3 SAILORS IN A ROW BOAT ON A SEA.
CAPTAIN
Dashed shame the boat sinking how are we doing for supplies, first mate Tucker?
PETE
Why bother we're doomed, abandoned on a flotsam of broken wood. To await thirst, madness, then canibalism.
TUCKER
We've got enough water, bully beef and hard tack to last 3 months.
CAPTAIN
That should be fine.
PETE
But what about the lack of women, the weeks alone in a boat driven to..
CAPTAIN
I'll have you know me and Tucker are homosexuals.
TUCKER
And you haven't had a shag since we left Plymouth 6 months ago.
CAPTAIN
So what ever you want to do on your watch is your business, just over the side there's a good chap.
TUCKER
Captain bad news.
HE HOLDS UP A DRIPPING COPY OF THE TIMES OF LONDON.
CAPTAIN
Dear God know is any of it salvageable?
TUCKER
Only letters and those adverts for surgical stockings.
CAPTAIN PUTS A GUN TO HIS HEAD.
PETE
What the hell?
CAPTAIN
With out a newspaper we'll have nothing to talk about, boredom is the sailors worst enemy.
TUCKER
I heard the Marie Celeste crew commited suicide, because of a two week conversation about cheese.
CAPTAIN
Bored to madness.
PETE
But we could talk about the government and...
TUCKER
An Englishman never discusses sex, politics and religion.
PETE
But you just told me your gay!
TUCKER
You chippy little bastard, that was salient to our survival, I'll bloody chin you.
CAPTAIN
Hold on Tucker, this horses arse could save us all. Pete can you manage to be a whiny, know it all for the next 3 months, we might just live through this.
PETE
Ok captain I'll try, what I do now I do for England.
VO
So Pete sustained the survivors with a constant, low level whine about petty complaints and smart arsery. Till they reached port in the Caribean.
Pete was granted a 100 guineas as reward for his efforts, and told to bloody shut up by Queen Victoria.
Pete was to use that money to found a newspaper that to this day still bares his name and personality.
This was the story of Pete Daily Mail, sailor, icconaclast, arse hole
