Sketchy comp 12.10. to 19.10.08

Congrats on another great set of sketches! And larger congrats to... TIMBO for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Timbo
1 - 5 - Mannikin Bird
1 - 5 - Eggie
1 - 5 - Frankie Rage
1 - 5 - Chris Forshaw
1 - 5 - Mikey J
1 - 5 - Otterfox

Your new subject: SILENT MOVIES

(Incidentally I once made some silent movies. They weren't meant to be silent, they were meant to get laughs. Bob Monkhouse)

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 19 Oct.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie Back on Top!
98 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
65 - Chris Forshaw
60 - Baumski
54 - Michael Monkhouse
51 - Otterfox
45 - Timbo
42 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - Afinkawan
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Eggie
11 - Steven
10 - Mikey J
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

Excerpt from this thing I wrote: http://eggheadcheesybird.deviantart.com/art/Christmas-Mourning-Harry-Snow-95690626
Basically it's about an arrogant silent film super-star whose career falls out from under with the advent of certain new technologies...

THE ON SET ONSET

FX: Bustling movie set, 'little people' running around in background.

JOE: (NERVOUS) Okay, I think everyone's just about ready setting up here. Um, lemmee introduce myself; I'm Joe Welt... uh,
Charles Welt's son, I'll be taking over as director on this picture. Obviously, it's an honour to be working with you, Mr. Snow.

HARRY: *grunt*
JOE: Huhh...

DOLERES: (IMPOSSIBLY SEXY) Don't worry about Harry, sweetie. He's still annoyed at that last director, the grumpy old thing.

JOE: Ah yes... the last direc... Is that him up there?

DISTANT VOICE: HELP! HELP MEEE!

DOLERES: That's right; Harry said if he's going to interrupt him in the middle of a performance to adjust lighting, maybe he should keep a closer eye on the rig...

JOE: That's uh... good thinking, Harry... pro-active. (TO DOLORES) Um... I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

DOLERES: It's Dolores, darling. Dolores Divine.

JOE: Damn...

DOLORES: I've heard of you, of course. I'm sure you must pull quite a bit of influence with your father...

JOE: Well, I wouldn't say that...

DOLORES: Really? I can't believe that... a big, strong, handsome man like yourself...

JOE: Ah heh heh...

HARRY: AHEM!

JOE: Oh right! Sorry, Harry! Uh- Mr. Snow!

HARRY: *GRUNT*

JOE: Okay, um, everyone... Quiet on the set!

FX: The noise dies down

DISTANT VOICE: HEEEEEELLLLP!!

JOE: Um... You too, Mr. Demille. If that's okay...

DISTANT VOICE: Oh... sorry.

JOE: No problem. Um, okay, places everyone. Dolores, remember to speak into the bush, okay!

DOLORES: Will you be returning the favour later?

JOE: Ah heh-

HARRY: HRRM!!

JOE: Right!! Sorry, Harry! Mr. Snow! Uhhh... ACTION!

FX: Clapper board

DOLORES: I don't understand, Winston. And I don't think I ever could; I'm just a love struck girl in a pickle of jam... Won't
You explain it to me simply, in a way my female mind will understand...

HARRY: (SPEAKS AS IF TONGUE IS 8 TIMES TOO BIG FOR MOUTH) Don'th thoo wolly abargh a fthing, tharli-

JOE: Holy shit!

Harry: Thorry?!

JOE: Oh! Um...

HARRY: THFHHART ITH IT, HUH?!!

FX: Crew start giggling

HARRY: Thwhy arr 'ey sthopping?!!

JOE: No. No reason... We'll... Jesus Christ... We'll just start again!

HARRY: THISTH ISH BOOLTHITT!

FX: The crew start laughing harder

HARRY: THOP IT!! THOP IT 'OO THUCKING ASTHOLES!! THOR ALL FTHIRED!! THUCK 'OO!! I'M 'OING 'OO MY THRAILER!!

JOE: Harry, wait! F**k...

FX: Harry walks off

JOE: (ALMOST LAUGHING, ADDRESSING CREW) Okay, one of you could have warned me about that! Aw, geeze...

DOLORES: He'll be a while in there... Maybe we could use this time to have a little script read-through in your office, we can take a long hard look at those important bits, work over some of that... stiff dialogue.

JOE: Heh heh... God, I'm so screwed...

DOLORES: Not yet.

JOE: Jesus, what a mess.

DOLORES: Not as big as the mess-

JOE: Okay, okay, I get it. Let's go f**k.

DOLORES: Thank you.

INT. DAY. PORNO FILM STORE.

ASSISTANT:
May I help you?

MAN:
Yes, I'm looking for an old porn film, of the silent era, 1920's.

ASSISTANT:
I'll go and check for you.

ASSISTANT RETURNS EMPTY HANDED.

ASSISTANT:
Didn't see anything, do you know who acted in it, or what the storyline was?

MAN:
Oh, I should have said, its about a mime artist.

ASSISTANT:
Silent mime porn, it doesn't ring a bell. I'll take another look.

ASSITANT RETURNS AGAIN EMPTY HANDED.

