FENELLA, SEBASTIAN AND KATE ARE HAVING A MIDDLE CLASS CANDLE LIT DINNER.
FENELLA
Super dinner party Kate, Sebastian where did you get this unusual cheese?
KATE
Aldi, ever since Sebastian lost his job in the city we've had to make a few economies.
FENELLA
Mmm what variety is it?
KATE
Smoked Austrian cheddar flavour, did you spot the butter wasn't actually butter?
SEBASTIAN
Yes fooled you! It's I'm Pretty Convinced it's Butter from Aldi.
FENELLA
It's pretty convincing if a little runny. The crunch has whacked us all You'd think with every one being so broke, they'd want more Yoga or Reikii healing.
SEBASTIAN
Surely people can still afford a mere 50 pounds for Tantric Yoga?
FENELLA
Alas no.
KATE
We've even had to let our spare room, I think he's a novelist.
SEBASTIAN
We don't see much of him.
GRAMS SOUNDS OF A VERY NOISY PORN FILM BEING PUT ON UPSTAIRS, FOLLOWED BY FRANTIC MASTURBATION.
KATE
Gosh I wandered if he was home!
SEBASTIAN
Must be watching another of his art films, I think this ones Swedish.
GRAMS FILM STOPS SOUND OF PERSON COMING DOWN STAIRS.
THE LODGER ENTERS HE HAS IS WEARING A FILTHY PAIR OF YFRONTS, AND A "Duck Sick" T SHIRT.
HE GLOWERS AT EVERY ONE, PICKS UP THE FAKE BUTTER AND WALKS OUT.
SEBASTIAN
Erm, gosh er I wander when he'll finish that novel!
KATE
Ooh I've got some Aldi Sherry flavoured Fortiifed Wine Drink, it should be nicely chilled.
GRAMS
THE PORN FILM AND MASTURBATION STARTS UP.
FINELLA
I'm just popping out to the little girls room.
FX
SOUNDS OF STAIRS BEING WALKED UP.
DOOR BEING KNOCKED ON AND MUFFLED CONVERSATION.
THE MASTURBATION HAS STOPPED.
FINELLA OOV
Fine 20 quid it is then, tight wad.
FX
SOUND OF PORN FILM, AND MASTURBATION
FINELLA OOV
You're a bad boy, yes you are you're a bad boy and my going to have to....
SEBASTIAN
Classic FM darling?
KATE
Super.
KATE TURNS CLASSIC FM ON VERY, VERY LOUD.