Wonderful Headlines

For anyone who "digs" the absurd, few things beat reading a purportedly serious headline written by a genuine journalist which contains an element of unadulterated comic genius. There are numerous examples out there, and I thought those interested could share the true masterpieces in this thread. Often, those relating to nasty topics are funniest, so don't hold back.

To kick off, a couple of today's headline smilers from my neck of the woods:
"Man killed grandma, went to party": http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=635227&rss=yes

"We'll block gigantic money: Turnbull" http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=634833&_cobr=optus

"Boys who made up kidnap to be dealt with": http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=634851&_cobr=optus

And:
"Tree falls on vacant lot": the lead story from a local newspaper a couple of years ago, and a slice of genius which can never be forgotten.

Old favourite from the Bandage files:

WPC finds ecstasy in man's trousers

From the Harz Kurier:

"Einen Lichtblick für Blinde schaffen" - "Providing a glimmer of light for the blind"

Little know story of when Mr.T almost turned Paul McCartney into a eunuch:

'Crackers Baracas cuts off Maccas Knackers'

Went Inverness Caledonian Thistle beat Celtic in the Scottish Cup a few years back:
'Super Cally Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious'

Dan

Oh no; Titty's opened the floodgates re. bogus headlines. If this thread were interesting or viable, that would be very mildly concerning.

Though 'twas quite a good headline

Another old Bandage favourite.

A week or so before Christmas one year, a pair of chimps escaped from Southport zoo. One was captured but the other made it to Southport pier, where it carried out a reign of terror. All the people on the pier raced indoors, including a party of pensioners, who barricaded themselves in a cafe.

Terrified, the pensioners attempted to raise their spirits, while they were waiting for men with tranquiliser guns, by singing Christmas carols:

King Kong Merrily On High
(C) Graham Bandage, December 1995

When John Savident (who played Fred Elliott in Coronation St) was attacked by a couple of homophobes outside a bar a couple of Christmasses ago:

Genuine headline was:

'I've been stabbed, I say. I've been stabbed'

After an MP stormed out of a closed parliamentary session, a journo made a famous typo (missed by the editor too, it seems):

"Transport minister leaves closet, session in acrimony"

WALL ST. LAYS AN EGG - Variety on Black Monday (1929)

STICKS NIX HICK PIX - Variety writing that rural moviegoers preferred urbane films (1935)

DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN - The Chicago Tribune reporting the wrong election winner (1948)

FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD - New York Daily News reporting the denial of a federal bailout (1975)

SICK TRANSIT'S GLORIOUS MONDAY - New York Daily News reporting a state transit bailout (1980)[1]

GOTCHA! - The UK Sun on the sinking of the Belgrano during the Falklands War (1981)

HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR - New York Post on a local murder (1983)

HICKS NIX KNICKS IN SIX - New York Daily News on an NBA Conference Finals win by Indiana Pacers (2000)

GREAT SATAN SITS DOWN WITH THE AXIS OF EVIL - The UK The Times on US-Iran talks (2007)[2]

SUPER CALEY GO BALLISTIC CELTIC ARE ATROCIOUS - Sun on Inverness Caledonian Thistle beating Celtic in the Scottish Cup [3]

FREDDIE STARR ATE MY HAMSTER - Sun on Lea La Salle's claim that the comedian had eaten her pet in a sandwich. Max Clifford later admitted that the story was a fabrication.

ICE CREAM MAN HAS ASSETS FROZEN - BBC News: An ice cream salesman has his assets frozen for suspectedly smuggling tobacco[4]

Brilliant, Nigel.

The Sun had some good ones during the Falklands, including "Stick it up your Junta!"

Thanks Tommy, but I just copied them from Wikipedia.

The Inverness Caledonian Thistle was preceded many years before by the Liverpool Echo headline about a match in which Liverpool star Ian Callaghan played a blinder against Queens Park Rangers:

Super Cally goes ballistic, QPR atrocious.