Bryansaurus Rex-The Adventures of...

Here's the opening extract of my animated comedy show-Bryansaurus Rex. It follows the adventures of Bryan, an all-american rollerskating T-Rex who works for the NYPD. Other characters include Luke his flatmate who's a caterpillar. Ryan the desk sergent who is a tortiose and Hector who is a Hare and boss of the NYPD.

This script is currently being viewed by Babycow and Angeleye production...tell us what you think

ALL COPYRIGHT BELONGS TO ME,AS DOES ALL YOUR BASE.

EPISODE ONE-‘ORIGINS'

SCENE 1-EST.NEW YORK GHETTO
(ZOOM TO AN OAK TREE ON A RUNDOWN HOUSING PROJECT INSIDE IS A LARGE TREE HOUSE)
INT. TREEHOUSE-BRYAN AND LUKE ARE HAVING BREAKFAST
BRYAN
What a great American morning Luke
LUKE
Yes Bryan what time have you to be at the station?
BRYAN
Straight after breakfast my good friend, there are crimes to be solved, danger to be eyeballed, peril to be narrowly avoided...
LUKE
Here's your breakfast
BRYAN
Mega! Broccoli and peas! My favourite nutrients
LUKE
Just how you like it!
(BRYAN CONSUMES HIS BREAKFAST INSTANTLY)
BRYAN
Delicious!
LUKE
I heard of some more crimes on the estate this morning Bryan, some black youths destroyed the local youth centre.
BRYAN
Good! Now they will have no place to organise!
LUKE
Bryan...you understand crime, why is it the young black people who commit the crimes around here. You don't see rich white people from the suburbs with lots opportunities stealing cars
BRYAN
I know. It's a pity Luke I just don't understand it. I suppose the only advice I can offer is try not to be black.
(BRYAN TURNS TO THE CAMERA)
And that applies to you too kids!
LUKE
Who are you talking to?
BRYAN
The youth! The future! The Great American Dream!
LUKE
Oh I see
BRYAN
What will you do today Luke? Will you surf the tidal wave of life? Will you breathe the exhilarating joy of an entire city? Hahaha Life is great! Nothing can go wrong!
LUKE
I was just going to go to the library. Come home and eat some leaves
BRYAN
Sample the Great American wilderness eh?
LUKE
Well no this is imported... (Interrupted)
BRYAN
Great!
LUKE
Do you want to get the bus with me to work?
BRYAN
No, No...I will roller skate like usual...now where are my skates?

LUKE
There drying outside
(BRYAN LOOKS IN THE MIRROR)
BRYAN
I'm sorry Luke I was too busy looking at myself in the mirror and your voice is too dull to concentrate on...where are my? Oh yes!
(BRYAN REACHES OUTSIDE AND GRABS HIS ROLLERSKATES)
BRYAN
Wish me luck then Luke! I must embark once again to foil the evil machinations of the villains of this City perhaps even the Kingpin McDoogle himself!
(BRYAN BEGINS TO FIT HIS ROLLER SKATES)
LUKE
Well of course Bryan...Enjoy wo-
(BRYAN ZOOMS OUT OF THE TREE HOUSE)
...rk
SCENE 2-EXT. NEW YORK STREETS
BRYAN GLIDES ACROSS THE NEW YORK CITY STREETS ON HIS ROLLERSKATES, ACCOMPANIED BY GENERIC CHEESY GUITAR MUSIC
(BRYAN NOTICES A PIECE OF LITTER FALL FROM SOMEONE'S POCKET)
BRYAN
My lord, an infringement! This cannot stand! You can't outrun the claw of the law!
(BRYAN GRABS THE MISBEHAVING CITIZEN)
You there! Why do you commit such heinous acts?
CITIZEN
What acts? That was a long time ago! It wasn't my semen!
BRYAN
You're crime, young vagabond!
CITIZEN
I'm 73!

