Stand Up Mk 2

Does this flow better? Also more importantly does it make sense? It runs at about 4 minutes.

Before Edit: https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/9513

Hi guys. Sorry if I'm a bit late. My Grandfathers funeral was today, so you know, nearly didn't make it.

Thinking about it I seem to be surrounded by death lately. I don't mean I'm the grim reaper or anything; it's just that my grandfather's dog died last week and then he died shortly after. I like to think that he died of a broken heart, you know after his beloved dog died. But I suppose in reality it was probably when they both got pulled under that bus that did it, but what can I say? I'm a romantic at heart. I can just see him now. Stood at the side of the road, watching the bus roll over the dogs head, feeling the pull of the lead tighten as the wheels pull him under, and in that spilt second he thinks "I couldn't live without that dog anyway", and welcomes death with open arms. Though eyewitnesses did say that his final words were "oh, you stupid f**king dog". Which kind of taints it for me really.

It's a shame though. He took that dog everywhere. The family bought the dog for him after my Nan died, so he wouldn't get lonely. He named the dog Gladys, after my late Grandmother. He even insisted we call her Nana. Which took a bit of getting used, but once they gave the dog a blue rinse and forced it to wear horned rimmed glasses it only seemed natural.

It did cause a bit of a stir with the neighbours at first. Especially the ones in number 43. They'd been on holiday when my Grandmother had died. They knew she was ill, but when they got back and heard the Grandkids shouting from the kitchen "Grandad, Nana's pee'd on the floor again" and my Grandfather reply "Well rub her bloody nose in it then, and throw her in the garden. She has to bloody learn." Social services were around in no time. It worked out ok. Once they realised that Nana was no longer a frail 90 year old women, but had been reincarnated as a 6 week old toy poodle, they saw the funny side.

Like I said, my Grandfather became very attached to Nana the dog. To him it was like my Nan was still alive. And to us to I suppose. I remember going round one Sunday afternoon for lunch. My Grandfather had come home from the pub drunk and in a foul mood. Nana just give him one of her patented looks that said "oh Roger you are a fool, but I do love you", and carried on making the dinner. And they say poodles are supposed to be stupid. Not my Nana. She could cook a roast with the best of them. A bit heavy handed with the salt in my opinion, but top notch besides that. However on this particular day my Grandfather found fault with everything. He stomped around the house shouting things like "Why is this house not as clean as it used to be?" "Why don't you darn my socks anymore?" "Why don't you enjoy anal sex like you used to?". Petty things. But Nana just got on with it, she knew that he loved her.

They did however have to stop my grandfather from sending nana to pick us up from school. The teachers said it wasn't safe, even if nana was wearing a high vis vest. Looking back now, they probably had a point, you know. Perhaps a toy poodle isn't the best person to walk a 6 and a 4 year old home along a 2 mile stretch of busy road, but it was exciting for us kids. Except when a Jack Russell mounted nana from behind. They were locked like that for hours. He was relentless. No wonder my Grandfather always looked knackered when we went round, if that's what he had to put up with every night. I mean the stamina in Nana was unbelievable! She couldn't get enough that Jack Russell.

Hi Wayne, I'm no expert on stand-up, only done it a couple of times, but it seems to me your intro

Hi guys. Sorry if I'm a bit late. My Grandfathers funeral was today, so you know, nearly didn't make it.

Thinking about it I seem to be surrounded by death lately. I don't mean I'm the grim reaper or anything; it's just that my grandfather's dog died last week and then he died shortly after. I like to think that he died of a broken heart, you know after his beloved dog died. But I suppose in reality it was probably when they both got pulled under that bus that did it

is way too long. You need to be getting a strong joke out as the very first thing you say (OK maybe after "hello"), and maybe every other line from then onwards. "Start and finish on your two best jokes" is one of the main rules of stand-up. As far as I can see the first big laugh in your routine is "...when they both got pulled under that bus". That's a good 30 seconds wait, the way I read it, and nearly ten "lines" (if you count a sentence with a semicolon or a long sentence split by a comma as two lines, which they effectively are, performance-wise). Audiences won't wait that long for you. I've just been to see the gong show at the Comedy Store this week, and acts were booed off for much shorter intros than that. It's good subject material, but you need to get gags in much earlier, unless you're a terrific performer who can hold an audience's attention just by the quality of your vocal or physical performance while waiting for the gags.

Griff's right about starting with a good laugh. I think you need to tie your lateness in with the death of your grandad in a joke somehow e.g

"My Grandfathers funeral was today, so you know, nearly didn't make it. However, unlike the drugs my Grandfather needed, I did turn up."

