Here's my Stand-up

Here's what I have so far as a set for my stand-up routine. These are just the core jokes and not really in any order yet, but I see myself as a Jimmy Carr type stand-up, so not really talking on one subject for very long and skipping about a lot. Anyway, let me know what you think.

Cheers

Have you ever seen that advert for dogs trust? They have that motto "We never put a healthy dog down". Now that's only a good thing depending on what they class as healthy. If it sneezes do they go in with the bolt gun?

I used to hate going to the shops to buy sweets when I was a kid. Every time I would say to my mum "Mum, can I have 50p I want to get some refreshers" and she would say something like "50p! When I was a kid you could get as many sweets as you wanted for half a penny". I used to say "Mum, are you blaming me for inflation?". You've got to feel sorry for kids in Zimbabwe though. "Mum can I have 20 grand? I want a chomp"

I'm pretty sure identity theft wouldn't be such a big problem if people stopped telling hackers to get a life. "Get a life you sad bastard" "Fine, I'll have yours".

I hate it when my girlfriend says that food is orgasmic. It means that I haven't been able to give her what she gets from a packet of mini-cheddars.

I remember when a friend of mine told me he was going to tie the knot. If I'd have known it was a noose I would have said something.

I don't get what all the fuss is about when a soldier is killed in like Iraq or something. If you're a soldier you go to war for two reasons, to kill and to die. Much in the same way you go to the toilet for 2 reasons, to piss and to shit. You don't turn on the news though and hear "A man took a shit in Afghanistan today. A full inquiry has launched. His family have been informed"

Everybody is endorsing products these days aren't they. George Foreman with his grills "I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it". I saw the other day Ainsley Harriot chocolate cake bars. "I'm so proud of it, I put my colour on it"

I have a little puppy chihuahua called Milo and unfortunately he only has 1 testicle. When he lies on his back his genitals look like an exclamation mark. I like to think it makes him look like some kind of super hero, "The Punctuator".

Does anyone do that superstitious thing when you wake up on the first day of each month you say "white rabbits" for good luck? I used to do it because my girlfriend got her period around that time each month and they hit her pretty hard. She used to say "white bedsheets".

Anyone remember all that fuss in the news about a guy called James Ashley from Liverpool? He was a bloke who had police bust into his flat for one reason or another, and find him asleep naked in bed right, and they shot him because they thought he was pointing a gun at them under the covers. Sounds like a "is that a gun or are you happy to see me" situation.

I hate it when people say metal lyrics glorify violence. Lets look at some lyrics from a nice little song called "Babykiller". 'Red and wet I tear chunks from the pussy, Red and wet mangled unborn baby'. Not too pleasant eh? Unless you're an abortionist in which case its just work. But, keeping in mind glorify means to make something sound good, these people who say it glorifies violence must hear that and think "that sounds bloody good that does"

Oompa Loompas should be rappers. They make up all those songs on the spot and they are the shit. Imagine them in a rap battle. The your momma jokes would be great. "Your momma is so fat that she looks like she ate the blueberry sweetie" "Your momma is so fat that she is the mouth of the chocolate river" "Your momma is so fat that not even fizzy lifting drink can get her off her arse" "Oompa doompa dupety dale, your mums so fat she looks like a whale"

I remember the wittiest thing I have ever said. I was walking down the street and one of these nob head types pipes up as he goes past and says "Hey look at that pussy". So I turn to him and say "What makes you think I'm a pussy?" to which he replies "Because you've got long hair". I said "So long hair makes me a pussy? What kind of hairy pussies have you been dealing with? Sounds like your mum could do with a wax".

Why are there loads of products made just for women but like none for men. I saw an advert the other day for "Vagisil" this shower gel just for women. Why don't men get their own shower gel? It could be called "Gentleman's Wash"

I saw a pub before called "The Grapes". Why would you name your pub after hemorrhoids?

I saw a sign in the park which says "Dogs must be kept under control." A bit vague, because if I tell my dog to rip a little girls face off, technically it is under control because it's doing what I'm saying. Don't worry by the way, my dog is only a little chihuahua, so the kid can usually put up a decent fight. Apart from that one kid with crutches. I thought that she could use them as weapons but, well, let's put it this way, the gun was loaded but the trigger had polio.

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ October 6 2008, 7:07 PM BST

I used to hate going to the shops to buy sweets when I was a kid. Every time I would say to my mum "Mum, can I have 50p I want to get some refreshers" and she would say something like "50p! When I was a kid you could get as many sweets as you wanted for half a penny". I used to say "Mum, are you blaming me for inflation?". You've got to feel sorry for kids in Zimbabwe though. "Mum can I have 20 grand? I want a chomp"

View original

I thought that one was great. You should start or end with that. But, generally speaking, I found the shorter ones funnier than the longer jokes.

