Quote: Stephen Goodlad @ 13th January 2018, 4:16 PMGot bit by a great big 'oss yesterday.
Just walking by, it's head was over the fence and without warning it lunged and bit me very hard on the tit.
The bruises of its teeth marks are horrendous.
Sorry Stephen, but that is hilarious
Oh it is hilarious. My wife, friends and anyone I told laughed their socks off.
It was the quickness and violence and unbelievable pain that shocked me. 
You didn't tell us it was caught on camera
An Ostrich in Yorkshire?
The bruising looks nasty and painful so you should complain to the owner as your description of what went down sounds like the bird was on private land and attacked you when you were on public land. You look a strapping fellow but what if the next target is an inquisitive child or family of ducklings. The owner needs to be informed so he can tie it up and let you give it a f**king good kick up the arse.
Next time you see a horse Stephen, don't say "Hay." This could become a popular youtube channel. Each week Stephen attempts to get bitten by an exotic animal. We could title it "What's eating Stephen." So what animal needs enticing this week ? Think of the advertising revenue. Think of your wife's laughter.
Ah, but the channel would come to an unhappy end when he tried it on a Cobra.
Herc, I thought of you today while driving back from Clydebank. We were on Dumbarton Road which is parallel to where your in-laws live
Quote: Briosaid @ 2nd February 2018, 9:17 PMHerc, I thought of you today while driving back from Clydebank. We were on Dumbarton Road which is parallel to where your in-laws live
Aww, that's nice, but I think only two cousins are alive in Glasgow now - my wife has lost touch since all her aunts and uncles died.
Can't remember if I ever posted this before, but this is me in 1967 outside my wife's aunt's tenement block in Earl Street. (not a brilliant photo as is my own copy from a slide)
What a child you were, but so were we all in '67.
So, I've been in a cult for the past...oh, 7 or so months? I've lost track of time. It was an extremely fun and engrossing cult (as they are). I never thought I'd be part of a cult, but I was completely taken in. It was that job I was doing 80 hours a week the last time I posted. Basically a door to door sales cult/pyramid scheme. I finally had the sense to google the parent company I was working for and it had SCAM written all over it. These offices have popped up all over the US and Canada and Australia and now in London and are taking vulnerable young idiots (like myself) off the streets, giving them a job, and paying them usually less than a dollar per hour of work to the point that they live in hovels together barely able to scrape together rent on a 2 bedroom apartment shared between 9-12 hopeful suckers. I was strangely good at it (selling fast internet isn't all that difficult) so the money wasn't entirely crap in my case. I think that's why I stuck around as long as I did, that and I was just blindsided by the fun and the manic cultist energy and the competitive aspect. But when I realised how unethical a business it is, taking 80+ hours a week away from people, making them abandon their families and friends, and devoting every ounce of energy they can muster into padding the paycheck of the branch owner until they either are too broke to afford petrol to get to work and have to quit or they just burn out from exhaustion...anyway, yeah, I not so quietly dipped out of there as quickly as I could when I suddenly burned through the fog I was in. It was kind of awful, but I learned a lot, grew a lot, and am now taking courses to get certified as an insurance agent. Life takes strange turns. I have a job waiting for me once I've finished with my certification. I just passed my Property and Casualty exam and have my Life and Health exam in less than 2 weeks. Then I'll be working a very cushy 40 hours a week, indoors, Monday-Friday, with a base pay, plus commission and renewals. I feel immensely ashamed that I got sucked into a cult, and feel quite ridiculous about it, but there is it. It happens?
In other words, I'm back!
(Feel free to make fun. I can take it)
Cor blimey.
Did they have a branch in Waco?
Only in Americky - welcome back, and you need to come and live over here. Silly girl. 
I know I do! The cult tricked me into thinking I could get a work visa through their company. Found out that was bollocks too. I have backup plans to get into your country though. I'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, I need to scrape together some serious change so I can head back to the Fringe in August. Maybe if I just lose my passport while I'm there they'll have to let me stay and get a job. Is that in any way plausible?
Thanks by the way. I am a very silly girl. Getting inducted into a door to door sales cult...tsk tsk. Where was my head?
Blimey! 
But at least you figured it out!
And it's all good material. I expect a sitcom about cultists.
The new job sounds much better.
Sounds boring more like. Being an insurance agent? The cult was much more exciting. I'll give it that. I do have a lot of stories from that job. I met all sorts, got bit in the arse by dogs, fell into lake-sized puddles, faceplanted on uneven pavement in the dark in front of a family of people who had the indecency to stare but not laugh, get chased on bicycle by someone who hates the internet provider I worked for and really really took their 'no soliciting' sign seriously, had the police called on me by some hippies who live in a hexagonal house, got wined and dined by people in mansions who wanted fast internet, met inventors, magicians, british expats (that was always very exciting), walked about 15 miles a day, and screamed and chanted a lot of acronyms in the morning to get pumped up for the latest day of door to door sailing.
I still catch myself using the stock phrases I had ingrained in my head from the brainwashing. Like 'no big deal' and 'HAMAGA!' (try to guess what that one stands for. Cults are weird, okay?
Worthy of a sitcom? Maybe, maybe not. Worthy of some standup? I think yes. If the job taught me anything it was how to take even the most fierce rejection and just let the hatred roll right off me. I'm the rejection queen now. Surely that's a sign I should give stand up a go. I do not care one iota whether people laugh or not. I just want to get up on stage. I'd be perfectly happy to crash and burn. I'd be baffled if I didn't for the first 10-50 gos. Now I just need to be funny. That's the stumbling block now.