That's a bit of a clumsy example, but then I'm no standup expert.

In fairness there's nothing quite like the Gong show for sheer intolerant, meanness.

You've got some good gags, but Griff's right it does feel a bit long.

Also you don't seem to be using any degree of surprise, which doesn't really help.

But you've got some top ideas, and a strong narrative in my view.

True, the Gong show is a horrible environment, and a really terrible place to watch comedy. Not all audiences are as intolerant as that by any means. But people do switch off unless you serve those jokes up sharpish.

You have about 10 seconds to catch the audience. You need a killer first gag, back in my sorrowful days of standup I always had half a dozen opener gags.

Kind of a mini beginning-middle-end 20 second piece.

Of course after you've got their attention, you have to hold it up.

Sometimes a really well told Monkhouse stylee gag can be the killer.

The first line would only work for me if say you were wearing something bright and out there, then you could add "I proberly should have got changed to come here"

Only a idea as if you are going to get out there and perform believe me you don't want to wait too long for your first laugh.

I still think it needs more editing and you need to lose the repetition change dog to beloved pet for example or else after hearing dog twenty times I might be brainwashed to go and buy one after the show.
Repetition doesn't work in stand up
Repetition doesn't work in stand up

(sorry)

But good material fella and with more editing this works.

Thanks guys. I shall get to work on the opening. I've never done anything like this before, so all critism is welcomed.

Cheers

Sometimes a really well told Monkhouse stylee gag can be the killer.

If I ever wrote a single gag that could be described as "Bob Monkhouse style" I would be thrilled.

I've never done anything like this before, so all critism is welcomed.

Are you writing to a deadline on this, ie are you booked up for a gig?

Bob Monkhouse style gag is all about intense practice, sometimes with a mirror. Writing it right and memorising it.

Watch Ronnie Corbett as well.

He bites.

Quote: wayne lewis @ October 1 2008, 4:21 PM BST

Hi guys. Sorry if I'm a bit late. My Grandfathers funeral was today, so you know, nearly didn't make it.

Thinking about it I seem to be surrounded by death lately. I don't mean I'm the grim reaper or anything; it's just that my grandfather's dog died last week and then he died shortly after. I like to think that he died of a broken heart, you know after his beloved dog died. But I suppose in reality it was probably when they both got pulled under that bus that did it, but what can I say? I'm a romantic at heart. I can just see him now. Stood at the side of the road, watching the bus roll over the dogs head, feeling the pull of the lead tighten as the wheels pull him under, and in that spilt second he thinks "I couldn't live without that dog anyway", and welcomes death with open arms. Though eyewitnesses did say that his final words were "oh, you stupid f**king dog". Which kind of taints it for me really.

View original

Bearing in mind what others have said, I've edited the above to give an example on how it all might be 'pruned':

Is everybody happy? .... I've just been to my Grandad's funeral.
His dog died last week and then he died soon after - of a broken heart. Mind you, it was probably when they both got pulled under that bus that did it. But what can I say? I'm a romantic at heart. I can see Grandad now, watching the bus roll over the dogs head, feeling the pull of the lead tighten, thinking, "I can't live without that dog ", and lets himself get pulled under the wheels as well. Although, apparentley, his final words were - "stupid f**king dog". Which kind of taints it for me really.

Thanks for the hints and tips guys. The encouragement helps as well. There is no deadline with this. Just something I thought I would have a go at.

Morrace: Thanks for the "pruning". I see how it would help in terms of cutting out the shit but still keeping the overall essence. So thanks for that.

I'm currently working on a MK 3 of this so I might put that up here at some point. As long as no one minds reading it all again, but this time it should be tighter and hopefully flow better.

Quote: Morrace @ October 1 2008, 6:02 PM BST

Bearing in mind what others have said, I've edited the above to give an example on how it all might be 'pruned':

Is everybody happy? .... I've just been to my Grandad's funeral.
His dog died last week and then he died soon after - of a broken heart. Mind you, it was probably when they both got pulled under that bus that did it. But what can I say? I'm a romantic at heart. I can see Grandad now, watching the bus roll over the dogs head, feeling the pull of the lead tighten, thinking, "I can't live without that dog ", and lets himself get pulled under the wheels as well. Although, apparentley, his final words were - "stupid f**king dog". Which kind of taints it for me really.

View original

This is a good edit, I think. You could maybe even prune this a bit further. As the people who've performed live have said already, there's no time to dawdle when you're up there. Grab them by the particulars right off the bat.