ASSISTANT:
Nope, still nothing.

MAN:
Oh, I've just remembered its French.

ASSISTANT:
So, its a subtitled silent mime porn then, I'll look online. (PAUSE)
Its a niche film alright, the net hasn't even heard of it.

MAN:
Oh yes, the Invisible man acted in it too, along side the mime bloke.

ASSISTANT:
Let me get this straight.

MAN:
Its not straight.

ASSISTANT:
Ok, its a gay subtitled silent mime porn with two actors, one of whom is a superhero who you don't actually see.

MAN:
Totally.

ASSISTANT:
Nah, we don't have it.(PAUSE) Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain?

END.

SILENT MOVIE

EXT. SEPIA COLOURED LOCATION WHERE PEOPLE WALK FASTER. DAY.

MAN 1 IS TALKING TO MAN 2.

MAN 1:

MAN 2:

MAN 1:

BOTH MEN LAUGH VERY SILENTLY.

CAPTION: "AND NOW THE TWIST."

MAN 3:

ONCE AGAIN, BOTH MEN LAUGH VERY SILENTLY, WHILST MAN 3 PUTS A HAT ON.

THE END.

Well, it IS a silent movie.

INT. OLD-TIME SILENT FILM STUDIO. THEY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SCENE.

DIRECTOR:
Cut!

THE ACTORS CARRY ON ACTING THE SCENE.

DIRECTOR:
Cut! I said, CUT!

THE ACTORS STILL CARRY ON.

DIRECTOR:
Oh, sorry guys..

THE DIRECTOR PUTS BOTH HIS ARMS IN THE AIR AND WAVES. THE ACTORS STOP ACTING AND EVERYBODY SMILES AND NODS.

INT. A CAR - DAY

Two men get into a car and seatbelt up.

MAN1
What did you think of the film then?

MAN2
It was rubbish! There was no talking in it at all

MAN1
It was a silent movie!

Pause for a moment

MAN2
Just because it was silent it doesn't mean it doesn't stink

Pause again for a moment

MAN2
Seriously, put the window down or something you dirty bugger

Living room, elderly couple watching TV.

TV murmuring in background

Man: (Turns to old woman) What's he say?

Woman: (Slightly exasperated) Ken's just said he doesn't love Deirdre any more.

Cut to same couple in church, Minister preaching in background

Man: (turns to woman) What's he say?

Woman: (embarrassed and exasperated) He said let us pray

Cut to cinema with sign "Classic Silent Movies – for one night only"

Cut to old couple in cinema watching show.

Man: (Turns to woman) What's he say?

Woman: (Furious) It's just a fecking habit with you. (She storms out).

Pan to man with big grin on face.

"DEAF-LY" SILENCE

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING – DAY.

C/U ON SIGN "LIBRARY FOR THE DEAF"
(THE WORD DEAF IS CROSSED OUT AND THE WORDS "HARD OF HEARING" SUBSTITUTED)

A YOUNG MAN, ENTERS THE BUILDING

CUT TO:

INT. LIBRARY FOR THE HARD OF HEARING – DAY.

MAN WALKS UP TO THE INFORMATION DESK, AND USES SIGN LANGUAGE TO THE PRETTY YOUNG LIBRARIAN.

SUBTITLE:
"Hard of hearing? Bloody right it's hard. I'm as deaf as a post"

THE LIBRARIAN PUTS HER INDEX FINGER TO HER MOUTH, THEN POINTS TO A SIGN ON THE WALL:

"QUIET PLEASE - NO SUBTITLES"

GOLDEN AGE

INT DAY: A GRANDAD SITS DOWN AT A COMPUTER WITH SIMON, A TEENAGE BOY.

GRANDAD:
C'mon, Simon, give yer grandad a treat and find some old silent films for me on that internet.

SIMON:
No probs, gramps.

HE TYPES A FEW WORDS ON THE KEYBOARD.

GRANDAD:
I'll be blown, wonders never cease – you've found one in seconds! What's this one called?

CUT TO A VERY OLD LOOKING SILENT MOVIE SHOWING A FARMER IN A VEST LEANING ON A PITCHFORK, WINKING AT THE CAMERA.

SIMON:
Stag Movie Volume 11.

GRANDAD:
Don't remember that but play it anyway.

SIMON:
Are you sure, gramps?

GRANDAD:
Oh aye – I used to like watching these films with my mam and dad – they were all the rage when they were young, see.

CUT TO THE FILM AGAIN: AN ON SCREEN CAPTION SAYS: ‘BUSTER WAS HIS FAVOURITE HORSE'.

GRANDAD:
Eh, Mavis, come and see this!

SIMON:
Are you sure grandma will like this?

GRANDAD:
Look, e's getting changed, I think this is about a horse wot doesn't budge when you want it to.

AS GRANDMA ENTERS, SHE SQUINTS AT THE SCREEN.

SIMON:
He's budging now alright!

GRANDMA:
Ah! A silent movie – what's this one?

SIMON:
I think he's beating the horse because it's been stubborn, look, is that two magpies there, two for joy!

