2 KIDS ON STAGE WITH A TEACHER, THERE IS A PRESENTER.
PRESENTER
Tourettes syndrome is one of the best known neurological conditions. An autonomic innability to avoid swearing or repsonding suddenly to stimuli.
TEACHER
What did Richard III say on losing in battle?
PUPIL1
He said f**k off miss I've got a banging hang over.
PRESENTER
But with 90% of UK pupils apparently having Tourettes who cares. It's its sister condition we will be cosndiering today.
PUPIL2
F,f,f,(PAUSES)A horse a horse my kingdom for a horse.
TEACHER
Well done Jenny.
PUPIL1 PUNCHES PUPIL 2 THE GROUND.
PUPIL1
Arse sucking mother f**ker.
PRESENTER
Anti TOurettes, or politeness as it's better known afflicts only 1% of English school children. An innability to swear reflexivley and generally be a bit of a cock, can lead to misunderstanding and social isolation.
PUPIL 2 AND TEACHER WALK OFF STAGE.
PRESENTER
So Jenny, when did you first realise you had anti TOurettes?
PUPIL3
I went to a football match with my dad.
PRESENTER
What happened, be brave Jenny.
PUPIL2
I kept shouting, "The referees doing a reasonable job," over and over.
PRESENTER
And what do you think caused this cruel affliction?
PUPIL2
My mum got wasted on methodone WKD and skunk when she was 6 months pregnant with me. She was in a week long coma.
PRESENTER
And that caused you brain damage?
PUPIL 2
No, she had turned the radio on and she passed out before she could tune it to XFM. She left it on Radio4, a week of Radio 4 scarred me terribly. I've been polite ever since. I some times wish I'd died.
PRESENTER
What was your worst experience?
PUPIL2
So many; we had a new teacher called Giles Molester I was the only one who called him sir. Chris Moiles visited our school, I was the only one who couldn't call him a c,c,c,c,u.
PRESENTER
A c**t?
PUPIL2
Well he isn't he. I did get to meet the queen though, she was visiting the most unfortunate kids in Kent, I was one of them. I told her all about my condition.
PRESENTER
What did she say to you?
PUPIL2
She called me a stuck up gobshite and set a corgi on me.
PRESENTER
Next week the sad story of under 16 girls who can't pregnant, and the boyfriends who won't abandon them.