Licence 2

A MAN IN A DINNER JACKET IS QUEUING IN AT THE POST OFFICE, BEHIND HIM IS AN OLD WOMAN WITH A SHOLLEY, A BLOKE IN A SHELL SUIT, AND A CHAVETTE LISTENING TO TINNY R&B ON HER MOBILE.

OLD WOMAN

Can I go infront, my colostomy full and I need to drain it. Well go on can I, bloody young people, no f**king respect.

SHELL SUIT.

Oi I need to shove in more, I'm got Incap to sign on for, and I'm bloody going to miss Jeremy Kyle. Oi arse hole let us in front.

OLD WOMAN

I was pushing in first, you disrespectful fat bastard.

SHELL SUIT

Yeh why don't you die, bet you're really old like, Thatcher or summat.

CHAVETTE

Bet he's a paedo signing on on the sex offenders register, oi nonce!

OLDWOMAN

How disgusting. Ee in my day we had no paedophiles, you got married when you were 12 and that was that.

DJ GETS TO FRONT OF QUEUE. WOMAN AT COUNTER SPEAKS TO HIM.

COUNTER

Hello Mr Bond, here's your new licence to kill.

DJ TAKES LICENCE TURNS ROUND PULLS OUT A MACHINE GUN FROM HIS BRIEF CASE.
HE THEN GUNS DOWN THE ENTIRE QUEUE.

DJ

Well that was a post office queue (BEAT) to a kill.

Punny punchline.

The name's Bond, Premium Bond, you can call me ERNIE.

I've had a long unfunny obsession with just how do you get a licence to kill.

And do you have to pay for it? Do you get monthly reminders if you haven't killed anybody lately? You might have to have inspectors come round to your house to see if you have any bodies there.

Do you need an E111 if you want kill some one in Euorpe?

Is it cheaper to kill black and whites people? Do you need a coloured one to shoot Chinese and people with tans?