I've been writing gags for money this week.
Here's some I didn't sell. If you like them there's another 60 or so.
1 How many Sara Palins does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2, 1 to screw in the light bulb and 1 to make sure her daughter doesn't join in.
2 Did you hear about the murdered Dalek?
It's a Dr Who done it.
3 James Bond was arrested for murder.
Turns out it was a provisional licence to kill and he forgot the L plates for his gun.
4 My boyfriend was so cheap he said we were going to see the Dark Knight.
We went for a walk and he broke a lamp post.
5 What's got wheels and a steel chain?
Stephen Hawkins looking for a fight.
6 I saw my Dr yesterday, he's a new Tesco's Gp. He told me I had a week to live.
The good news was there was double club points on Tesco funerals.
7 I saw my Dr for some tests, his Labrador licked me and his cat looked me up and down.
The Lab tests and CAT scan came back fine.
8 I went to the pub and said I want to get hammered for a fiver.
So the bar man hit me with a mallet.
9 What's 6 inches long and scares grannies?
Council tax bills.
10 I'm so old the police arrested me for asking Gary Glitter if he wanted to see my puppies.
1 Jamie Oliver's is making a new program where he makes fat kids eat their pets if they don't lose weight.
It's called Jamie's cruel dinners.
2 Jillian Keith is to play a turd examining Belgian detective on ITV.
It's called Pooro.
3 A blond goes into Tescos and demands the new cereal that helps you lose pounds.
It's called credit crunch.
4 Jamie Oliver and Gok Wan are teaming up to make.
How to cook naked.
5 The UN is sending Gok Wan to Georgia to make a TV show.
How to look good invaded.
6 I bought some new Gordon Brown Wood Stain.
It takes 42 days to apply but then there's no way of removing it.
7 Katie Price's is having her tits examined.
2 are ok, the 3rd one is still trying to release an album.
8 The rock stars union has failed.
Pete Docherty kept trying to snort the picket lines.
9 How many Mandelson's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 just make sure, it's the light bulb he screws.
10 My local pet shop is so dodgy, I bought a Siamese cat.
It was a tabby and a black cat glued together.
1 What's green and sticky.
A stick insect that's recycling.
2 What's black and white and red all over.
A communist zebra.
3 How many Tory's does it take to change a light bulb?
11, 1 to change it and 10 to say how much better it was in the dark under Thatcher.
4 I asked my pizza shop to make me one with everything.
So they converted me to Budhism.
5 What's brown, stinks and you you wouldn't want in your pants.
The Prime Minister.
1 Why did Cheryl the WAG cry? Because some one told her they were sending Coles to Newcastle.
2 What do you call a kid from Rotherham not holding a kebab? Thalidomide.(maybe jsut butter fingers?)
3 Why did the chicken cross the road in Amsterdam? To get Kentucky fried.
4 You know you're drunk when you goto bed with a beautiful Italian babe in a red dress. And wake up with the Pope.
5 I bought some philosophical underpants yesterday. They were Y fronts.
6 I told the guy at the cinema I had a ticket for Saw
So he shut the door on my fingers
7 My wife asked me to make her feel like Britney Spears. So I took the kids and had her commited.
8 My teaching won't kiss me. He said he shouldn't even be in my bed.
9 You know you're drunk when you get in a black cab with a comfy bed. And you wake up in a hearse.
10 You know you should stop drinking. When the Pink Elephants give you AA leaflets.