Parsons & Naylor: Week Three

Had to write all these in two hours, so I apologise for the crap within!

Dan

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PARSONS AND NAYLOR’S PULL-OUT SECTIONS

THE OSCARS

A reject from American Idol has won an Oscar Best Supporting Actress. It's nice to see a Reality TV contestant making waves in the Film world, rather than the Race Relations world.

Helen Mirren won for The Queen and Forest Whittaker for his portrayal as Idi Amin in 'The Last King of Scotland'. King and Queen.Can you imagine what a King and Queen they'd make? Just think: the Queen married to a crazy racist intent on offending other cultures and possible genocide...

Martin Scorcese finally gets an Oscar for the The Departed. It's the first time in 26 years he's not malevolently responded 'You looking at me?' when approached and, lo and behold, they gave him one.

TRAIN CRASH IN CUMBRIA

A twelve-man mountain rescue team were sent out to search for someone with concussion who apparently may have wandered off in the dark and dangerous Cumbrian countryside.

F/XUELLING BANJOS STARTS.

(DEEP SOUTH ACCENT) Squeal like a pig boy!

The train that crashed was a new 'tilting' train which gently rocks from side to side at high speed. Who'd have thought? Virgin Trains 'swing both ways'.

CARLING CUP FINAL

Chelsea won the first trophy of the season, in a game which saw Theo Walcott scored his first Arsenal goal. When interviewed about it, he said that the goals were much bigger than the inflatable ones in his back garden, and that Jens Lehmann was not as good as goalie as his dad.

Three players were sent off in a mass brawl deep into injury time. It seems they have misunderstood the concept of injury time altogether.

People missed most of the Carling Cup Final as train delays caused trains to take 3 hours to get from Bristol to Cardiff. Arsenal fans offered cups of tea by train staff were especially pleased as they were the last cups they'd see that afternoon.

The delays were indirectly blamed on the Cumbrian points failure. Arsenal and Chelsea fans seemed to take this with unusually good grace, until everyone realised that both teams have been used to points failures since the beginning of the season.

DEMENTIA

Scientists predict that 1.7million people will have dementia by 2051. This is good news for E4, who plan to show a single episode of 'Friends' on a constant loop by the same date.

MOBILE PHONES

You can now receive a £60 fine and three points on your licence for using your mobile phone whilst driving. With the addition of hidden speed cameras in cat's eyes, the police are stating that motoring offences will be down to zero by 2009. This is true as there will be no-one left on the road as everybody is banned, and all road users will be trying to trade in their points at service station forecourts, mistaking their value as similar to tiger tokens.

END

Dementia is good, the rest are questionable, then again I can't speak I dare not put mine up! I'd be laughed at... not in the good way.

Dementia gag is very good mate. Fair play to you for submitting.

Paul, I bet your material is very good too. Let's read it.

WJFK, trust me I wouldn't bother it's very poor, I only sent it cause there is a possible chance for heavy editing (which I doubt they would bother with as well).

Well I sent mine up. There's a short selection I've posted but I'm not hopeful. Still, you've got to be in it to win it.

Hi, well done for asking for feedback on these. They're promising. To improve them,, ask yourself, would your gags make YOU laugh (or just smile or go 'aaah')? Keep going - I think that kind of satirical gag is really hard.

Can't agree more especially when you have a deadline I find it harder to tweak them in time therefore creating poor jokes... enough to make you smile but possibly not enough to be aired.

Always difficult to come up with very deep belly laughs on a very tight deadline but I guess that is the nature of the business at times especially with this stuff. Once again Dan, you have come up with some good gags - again the highlight being the dementia one. Good work, Andy.

'Three players were sent off in a mass brawl deep into injury time. It seems they have misunderstood the concept of injury time altogether.'

I do like that one!

As for the dementia, I think it's good and I know exactly what you mean about E4 and Friends (See also BBC Three and Two Pints) but if I had written it, I would be desperately hoping that they consider it as a well enough known observation in terms of the awareness of their audience.