I've had another go at it this week. Here are a few. Some are ok others are a bit pants.
Prince Harry to go to Iraq
Al Qaeda terrorists have issued a threat to Prince Harry, saying that they will kidnap or kill him when he arrives for his tour of duty.
The army are taking the threat seriously.
Look what happened to his mother the last time she went abroad with her friends!
Overhaul of Welfare System
A government commissioned paper will say that sweeping changes should be made in an effort to get people off of benefits.
The report has been written by a former banker David Freud. He was asked to reduce the number of people of working age claiming benefits.
“We have thought of several approaches: one of which would be to get all these spongers into a field and cull them all with sharp farming implements. This would only be carried out if all other avenues have been explored.”
John Hutton Work and Pensions Secretary told the BBC that
“Money could be made available for a hair cut or a new suit.”
A spokesman for road protesters and hippies said,
“This is intimidation. What have we ever done? Absolutely bloody nothing!”
No change there then.
Safest Ever Passport Unfit
After the Government have stated that the new biometric passports recently issued were the safest ever, it has been revealed that journalists have managed to steal the details encrypted on a passport’s electronic chip in only four hours.
The information gained would be enough for a people trafficker to steal a person’s identity and for somebody to set themselves up in this country.
Tony Blair said that recently he had become victim of identity theft.
“The thief stole my details and tried to move into my house and take my job.”
A Mr G Brown has been helping Police with their inquiries.
Love of Speed Killed Lawrence
There has always been a shadow of doubt around Lawrence of Arabia’s death claiming that he was eliminated as he was an embarrassment to the Government of the day but private letters sent by Lawrence of Arabia to Author and friend, Arthur Williamson revealed that Lawrence, who died in a motorcycle accident, was known for his love of speed.
An expert on T.E Lawrence said,
“We don’t know for sure he was addicted to speed but we do know he liked a smoke every now and again.”
Greenhouse Effect is a Load of Hot Air
According to a UN report, research recently conducted has led some leading scientists to believe that the Greenhouse Effect is a sham and an exaggeration.
We believe that it’s more of a Cold Frame Effect which would reproduce conditions ideal for growing cucumbers and Galia melons.
A leading Professor said that his name had been removed from the document after he threatened legal action saying,
“I planted my cucumbers early last year and they never came up at all”
Carol Knocks Brains into Shape
Glamorous TV boffin Carol Vorderman has launched a daily workout game for the brain called ‘Mind Aerobics’. The interactive game will be available to play online, via mobile phone or on Sky TV.
Vorderman, the Countdown’s mathematical genius and promoter of cholesterol reducing spread, was asked how she managed to find the time to fit the project in to her busy schedule.
She replied that her financial circumstances had forced her into this situation as she had recently taken out a secured loan and was having trouble paying it off due to the crippling interest.