Well If You Ask Me

INT. - OFFICE - DAY

BOB is sat at his desk typing away at his computer.

BOB
(while typing)
.....and-I-look-forward-to-hearing-from-you-in-in-the-near-future, signed me... blah, blah and a final bloody blah! Right, that's that done then, DAVE, I’m just going outside for a smoke mate, can you get my phone if anyone calls?

DAVE
Yeah course, no problem

EXT - OUTSIDE OFFICE DOORWAY - DAY

Bob puts cigarette in mouth and as he’s lighting up, spies a gorgeous blonde lovingly strolling hand in hand with her boyfriend.

BOB
(to the boyfriend)
Yeah lovely, I’d giver 'er one if I were you pal!

The final shot is a wide angle view of Bob in the doorway of the Citizens Advice Bureau!

This has left me totally bamboozled. I read it several times and I still don't get it.

edit - No hang on, is it that he is "giving advice" to the bloke when he says I'd give her one? If so, I don't think it works. And if not, it definitely doesn't work.

Yeah that's it Badge, the joke is that Bob works at the Citizens Advice Bureau but this isn't revealed until he says the "I'd give her one line" and then the camera shot shows him smoking outside his office/CAB and that's his advice to the boyfriend.

I like to think it works but maybe I'm just easily amused.

Ima - I think this does work but might work even better if Bob's line to the boyfriend was something like "If you want my advice mate - take her home right now and give her a good seeing to!" (or something along those lines but to have the word 'advice' in there). Then immediately after you have the wide angled shot. I don't think it will give it away and you wouldn't even be given enough time as the viewer to try and work it out anyway as it the very next thing to happen.
Anyway, that's just MY 'advice' - feel free to ignore it. Nice sketch though mate.
Andy

Hi ima

I know what Badge means; I get it but it feels like the whole premise is wrong. I think it'd work better if the couple were coming *in* to the Citizen's Advice Bureau for whatever reason, and Bob gives him that advice and everyone else there agrees, even the woman receptionist, adding 'you'll never bat as high as that again, mate' or something and maybe even shouting 'and get some new jeans!' as he leaves.

It feels like you've come up with a joke in your head, thought it could be a sketch and written it down in the same way you thought of it. I think you need to think and exaggerate a bit more as to how funny can I make it in a short space of time, using a bit more exaggeration.

If you get my gist.

Hope this is useful (it's meant as encouragement!)

Dan

"BOB
(to boyfriend)"

I had to re-read it. But it's that line that left me confused. But once I got it I thought it was good and has loads of potential for any number of punchlines.

I may steal this one...

I agree with Andy, just need to clarify it a bit, he gives the boyfriends his smutty advice and then after they do the deed he gets an invoice through the post charging him for the advice

Why don't you have the boyfriend get real advice from a 'Citizen Advice Bureau' booth on something like marriage. Then he goes to another booth and is given the last line. The camera zooms out and reveals 'Sleazy Advice Bureau.'

Again plenty of helpful pointers and views that I find useful and appreciate. Maybe on previous sketches it seemed like I wrote too much so this one was edited right down, so now it's just a case of finding a happy medium.

I can see in my mind's eye how I feel things should look but might not always get it down in print as easily. I find that to be the case with me anyway and would probably be better at telling the sketches rather than writing them.

I had another idea from an old one that came back to me yesterday involving a particular word that sounds the same but has two different meanings and spellings and will be a nightmare for me to do it in the written form as opposed to visually, but I'll give it a go soon and then put it up.

Visually you can just show the difference and it makes it so much easier.

Chav Advice Bureau

sorted

^ No definitely dont do that. It's an easy get out clause and the word 'Chav' isn't even funny.

I like this sketch, the premise is funny, just needs a little tweeking here and there.