This bloke needs a writing partner

INT. DAY. OFFICE.

AN ASPIRING COMEDY WRITER (X) IS MEETING A SCRIPT ADVISOR. (Y)

Y: I received your sketch..

X: Oh, yes. What did you think of it?

Y: The dialogue was clunky.

X: But surely you would have found a bit of merit in it.

Y: The characterization was hopelessly unrealistic.

X: Bah, humbug.

Y: There was zero conflict.

X: It was about world war 3, come on.

Y: And your punchline is too obvious.

X: You cannot be serious.

Y: There was, however, one redeeming feature about your sketch?

X: What was it?

Y: Escalation, it got progressively worse.

"Escalation, it got progressively worse" is a fantastic line. It would even work (and maybe better) without the long list of complaints leading up to it.

It's very good and a topper punchline.

But you could make the first two examples a bit sillier.

Excellent bit of stuff.

(Just change the 'you cannot be serious' line, IMHO).

I think this had great potential, however needs triming as 3 lines don't really add anything -
1.But surely you found merit
2.Bah humbug
3.You cannot be serious

If you had a punchline like the no conflict/but its based on world war 3 for every line it would be a tight and amusing piece.

I also like the ending, very good!

I disagree with Daddy Maz about the line "bah, humbug", I thought that was funny. However, trimming would make it "punchier" as the pros say.

Y. The dialogue was clunky.

X. But they're robots..

I'd maybe change 'You cannot be serious' too.

How about, 'Oh, you could see the belly-dancer coming?'

Fx

Anyways, just miner niggles, Niggel old bean! Nice one!

Nigel, another good piece. I got the earlier retorts to the editor although I think some commentors maybe didn't. You could really emphasise the clunky dialogue retort to make it preposterously clunky.

Like Frankie's belly dancer variation.

Glad I read this, Nigel. Agree with SlagA - the subtle early lines work well and add a whole new dimension of idiocy. Don't think you should change them.

[quote name="Frankie Rage" post="274017" date="September 28 2008, 12:08 PM BST"]

How about, 'Oh, you could see the belly-dancer coming?'

Isn't that a lap dancer?

I agree with Griff that your escalation line is brilliant. Not sure it's being employed right in this sketch though. The line is so good that everything leading up to it just seems like filler. Daddy Maz correctly identifies three lines that should each be replaced with a joke.

I liked that escalation line too.

The actual escalation of the sketch isn't strong enough though.

The latter comments are worthy of note Nige, I think with work your sketch could go from being good to great!

Thanks all, this was just me fooling around as per usual.