The Sound Guys - sitcom

Hi all. This is the first couple of scenes of a sitcom I've had sitting around for a while. It's set in a small recording studio and I'd appreciate any and all comments from anyone willing to give it a read.

Many thanks in advance,

Bo.

SCENE 1
INT. ALICE'S OFFICE – DAY 1

ALICE'S OFFICE IS MODESTLY FURNISHED WITH A DESK AND CHAIRS. THERE ARE VARIOUS PICTURES OF SINGER DANIEL O'DONNELL ON ONE WALL AND THERE ARE POT PLANTS DOTTED AROUND.

STUDIO MANAGER ALICE (56), A WELL PRESERVED DIVORCEE, IS GIVING HER POT PLANTS THEIR MORNING WATERING.

MALCOLM (41), THE STUDIO'S SENIOR SOUND ENGINEER, ENTERS. HIS GREYING HAIR IS TIED BACK IN A PONYTAIL AND HE IS CLAD IN FLUORESCENT CYCLING GEAR.

MALCOLM
Morning Alice. Watering the plants, eh?

ALICE
Morning, Malcolm. Yes, just giving my babies their breakfast.

MALCOLM
Not a bad life for the old plants, I suppose. Having someone feed you, someone to move you around, someone to wipe you down… while you just sit there.... vegetating. (Beat) Actually that sounds fairly tragic...

ALICE
Was there something I could do for you, Malcolm?

MALCOLM HANDS ALICE AN ENVELOPE.

MALCOLM
Can I pop this into your in-box?

ALICE
What is it?

MALCOLM
An expenses claim, I'm afraid. I'd have waited ‘til the end of the month only Tracy told me… Tracy suggested I get the money before next week.

ALICE
What's happening next week?

MALCOLM
Our tenth wedding anniversary.

ALICE
Congratulations

MALCOLM
Yes, ten… blissful years. I've planned us a little holiday. Kind of like a second honeymoon.

ALICE
Aww, how lovely. Where are you whisking her off to? Paris? Rome?

MALCOLM
North Wales. Camping. She said I should surprise her so…

ALICE
That should do the trick. Unfortunately petty cash won't cover this amount, Malcolm. You'll have to get a cheque from Jon.

ALICE HANDS THE ENVELOPE BACK TO MALCOLM.

MALCOLM
Ah, yes I suspected that. Thing is he's such a difficult man to pin down these days.

ALICE
That's my son for you - mercurial. Oh, how are you getting on with the new chap…Ronnie? You know his three-month trial period is almost up and we'll need to make a decision soon.

MALCOLM
Fine. Yeah, Ronnie knows his stuff except…

ALICE
Yes?

MALCOLM
He just seems a little… immature. He's always going on about, you know… S… E… X.

ALICE
You can say the word, Malcolm. I've taken my hysteria pills for this morning.

MALCOLM STARTS TO TAKE OFF HIS CYCLE CLIPS AND JACKET.

MALCOLM
It's a little wearing – what he'd like to do, who he'd like to do it to, which household appliances would be involved… I like a bit of bawdy talk as much as the next man but there is a limit.

ALICE TURNS TO WATER THE REST OF HER PLANTS.

ALICE
He's still a young lad. I'm sure you were just the same when you were his age.

MALCOLM
Actually, I was more interested in science fiction. I remember at one sci-fi convention a girl streaked during a Q and A session with the Star Trek cast. It was my first glimpse of naked female flesh but I was more concerned I wouldn't get to ask about the dilithium crystals. And poor Mr. Sulu… he didn't know where to look.

ALICE
It was comics with my Jon. He had great stacks of them. He grew out of it eventually but for while I was worried he would end up one of these sad middle-aged men who still watch kid's TV and wear…

ALICE TURNS BACK TO SEE MALCOLM SPORTING A DOCTOR WHO T-SHIRT

ALICE (CONT'D)
…anyway have a think about Ronnie's situation.

CUT TO -

SCENE 2
INT. MIXING BOOTH – DAY 1

THE MIXING BOOTH IS A SMALL ROOM SEPARATED OFF THE MAIN STUDIO BY A LARGE WINDOW. THE BOOTH IS DOMINATED BY A LARGE MIXING DESK, WHICH IS FESTOONED WITH DOZENS OF SLIDERS AND BUTTONS.

RONNIE (20), THE JUNIOR SOUND ENGINEER, SITS ENGROSSED AT A COMPUTER SCREEN. RONNIE LOOKS VERY "STREET".

WE HEAR GRUNTS AND GROANS EMANATING FROM SOMEWHERE.

RONNIE
Oh… you… filthmonger. You're a naughty girl, what are you? A naughty, nasty…

MALCOLM ENTERS.

MALCOLM
Morning... Oh, what is that? Ronnie, it's not even ten o'clock yet and you're watching rude movies. Can you turn it off please?

RONNIE
Malc, you know who this is don't you?

MALCOLM
I don't care who it is? That kind of thing is for evenings, late afternoons at a push but in the A.M. ... please, it's unsettling my Coco-Pops.

RONNIE
Look! It's that Sarah Bindle.

MALCOLM
Which Sarah Bindle?

RONNIE
The nurse. You must have read about her in the papers - she got herself filmed while shagging the guy from the Mr. Magic oven cleaner ads? This is the video. It's all over the Internet.