BRYAN
Still it stands...you did wittingly and knowingly soil the lovely American face of New York
(A MONTAGE OF THE AMERICAN FLAG APPEARS BEHIND BRYAN, HE PLACES HIS CLAW ON HIS HEART AS A BRIEF SECTION OF THE STARS AND STRIPES PLAYS)
CITIZEN
Listen son I fought in the war for the likes of Tyrannosaurus Rex like you, and this is the gratitude I get!
BRYAN
It was probably Vietnam! And you were probably a deserter who helped the Gooks! So you're a communist eh? And it's Mr Rex, or, unfortunately for you, Officer Bryan Rex! You're coming with me
CITZEN
In what exactly?
BRYAN
I will escort you on my roller-skates
CITIZEN
I can't go on them! I have a rare heart condition where I cannot move faster than 10 miles per hour my bladder and pancreas explode
BRYAN
Heart condition?! Bladder?! Pancreas?!
(BRYAN OPENS A BOOK ENTITLED ‘THE OLDEST LINES AND EXCUSES VOL 57)
I'm afraid that's the wrong answer pops! I've heard that one a million times! I've got a heart condition they say... then they end up flying planes into your beloved landmarks!
(BRYAN LOOKS UP AND ANGRILY SHAKES HIS CLAW AT THE SKY)
I'll get you in the next life Youseff!
(BRYAN PICKS UP THE OLD MAN)
CITZEN
Noooooo!
BRYAN
You're going to the slammer!
(BRYAN CONTINUES TO SKATE AND THE HEAVY GENERIC GUITAR MUSIC CONTINUES OVER THE GRADUAL FAILURE OF ALL OF THE MAN'S MAJOR ORGANS. AFTER A BREIF PERIOD IT SEEMS BRYAN IS SIMPLY CARRYING A LIMP CORPSE)
SCENE 3-INT. THE STATION
BRYAN
Hey Ryan deal with this guy will you...This will teach you to subvert the law!
RYAN
Sure thing Bryan!
(BRYAN LAYS THE CORPSE ALONG THE WAITING SEATS AT THE RECEPTION)
BRYAN
(TALKING TO THE CORPSE)
So how do you explain yourself now eh? Now you're in the clutches of the law? Staying silent eh?
(TURNING TO RYAN)
Ryan he's playing it D and D, if he pleads the 5th let me know, I'll come and have a little chat with this guy.
(TURNS BACK TO THE CORPSE)
You're tongue will soon start wagging when I've dealt with you, they call me bad cop bad cop round here, sometimes Bad Cop squared... although mainly it's just Bryan
RYAN
Bryan, Hector wants to see you in his office he says its urgent
BRYAN
Sure thing Ryan, say... I heard your wife bought you a new revolver?
RYAN
Sure did Bryan
(RYAN BRANDISHES REVOLVER)
Ain't she purty?
BRYAN
Wow...that sure looks like a great implement for the propulsion of bullets into the bodies of your enemies. American I hope?
RYAN
Sure is Bryan...makes you proud don't it? But those ‘squares' at the DA's office told me I'd have to register it. They said it was a ‘dangerous weapon'
BRYAN
They make my blood boil...remember Ryan you've got to stand up for your right.
(A SHORT EXCERPT OF BOB MARLEY ‘GET UP.STAND UP.' PLAYS, BRYAN PRODUCES A SMALL GUITAR AND PROCEEDS TO PLAY ALONG WITH THE REGGAE UPSTROKES WHILST WEARING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES, THEN HE CALMLY PUTS BOTH THE GLASSES AND GUITAR ‘AWAY'-BY PLACING THEM IN THE VOID BEHIND HIS BACK)
(RYAN SIGHS)
RYAN
You might as well have it. I never get pass this desk...look at me...I'm a mess...
BRYAN
Have you ever thought about shell reduction? I hear Tina Tortoise Turner had it done
RYAN
Triple T is a sell out Bry... this shell is important to me, it's part of me ...it's worth the pun value alone, you know? ‘Hey Rye how much did you shell out for that'...'that's Michelle'
BRYAN
I must come round your house on those long winter nights
RYAN
Sometimes though it does gets me down...
BRYAN
That'll just be gravity, ignore that
RYAN
I mean emotionally and physically, I had dreams of being a gymnast or a sprinter Bry, I wanted to wear tight leotards and frolic around really making it big you know?
BRYAN
You already are big, look at you!
RYAN
No! I wanted to see my name in lights!
BRYAN
I'll bring round some sparklers! We'll need some gloves and bucket of water mind...
RYAN
Not in that sense Bry...I wanted to be the best ...I wanted to win gold medals
BRYAN
You won the inter-police department tug of war remember that? And the shot put and the sumo, all the sports which only hideously overweight people are good at, you were great at those
RYAN
My heart was never in it, look at me Bry. I'm overweight tortoise with an overactive hibernation pattern
BRYAN
Ryan you haven't got an overactive hibernation pattern
RYAN
You really think so?
BRYAN
No of course not...you're just lazy
(RYAN STARTS CRYING)
Oh Ryan...
(BRYAN PLACES HIS CLAW ON RYAN'S SHELL/SHOULDER, TRYING TO THINK OF SOME CONSOLING WORDS.A BRIEF SILENCE ENSUES WHILST BRYAN PONDERS)
BRYAN
Think of it this way...its a lot worse in Iraq, eh?
(BRYAN PLAYFULLY PUNCHES RYAN)
Eh?
RYAN
I guess you're right
BRYAN
Now, Hector and I will require some coffee in his office stat

