OK I'm supposed to be writing a sketch tonight and I can't be arsed to research the one I was planning to write.
It's for a two-hander, one male, one female.
So can people please shout out at random:
- Who is the male character?
- Who is the female character?
- What is their setting?
- What are they trying to do?
- And what is stopping them?
Ideally five random answers from five random people would be great.
I thank you.
Adam Eve putting the apple back on the tree, they don't have a stepladder.
Hitler Eva Braun commit suicide, it's Himmler's birthday and he's hidden all the guns as part of a scavenger hunt.
King Kong, Fay Ray want a shag the pharmacist has a small cock and is a racist and so won't sell them any johnnies
Pacman, Pacwoman, they want to buy a flat but Qubert is their hopeless estate agent.
The Lion and the Witch want to set up a power sharing agreement, annoying kids keep trying to convert them to Christianity.
Calamity Jane, and Billy the Kid want to set up a Wild West Tuck shop, but General Custer insistes on having a tragic massacre there.
Skippy the Bush Kangaroo and Gentle Ben want to replace Richard and Judy, but Channel 4 insists they copresent with Flipper who's an egomaniacal coke head.
No settings, but I think they're all quite self explanatory.
Can't you just shout out "hairdresser", "estate agent" etc like a normal improv audience?
I wish I hadn't done this now.
Oh what's wrong with them?
Captain Scott and Emelia Ehart, they want to eat, she has the last of the bully beef in her pants and doesn't want to reveal she's a woman.
Setting the North pole.
Shakespeare and Germaine Greer presenting a talk show on contemporary satire. Problem she's read all his books, he hasn't read any of hers.
Setting Radio4.
Ninja and Dalek want to get married in a chippy, problem is she's a Jewish Dalek?
Ant&Dec want to visit a Zoo with Kerry Katona, problem is she owes one of the lions £5,000
settinng a Subway sandwich store.
Could you tell me if you're going to use any of those?
I've been slacking off on the writing and it'd be fun to see if I could get them all written up by dawn.
And do half of them as silent sketches.
- Who is the male character?
A salesman
- Who is the female character?
A female body-builder
- What is their setting?
On a flight together
- What are they trying to do?
On their way to Peru. He's trying to sell products to her.
- And what is stopping them?
The plane is delayed. Or his products contain over 100ml of fluid. Guess that's your job 
Sooty - no I'm not going to use any of them, you go ahead. The people I am writing for are unlikely to want sketches about Pacman or Daleks or King Kong or Aslan etc as they do not specialise in the sci-fi convention audience and will be expecting more traditional sketch characters SUCH AS HUMANS.
Rob0 your suggestions were much closer to the mark. However what I was really hoping is that lots of people would shout out lots of individual ingredients from which a new magic could be synthesised rather than people suggesting completed scenarios. However that is my fault as I did not make that clear.
I'm going back to my original idea now. It involves crackheads. Anybody knows any hilarious facts about crack dens etc feel free to yell 'em out.
Aren't all the cool kids on methamphetamine these days?
It ruins the gums, creates explosive gases, and can be made by anyone with a bunsen burner and house hold chemicals.
Crack, meth, heroin, special K, anything that you might go to a "crack den" to get hold of from "a dealer" will do for the purposes of my sketch. Come on BSGers dish the crack factoids.
Well heroin, amphetamine and cocaine all have a crystalised version that's far more potent. Both crystallised ampthetamine and heroin are called ice, but cocaine is always called crack.
Aparently if you heat methadone jsut right you can separate out the active ingredient for a stronger rush.
It's a myth amongst addicts that smoking heroin is less addictive.
The US army gave an elephant a lethal dose of amphetamines in the 60s for no good reason.
Super hot chillis, and excessive water consumption can force the body to produce sufficent endorphines to have a drug like effect.
In Amsterdam you can be fined for having tobacco in your joints in coffee shops.
Columbian drug cartels now smuggle narcotics by home made submarine.
US soldiers are routinely issued stop and go pills (benzodiazepam and amphetmaines) to enable them to sleep or stay alert at will.
Trepining aparently allows you to drill a hole in your skull to stay stoned for ever.
OK here's my scenario. (I'm off to bed now). It's based on a true story, which I know is usually the death knell of comedy, but still -
A friend of a friend recently went to a crack den to smoke heroin or crack or something. Really. This was in California. And when he got there, and produced his crack pipe, he was roundly mocked by all the crackheads for having a rubbish crack pipe, the wrong kind of lighter, everything. "What the f**k, we're all here to smoke crack" he protested. "I don't care," said the crackheads, "we've got standards."
So what kind of standards would crackheads uphold, with which they would mock a newbie?
PS Trepanning is always comedy gold. Good reminder.
Well in my experience;
They're very hardworking, at what ever it takes to get enough to keep their habits going.
They view heroin users as boring, artsy fartsy types.
It's always ok to offer sexual favors to any one of any gender, provided it's to get more crack. Not doing so is a sign of being a real snob. Having sex for fun is wierd.
They're very untidy, and find the obsessive tidiness of meth heads hilarios.
You can take care of your kids! Ok maybe you didn't feed them for a week, and sold one. But social workers ain't gonna take my baby.
- Who is the male character?
She was a black, gay, disabled lavatory attendant before the Op.
- Who is the female character?
He was a black-belt, karate-expert, rugby-playing bacon-slicer engineer before the accident.
- What is their setting?
They meet at LIDL in the 'household' aisle.
- What are they trying to do?
Shop.
- And what is stopping them?
A fire-breathing, axe-wielding dwarf from the nether regions of the planet Sloppp.