(Earlier in the year BBC radio was looking for material inspired by the Royal family..short pieces less than 3 minutes long as I recall. Anyway, I never heard back from them - bastards! Apologies in advance if the formatting goes astray - I'm still learning how this board works... )
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F/X PHONE RINGS. RECEIVER IS PICKED UP. RINGING STOPS
MR VERDUCCI(UNMISTAKABLE HEAVY ITALIAN ACCENT)
Verducci Italian Fine Foods, Gino Verducci speaking.
LIZ(A VOICE STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO H.R.H THE QUEEN)
Mr Verducci – this is, ah, Liz - from the Royal
Warrant Office.
MR VERDUCCIAh, yes. We are very proud to display the Royal Seal
and to be… how you say.. a "Surveyor" to the Royal
Family.
LIZI believe you refer to the word "Purveyor".. with a "P"
MR. VERDUCCIWith a pea? No, no – we do not sell peas - a very
English vegetable, no? Good for boiling I think – and
for your famous English delicacy – the "Mushy Peas"
LIZQuite. Look here Mr. Verducci, we are calling about
your Company's warrant, which was issued by my…..
issued by Her Majesty Elizabeth, the late Queen Mother.
MR. VERDUCCIYes, the Queen – Elizabeth. We are so proud to put
the little royal crest on our boxes – the pasta, the
sausage, the ice cream – it's a very nice crest, so
classy yes? With the crown and the little lions –
LIZNo, no – to Her Majesty Elizabeth, the Queen Mother
– the QUEEN's mother you see.
MR. VERDUCCIYes, the Queen – she is Elizabeth – and yes, of
course she is a mother – she has Anna the Horse
Lady and the three boys… Eduardo, Andrew and
Carlo – Charles - a good boy, I think he becomes
King soon yes?
LIZCertainly not! He would likely appoint a Geranium as the Royal Chamberlain. No, we would never shun our constitutional duty as long as we are alive and of sound mind. Wild dogs could not keep us from our throne.
FXDOG'S BARK AT LIZ'S END OF THE CONVERSATION
MR. VERDUCCIWhy you keep saying "we"… is there someone with
you on this telephone?
LIZOh no, no. Just the "Royal We" as we say.
LIZ(Off) Get down now you little rascals… Walkies later
(Normal – Talking again to Mr V.)
Your Warrant is no longer valid Mr. Verducci – it being
issued by the Queen Mother, Elizabeth Bowes- Lyon
MR. VERDUCCIYes, those Lions – they are on the crest as I say –
the Royal Arms. "Verducci Italian Fine Foods – By
Appointment to Her Majesty" – our customers like this
I think.
LIZNo, no – you misunderstand. There is the Queen Mother, and there is the Warrant – and both have unfortunately – expired. Hence the reason for
our call.
FXKNOCKING ON A DOOR
VOICE (muffled) Ma'am... are you in there?
LIZ(Softly)
Look here Mr. Verducci, I don't have much time so I
will get to the point. I'm going to make you an offer
you can't refuse – you're Italian so I'm sure you've heard that expression before. You do not want to lose your Royal Warrant, and I am in a position of some influence to transfer it for you. Now, if you were to arrange to leave a little package in front of my house once a week, well, it could work out for the both of use yes?
Mr. VERDUCCILook Liz, maybe in Italy I expect this thing – but England, it is not how do you say, "Croquet". I think I want to speak to your boss.
LIZMr. Verducci, I happen to be the boss of my particular department, and frankly you can take this to the Archbishop of Canterbury himself and I'm quite sure he will support my position if he knows what's good for him.
MR. VERDUCCIWhere you want me to deliver this package?
LIZRight, drive to the end of the Mall. The house is right in front of you, it's an off-white colour, lots of windows, big gates in front…. Leave it with the soldiers…
GRAMS:THEME FROM "THE GODFATHER"…. FADE