I agree with Flaner that the above joke is your strongest, very good. Can imagine Jimmy Carr saying the tying the knot joke, also liked the Punctuator gag.

Some good stuff here Chris SO when are you gonna perform it?

Thanks for the comments.

I doubt I'll get chance to try it out until next year but I'm going to keep my eyes open and see if an opportunity comes up to try it out.

Cheers

"Everybody is endorsing products these days aren't they. George Foreman with his grills "I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it". I saw the other day Ainsley Harriot chocolate cake bars. "I'm so proud of it, I put my colour on it"

Erm...

some decent material in there though. Best line "I have a little puppy chihuahua called Milo and unfortunately he only has 1 testicle. When he lies on his back his genitals look like an exclamation mark. I like to think it makes him look like some kind of super hero, "The Punctuator".

Yeah that one is a bit close for comfort. I was going to gauge reaction to it here. Even though it is just an observation, I know people like to apply the racist label to anything relating to colour.

Cheers for the feedback

Found a good deal of laughs in there, agree with the above comment on the Ainsley joke, get the impression it would fall a little flat, and possibly the bedsheet one too.

The short ones were very good, liked the hacker one. Also liked the change of tone and silly singing you could do with the Oompa Loompa stuff.

Well I did post the bedsheet one in it's own thread not too long ago and pretty much the same was said of it there so I think I'll retire that one now.

The Ainsley one will probably go as well before I ever get round to doing it properly.

I suppose it's good to prune before I take it to the stage. Deadheading is a good term actually.

Anyway, cheers for the comments.

I know little about stand-up but as a punter, here's my tuppence worth.

I agree with Rob0 on these:

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ October 6 2008, 7:07 PM BST

Everybody is endorsing products these days aren't they. George Foreman with his grills "I'm so proud of it, I put my name on it". I saw the other day Ainsley Harriot chocolate cake bars. "I'm so proud of it, I put my colour on it"

Does anyone do that superstitious thing when you wake up on the first day of each month you say "white rabbits" for good luck? I used to do it because my girlfriend got her period around that time each month and they hit her pretty hard. She used to say "white bedsheets".

View original

You want to keep the audience on your side and I think you'll lose a substantial proportion with these two and find it hard to get them back.

I'm afraid this one:

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ October 6 2008, 7:07 PM BST

Anyone remember all that fuss in the news about a guy called James Ashley from Liverpool?

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only begs the answer "no". You could reword it and make it snappier, though - we don't need to know the guy's name (or even if it's a true story)

And you are risking trouble by telling the audience in advance that this is you at your best:

Quote: Chris Forshaw @ October 6 2008, 7:07 PM BST

I remember the wittiest thing I have ever said.

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But there is some funny stuff in there as well!

Overall I'm not sure about the rhythm of the gags. Without hearing you perform them my impression is they aren't as punchy and succinct as they might be. Depends on how you want to tell them, though - you might have a more languid style that suits the material and vice versa, but impossible to tell without you trying it all out.

Well these are just the jokes and not really in any order, when it comes down to it I will reword them and make them more flowing.

Thanks for pointing out where I could do a bit of rewriting. I'll get right on it.

Cheers

The Ainsley joke needs to go, go for the fact he's probably a hommer.

Otherwise some good gags and nice observations, but how do you link them together?

That's the real deal.

Well, Jimmy Carr doesn't seem to have a "theme" linking it, just lots of quick gags.

Though suppose as you've already done somewhat, can use your dog to link together some bits

Yes but that's really hard.

A good narrative is a much easier way of doing a standup routine.

I think you have a good mind for comedy, to be honest though I found this material to be very immature, like a young comedian plying his trade in the school playground.

You're a good writer. This stuff is a great start, not the material itself but it does show you have an eye for observations and for making them funny.

If this is your style, that you'll continue to write in, then you'll remind me of Russell Howard, who has the mind of a cheeky schoolboy.

Agree with all the above. You've got some very good stuff in there, Chris.

With the Liverpudilan joke, I had a thought. You could add something like "micropenises get a bad name, but in his case, a two-incher might have made the difference between life and death" - though word it better.

In terms of pushing the limits of audience goodwill, I suggest lose the soldier in Iraq/Agfhanistan joke. I didn't find it all that funny, and can you imagine if someone in the crowd had known a deceased soldier? Still, it's up to you.

I like your style, man. Nice work.