RYAN
Cwoffeee? (Strong New York Accent)
BRYAN
Yes. Coffee
RYAN
Oh I thought you said orange soda. But two Cwofeees?
BRYAN
Yes.
RYAN
Coming right up Bryan
SCENE 4.INT HECTOR'S OFFICE
(HECTOR IS FACING OUT OF HIS WINDOW OBVIOUSLY IN DEEP THOUGHT, BRYAN ENTERS)
BRYAN
You asked to see me boss
HECTOR
Disturbing news Bryan
BRYAN
I thought you'd had that seen to
HECTOR
What do you mean? Oh that. I got the tablets. I'm afraid it's far worse than my rectal infection Bryan.
BRYAN
Surely not?
HECTOR
McDoogle is back on the move, this morning he bought every toothpaste company in the state, and then used the profits to buy a chocolate factory on the West Side of town.
BRYAN
Although that doesn't make economic sense, I wonder... Just what is he up to? Where is the connection?
(HECTOR TURNS TO FACE BRYAN)
HECTOR
Have a seat Bryan
BRYAN
Are you not...?
(HECTOR SHAKES HIS HEAD, BRYAN TAKES HIS SEAT)
HECTOR
We need to get into that chocolate factory and find out what's going on
BRYAN
But you know that I hate chocolate...I can't stand to be around the stuff...its nutritional value deems it unworthy of my attention. You have a duty to keep me safe Hector
(HECTOR SLAMS HIS PAW ON THE DESK)
HECTOR
AND YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO THE PEOPLE OF THIS CITY!
BRYAN
I'm sorry Chief. I just really hate chocolate.
(HECTOR BEGINS PACING)
HECTOR
I understand. Getting in the factory will be the hard part. Mcdoogle's henchman Ronnie and Reggie will be guarding the entrance. Something fishy is going on here
BRYAN
Hmm...What are you up to Mcdoogle?
HECTOR
What was that?
BRYAN
Sorry I was just asking myself a rhetorical question
HECTOR
Then it isn't rhetorical
BRYAN
Are you sure?
HECTOR
Well were you going to answer yourself?
BRYAN
Hmmm. Just what is he up to Hector?
(RYAN IS SHOWN AND IT IS CLEAR THAT HE HAS BEEN LISTENING IN ON BRYAN AN HECTOR'S CONVERSATION FROM THE BEGINNING, HE BRINGS IN THE COFFEE)
RYAN
Here are your coffee guys
HECTOR
I wanted a cup of orange soda
RYAN
It is an orange soda
(WHERE PREVIOUSLY THERE HAD BEEN TWO COFFEES THERE IS NOW ONE COFFEE AND ONE ORANGE SODA)
HECTOR
Oh yes. I apologize I have a rectal infection. The doctors had to go in via my retina. Thank you, Ryan. Now Bryan how will we penetrate McDoogle's inner ring?
BRYAN
It's a tricky one...
(RYAN IS LISTENING IN AND SMILES TO HIMSELF WHILST LEAVING, RUBBING HIS REVOLVER)
HECTOR
Is that your new revolver Ryan?
RYAN
Yes
HECTOR
Very nice

RYAN
(SINISTER)
Oh yes...very nice indeed...
HECTOR
Yeah that's what I said
RYAN
Just where is McDoogle's base?
HECTOR
New Jersey
RYAN
(STRONG NEW YORK ACCENT)New Joywsey?
HECTOR
Yes. New Jersey, why do you ask?
RYAN
No reason...just...curious
FADE
SCENE 5.INT MCDOOGLE'S CHOCOLATE FACTORY
MCDOOGLE AND DR DIPOLODOCUS ARE STOOD AMONGST VAST FOUNTAINS OF CHOCOLATE
MCDOOGLE
Hahaha! Are you sure this will work Dr?
Dr. DIPOLODOCUS
You need not fear
MCDOOGLE
Good! hahaha! So just how good will this chocolate taste?
DR DIPOLODOCUS
Try it for yourself
(MCDOOGLE TRYS THE CHOCOLATE FROM ONE OF THE MANY FOUNTAINS)
MCDOOGLE
Wow. It feels like there's a party in my mouth and everyone has been invited.
DR DIPOLODOCUS
They all say that. If I lost a brain cell for every time someone said that I'd be a mad scientist
MCDOOGLE
But you are a mad scientist
DR DIPOLODOCUS
Exactly
MCDOOGLE
Errm...yes...ok....anyway....soon I will flood the streets with this McDoogle chocolate fudge tunnels...then slowly cut off the toothpaste supplies and there's nothing anyone can do about it!
DR DIPLODOCUS
We will be rich!
MCDOOGLE
With your brown ring chocolate purification system and my evil genius the world is ours!
DR DIPLODOCUS
Even Bryanaurus Rex will struggle to completely foil our infoilable plan.
MCDOOGLE
Bloody hell, you had to go and say that. Remember what happened last time you said that? And its infallible not infoilable
DR DIPOLODOCUS
Sorry

