND UNIFORMED OFFICER IS WAVING MOTORISTS PAST.

THE OFFICR IS HOLDING UP A PHIAL OF RED LIQUID.

OFFICER
I am sorry sir, but I am afraid the law says quite plainly that red diesel is only to be used for purposes solely relating to agriculture.

FARMER
But these days, see, us farmers, we got to diversify, boy.

THE CAMERA ANGLE CHANGES TO SHOW THE BACK OF THE TRACTOR. A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE PERCHED ON A PLANK LASHED ACROSS THE THE THREE POINT LINKAGE. THEY ARE CLUTCHING SUITCASES, WITH FLIGHT LABELS ATTACHED. THE MAN IS LOOKING AT HIS WATCH.

WOMAN
I told you not to go with the cheapest mini-cab, but oh no, old clever clogs...

END.

TWIG STOP

EXT DAY. A MAN IS DRIVING A CAR DOWN A LONELY STRETCH OF ARTERIAL ROAD.
SEEING THAT HIS PETROL GAUGE IS VERY LOW, HE PULLS OVER WHEN HE SEES WHAT LOOKS LIKE A BURGER VAN WITH A SIGN SAYING ‘PETROL' OUTSIDE.

HE APPROACHES THE VAN AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. A MAN WITH A GREEN BEARD APPEARS VERY CLOSE BEHIND HIM AND STARTLES HIM.

Driver:
Ah, I need some petrol, I take it from the sign that I can get some here.

Strange man:
I'm afraid I'm out of all fossil fuels, I only have dung and ethanol.

Driver:
Dung? Where do you get that from?

THE STRANGE MAN BENDS OVER AND SHOWS HIM HIS ANUS, THE DRIVER FLINCHES.

Driver:
So where's the nearest petrol station?

THE STRANGE MAN POINTS TO THE SKY.

Strange man:
Look, with my twig therapy all your problems will be solved.

Driver:
Twig therapy?

CUT TO THE INSIDE OF THE VAN. THE DRIVER IS LAID OUT ON THE BED, LOOKING AROUND HIM NERVOUSLY. SITAR MUSIC IS PLAYING.

THE STRANGE MAN PRODUCES A V SHAPED TWIG AND WAVES IT OVER THE DRIVER'S BODY.

Strange man:
The V twig unblocks your desire line.

Driver:
I only want some soddin' petrol.

PETROL STARTS TO DRIP OUT OF THE DRIVER'S TROUSERS. HE LOOKS SCARED. THE STRANGE MAN PRODUCES A BIGGER TWIG.

Strange man:
And the twig of destiny exorcises your inner ghosts.

TWO HOODED FIGURES EMERGE FROM THE DOOR. THE STRANGE MAN HANDS THEM THE DRIVER'S CAR KEYS. THEY WHISPER, ‘NICE ONE TWIGGY!' AND SCARPER.

Strange man:
And the branch thrash releases your peptobismolic acid…

HE PRODUCES A SMALL BRANCH AND PROCEEDS TO THRASH THE DRIVER ABOUT THE TORSO. HE SQUEAKS EACH TIME HE IS HIT AS THE CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL THE TWO HOODIES DRIVING OFF IN THE CAR AS THE SUN GOES DOWN.

FADE

TEXAS HOME HIT BY HURRICANE.

A Texan family's house was left in ruins after it was hit by Hurricane Higgins.

Yes. Snooker player Alex 'Hurricane' Higgins was on the road to a Snooker Championship when he took a wrong turn on the earth and ended up in Texas.

In a statement Higgins said that he was not sure what got into him but when he realised he had taken a wrong turn and had then eaten a few onions in haste his wind increased significantly and when he then realised he had missed his match he started crying profusely.

It wasnt long before he was covering the whole south western region of the state.

Higgins admitted that he did indeed hit the house but it was in frustration more than anything else.

He stated that he had never missed a game in his life so he had to do the next best thing to compensate.

He started bouncing off cushions, getting people to poke him wit a stick, he got extensions and started putting his balls into peoples pockets.

END.

EXT. FILMING A TV SHOW. SOME SHOTS OF THE CREW, ETC.

TV PRESENTER:
Welcome once again to "On the Road".. my feet are simply aching as I walk into.. (PAUSE) (CUT TO PANNING SHOT) Bottlington, "the magical little town"
(CUT TO A SIGN.. BOTTLINGTON - The Magical Little Town)

TV PRESENTER (to a passerby):
And what is so magical about your town, my friend..

PASSERBY:
Well, I dunno mate, I saw a lorry turn into a sidestreet once but that's about it! (CARRYS ON WALKING AWAY)

TV PRESENTER (to man's back):
Oh, I get it. Very droll.

ANOTHER PASSERBY IS RUNNING FOR A BUS WHICH IS JUST ABOUT TO CLOSE IT'S DOORS. ANOTHER MAN STANDS AND WATCHES.

STANDING MAN (SHOUTING TO RUNNING MAN):
Oi, you haven't dropped anything!

RUNNING MAN STOPS BEWILDERED AND STARTS LOOKING AROUND ON THE FLOOR. THE BUS DOORS CLOSE.

STANDING MAN:
You're not listening, I said you haven't dropped anything!

RUNNING MAN:
But I've missed my bus now!

STANDING MAN:
Yes, but you haven't dropped anything!

THE RUNNING MAN LOOKS GRATEFUL AND THEY SHAKE HANDS WARMLY WITH EYE CONTACT.

TV PRESENTER:
There's something odd going on here..

A MAN IN NERDY CLOTHES IS WALKING ALONG THE STREET. THERE IS A SIGN "MODEL SHOP" WITH AN ARROW POINTING AROUND A CORNER. THE NERDY MAN SMILES AND STARTS GOING AROUND THE CORNER... AS HE DOES SO HE LOOKS AT THE CAMERA AND GRINS...

WE FOLLOW HIM AROUND THE CORNER AND THERE IS A NORMAL SHOP SELLING MODEL AEROPLANE KITS AND STUFF BUT NOT FUNNY IN ANY WAY AND HE GOES IN AND STARTS LOOKING AROUND QUITE NORMALLY.

END OF THIS SEGMENT

(This is part of a long stream of consciousness running gag type thing.. coincidentally called "On the Road" ... sorry, it's all I've got!!)

Frankie xxx