AS HE POINTS, BOTH GRANDPARENTS IGNORE HIM AND SQUINT AT THE SCREEN.THE SCREEN SHOWS A REAR SHOT OF THE FARMER BANGING AWAY AT THE HORSE'S REAR, HIS TROUSERS ROUND HIS ANKLES.

THE CAPTION SAYS: 'HE STILL WANTS MORE – NOW HERE'S DOLORES!' A WOMAN WALKS ACROSS THE FRAME IN THAT SPEEDED UP 1920S WAY AND PROCEEDS TO BEND OVER.

CUT TO GRANDAD SMILING AND GRANDMA WINCING.

SIMON:
Er, maybe he's a doctor and he's examining her.

THE CAPTION SAYS – AND NOW THE CUM SHOT
THE GIRL APPEARS TO BE WIPING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SEMEN OFF HER FACE. THE CAPTION SAYS – ‘THE END'.

BOTH GRANDPARENTS NOW LOOK DELIGHTED, GRANDMA SITS ON GRANDAD'S LAP.

GRANDMA:
Is there any more?

GRANDAD:
What's this, Stag Movie Volume 12..

SIMON:
Look, I've got to, er, buy some lightbulbs.

HE GOES TO GET HIS CAR KEYS. AS HE GOES PAST THE ROOM WITH THE COMPUTER, THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT AND LOUD PANTING AND BANGING CAN BE HEARD.

A CAPTION APPEARS ON THE SCREEN SAYING, ‘THAT'S WELL SICK!'
SIMON, NOW SEEN IN SILENT ERA STYLE FILM, SCARPERS TOWARDS HIS CAR.

FADE

THE LEGEND OF BILLY LAMPOST.

TWO TEENAGERS, KEVIN AND PHILIP DISCUSSING THEIR FAVOURITE FOOTBALL TEAM.

KEVIN: My favourite player would be Simon Asbond. All-time record goal scorer for Ashton Town.

PHILIP: I think Andy Wood was brilliant and Sandy Tamling back in the day.

THEIR GRANDFATHER WALKS IN…

GRANDAD: Ooh aye lads, ooh aye.

KEV & PHIL: Hi Grandad.

G'DAD: I hear you're talkin' 'bout the football, lads and all those players are very good but you failed to mention the greatest player ever to play for Ashton Rovers and he only ever played in one final, Billy Lampost.

CUT TO SILENT MOVIE FOOTAGE OF BILLY RUNNING UP TO THE BALL AND PUTS HIS FOOT ON IT STANDING PROUDLY.

KEV & PHIL: Who?

G'DAD: I was thinking you'd say that. Billy Lampost played in the classic final of '25 against our fiercest rivals, Ashton Rovers. He scored 5 goals in our 6 – 5 win. He was a player ahead of his time…

CUT TO MOVIE OF BILLY LISTENING TO IPOD AND TEXTING ON HIS MOBILE.

…He was the fastest player I've e'er seen. He could run the 100 metres… whenever he wanted.

With 10 minutes to go in Cup Final Billy got punched in toe and had to hobble off.

CUT TO BILLY RUNNING WITH THE BALL AND DEFENDER PUNCHES BILLY IN THE TOE AS HE ATTEMPTS TO GO PAST HIM. BILLY FALLS TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS FOOT.

He had to go and see a medical team. The medical team were not so good (GRANDAD NOTICES HIS GRANDSONS ARE LOSING INTEREST AND STARTS TO BECOME A LITTLE MORE ANIMATED)

I said they were not so good lads! They put his leg in a sling lads (close to tears) his leg in a sling..

CLIP OF BILLY HOBBLING WITH STICK AND ONE LEG THE OTHER LEG IS IN A SLING.
He never played again…never played again.

(Injecting more life into his story) Oh he had his aspirations though. He had aspirations to build a farm as big as a barn, maybe even a farm on the barn. A two storey barn and one storey farm.

When he learned he'd never play again he took the news very hard. He started drinking heavily, mainly milk. On this particular night he stumbled out of creamery at half 3 in the morning and just ran…. He was never seen again.

CUT TO BILLY STUMBLING OUT OF CREAMERY WITH A GLASS OF MILK IN HIS HAND. THEN SPRINTING OFF INTO THE DARKNESS.

Some people say he ran under a bus, others say he ran over a bus and others say he ran onto it and ended up living out his days bog snorkling out in some foreign land… Cancun maybe.

Another theory is, that he did'nt.

Some say he ran for 5 days straight. Ran to the ends of the earth and fell off the horizon.

Others say his followed his dream, bought a few cows and built his farm with his own two feet.

One things for sure lads. Whatever they say about Billy Lampost. He was a heck of a footballer, could run like the wind and he was one milky bastard! Ooh aye.

END.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A member of the Village People having a poo.

Sign: Sergeant's Mess.

Comp's over, let's vote till midnight Thurs!

Nice efforts from Frankie Rage and Mannikin Bird, but the Blobster shades it.

Nigel Kelly.
I just like the idea.

they were all very good, but I vote Blobster too.
Loved it.

The Blobster has it by a neck. Or by the neck!

Nice one!