MALCOLM
Sex? On the Internet? Well done to her, a hard nut to crack that one but it hardly merits a breakfast viewing so…

RONNIE
You do know she's coming in this afternoon?

MALCOLM
In here? Unhappy with a few of her grunts and groans is she? Doing some overdubs?

RONNIE
She's recording vocals for a single.

MALCOLM
Films and now music - straddling the mediums like a colossus.

RONNIE TURNS TO THE COMPUTER SCREEN.

RONNIE
(Chuckles) That's not all she's straddling.

MALCOLM
You know, I really don't understand why anyone would want to film themselves doing that. It just smacks of desperation… not helped by the shaky camera work of course.

RONNIE
Yeah, it's bad isn't it? I use a tripod myself.

MALCOLM
Anyway off with that now, please... we've got Danny Carter from Carter's Carpet Warehouse in this morning to record some new radio ads.

RONNIE TURNS OFF THE VIDEO.

RONNIE
Oh, not again. He totally does my box in - him and his wacky voices. (Imitates Danny Carter) Hey there, I'm Sammy Shag Pile. At only four ninety-nine a square yard I'm the carpet that's hard to beat!

MALCOLM
It's his money, Ronnie, he can advertise his business how he likes. And it's regular clients like Danny Carter that keep us in a job so at least try and be civil.

DANNY CARTER POKES HIS HEAD AROUND THE DOOR.

DANNY CARTER
Alright, fellas? The old ears were burning there.

RONNIE ROLLS HIS EYES.

MALCOLM
Oh, alright Danny. We were just... how's business?

DANNY CARTER
In the rudest of health thank you very much, sir. Shifted considerable square yardage last month so, you know… the ads must be working. (Laughs) Got a few new characters to try out this week which I think you'll find rather amusing.

RONNIE
(Mutters) Unlikely.

MALCOLM
Alright, Danny. Well, I think we're ready when you are so if you want to go through... you know where you're going don't you?

DANNY CARTER
I should do. I'm in here often enough. Like the proverbial bad penny, eh?

RONNIE
(Mutters) Or the proverbial sad twat!

DANNY CARTER
What was that?

RONNIE
I said…

MALCOLM
(Interrupting) A cough. Just Ronnie coughing. He has a sore throat… or at least he will have if he doesn't behave. I'll just see you through, Danny. I need to adjust some... bits

MALCOLM USHERS DANNY CARTER THROUGH TO THE STUDIO AND AS HE LEAVES HE GLARES AT RONNIE.

End of scene

raised a smile & a chuckle here n' there

but not really my thing in terms of style, so a wee bit unfair to comment in a way

dunno, kinda visualised Malcolm wearing a funny wig and glasses, n' saying are you avin a laugh! is he avin a laugh!

or maybe thats just me!

This has your usual polish, the characters come across strongly in the dialogue, and you seem to be setting up plot strands. My criticism would be that the laugh rate is not quite high enough for a sitcom. For instance:

ALICE
That should do the trick. Unfortunately petty cash won't cover this amount, Malcolm. You'll have to get a cheque from Jon.

ALICE HANDS THE ENVELOPE BACK TO MALCOLM.

MALCOLM
Ah, yes I suspected that. Thing is he's such a difficult man to pin down these days.

ALICE
That's my son for you - mercurial.

This is exposition - neatly done and it would be fine in a comedy drama, but in a sitcom it is dead space. This is probably the most offending example, but there are other places where you have settled for the smile, when you should really have gone for the laugh - for instance at the end of the second scene you could have got a laugh if Malcolm had been more graphic about how Ronnie would be acquiring his sore throat.

But there is plenty to work with here, and I am interested to see how you develop this.

Many thanks guys. You've confirmed my suspicion that it is a bit light on the laughter front - probly not a good thing for a supposed comedy. That's something I can definitely work on.

Cheers,

Bo.

I managed to read this all the way through and that rarely happens with sitcom extracts on here.

Timbo pretty much summed it all up, but I can add the following - some lines seemed a bit over long. This one for example:

ALICE
He's still a young lad. I'm sure you were just the same when you were his age.

Could be just as effective as:

ALICE
I'm sure you were the same when you were his age.

Again here:

RONNIE
Yeah, it's bad isn't it? I use a tripod myself.

could be:

RONNIE
I use a tripod myself.

Time is precious in a sitcom. Every second counts, so it's best to get the point across as slickly as you can.

Overall, a good start.

Thanks Winterlight. Good points well made, sir.

Bo.

I rather like this and it's got some top features, consistent characters, off stage characters, runner jokes and jokes that come from character and situation.

Good stuff I certainly want to see what happens next.

Thanks Sootyj, much appreciated.

As you know loved it when I read it originally, love it still.

It reads very well and dialogue flows - very easy to picture. Interested to see where you take it.

Thanks guys. Danny, if only everyone had your discerning taste...

Bo.

Not often I read longer stuff but nae bad at all and you've heard of Daniel O'Donnell too. Respect.

Cheers Nigel. I know many "women-of-certain-age" for whom the only thing that causes palpitations are a medical ailment, a full house at the bingo or the thought of that twinkle-eyed Irish crooner, O'Donnell.

I really like this. Nice set-up of characters which helps when reading the script. One of the best starts of a sitcom I've seen on here for a long time. I look forward to more episodes.

Many thanks, Morrace. Much appreciated.

Bo.