Captain Birdseye

Landmark post time (2000), so I thought in the traditional way I would use it to post a sketch rather than a failed witticism that the rest of my posts are!

I quite like this one, but no-one seemed to when I posted it in one of the sketch comps, so figured the time is right for feedback (if you please).

Ta

Dan

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Captain Birdseye
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NEPTUNE SITS ON HIS THRONE IN HIS UNDERWATER CASTLE. NO-ONE IS TALKING. A FISH GUARD SWIMS THROUGH THE ENTRANCE OF A DOOR, STOPS, THEN SWIMS AROUND THE DOOR AND BACK THROUGH AGAIN.

A PANICKED GOLDFISH SWIMS IN THROUGH A FISH-SIZED GAP IN THE MAIN DOORS, EYES BULGING.

GOLDFISH:
Your Royal Wetness! Captain Birdseye is here to (STOPS SUDDENLY, LOOKS CONFUSED) Now, what was it agai—

THE FULL DOOR SMASHES OPEN, SQUASHING THE FISH. NEPTUNE DROPS HIS TRIDENT, ATTEMPTS TO CATCH IT AND IT CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Yar har, Neptune! You owe me rent!

NEPTUNE COWERS NERVOUSLY ON THE EDGE OF HIS CHAIR

NEPTUNE:
Captain Birdseye – I haven't got it!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Oh no? Always the same excuses. (MIMICS BADLY) "There's a worldwide cod shortage"!

NEPTUNE:
But there *is* a worldwide cod shortage!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
I'll have haddock then! Only the second best for the Captain's table!

NEPTUNE:
There's a haddock shortage too! There aren't any fish left!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
You must think I'm a mug, Neptune!

NEPTUNE:
Look, (GULPS) you've used it all up. Since you won the oceans off me in Zeus's ill-advised poker game, you derestricted my stringent rationing and regrowth policy for the gain of your frozen food empire! Now, I'm not saying capitalism is such a bad thing, but… there's nothing left to give!

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
(CONSIDERS) So, what have you got to offer?

NEPTUNE:
All that's left. (BEAT) The krill.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Krill?! Krill!??! That's just plankton! I can't freeze that!

NEPTUNE:
(GULPS) Sure you can. Call it…. Call it ‘Healthy Living Cod' on the packet. No-one'll know the difference.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
You disappoint me, Neptune. We're gonna have to cook something special up for you. Grab him, boys!

THE HENCHMEN, BOTH OF WHOM ARE IDENTICAL CLONES OF THE ‘NEW, YOUNG' CAPTAIN BIRDSEYE DESCEND UPON NEPTUNE AND GRAB HIM IN THE ENSUING STRUGGLE.

CAP'N BIRDSEYE:
Okay Neptune, your choice: a battering or a breadcrumbing?

END

Liked this a lot, Dan. The premise is brilliant. I can see why people might not take it all that seriously though - it's animation or bust, isn't it?

Cheers David. Yeah, it would have to be animation (or CGI, if you see what I mean...)

Dan

Good stuff Dan. One quibble - Neptune is the Roman name and Zeus the Greek for those gods (Jupiter = Roman Zeus; Poseidon = Greek Neptune). But that may be deliberate. It's very enjoyable.

Like this (you had me at the goldfish), but there is a big lump of exposition that could maybe made more palatable if broken up and gagged up. I found the Zeus reference a bit jarring - why not keep it nautical and have the poker game hosted by Davy Jones?

D'uh -- yeah, should have spotted that (Wrote in a rush, but that's not excuse!) Cheers Tommy. I like Timbo's idea though -- that'll probably work a lot better, as it's a better anyway!

Cheers for the feedback/advice guys! Much appreciated.

Dan

liked this one. love neptune as a wimpy god. it'd be funnier, for me, attempting as live action. could easily add an 'underwater' effect over the live action. create a few bubbles, some paper fish on string etc.