TO BE CONTINUED

Hello Electric Cornflakes,

I don't really know what to make of this script. There are some good lines and ideas, but the format, setting and characters confuse me. Animation has worked in the past, e.g. Simpsons, Bromwell High etc., but the use of dinosaurs and gimmicky animals immediately makes it less accessible to most of your adult audience. And why have you picked NYC? Of course, a lot of films and television programmes have been set there, but would a mature UK audience really want to watch politically incorrect, American-accented, animated creatures engaged in corny, spoofy plots in the Big Apple? Sure, it's zany, but I personally don't find it funny enough. Doubtless others will think differently though.

There are some good moments, like the coffee/orange juice/retina thing, but they are few and far between. Couple of other things: I don't think that opening black joke would go down to well with an audience, and regardless of your intention most will tune out (doubt a production company would go near it either); also, T-Rex was a carnivour - why's Bryan eating vegetables?

If you're going to be deliberately corny, make sure to let the audience in on it. To be corny and funny is very hard. Here, the script seems targetted at one audience and the format at another, in a way that will alienate both. Sorry to be critical, and as I said, you've clearly got some good ideas ready to be expressed; just feel this isn't the best way to achieve that. And wait to see what the more experienced members say before you change anything.

Tommy thanks for the critique...here's my two cents.

I can see what you mean about the animals making it less accessible to an audience...personally i don't write with an audience in mind I just go with a gut instinct of what i thinks funny..horses for courses and all that. I don't think the fact that thier animals is a biggie, it its funny people will watch.

'Would a mature uk audience really want to watch a politcally incorrect, american accented, animated creatures engage in a corny spoofy plots in the big apple?'

Since when was the UK audience mature, these are the same audiences that love the sillyness of Bottom and the surrealness of the Mighty Boosh.
2)Politically incorrectness is funny when done right- Ricky Gervais founded a lot of his career on being politically incorrect. That fella from your very own Aussie show 'Summer Heights High' blacks up as Polynesian kid for christ sake.
3) American accented-what's the problem there?
4) Engage in 'corny spoof plots in the Big Apple'- I refer you to the corny spoof plots of Police Squad!,Austin Powers,Naked Gun and to a lesser extent South Park and Simpsons.

'Sure, it's zany, but I personally don't find it funny enough. Doubtless others will think differently though.'-hopefully you're right, this is the first quasi-negative feedback ive had. But this is what i put it on here for, all the pats on the back in the world are'nt gona make it better.

bryan eats vegetables because he promotes healthy eating- a bit like when Hulk Hogan used to tell kids to eat their greens and take their vitamins.

'If you're going to be deliberately corny, make sure to let the audience in on it. To be corny and funny is very hard. Here, the script seems targetted at one audience and the format at another, in a way that will alienate both.'

Tommy could you expand on that? how do you mean let the audience in on the cornyness? any techniques to achieve this?

please remeber this is only the opening extract

E.C.,

As I said, I'm merely expressing an opinion; I'm sure other people will have radically different views. I do think that the cartoon character menagerie is a bit gimmicky. It's been done successfully, sure, but there's just something here that seems not-quite-right about it. Are all the characters animals? If so, why would they discuss black youths? And re. the black joke, it comes across as callous rather than sardonic.

(1) I think you misunderstand what I mean by maturity - I simply mean adult. This is not a kids' show. Shows like The Boosh are ultra-imaginitive and dadaistic; the style of your piece reads very differently.
(2) I'm not part of the PC brigade by any means, but I think transgression needs to be funny. If we have no idea of the transgressor's character, we can't appreciate that their statement may be tongue-in-cheek. The Office and SHH both established those boundaries, and they again operated along radically different lines - different format, tempo, style, setting etc.
(3) Just don't know why it's set in NYC. Remember the adage that one should write what one knows.
(4) The number of corny spoofs in NYC you're able to identify highlights the problem. If it's already overdone, using cartoon dinosaurs won't sufficiently spice it up (to my mind).

If nobody has given you negative feedback, that tends to suggest I'm in a minority - good news for you. Hopefully some experienced writers will comment, as I'm sure their feedback will be more useful to you. I don't know, the corny yet funny thing is hard to do. A lot of shows have tried to do it, but have ended up appearing plain corny. You've got to work out how your vision is best expressed. Re. this being an opening extract: the opening extract is probably the most important part of your series. This is what production companies are basing their judgments on.

Don't worry; a couple of weeks ago I sent the first draft of my first sitcom script to a properly experienced writer on this forum. Everyone else has really loved it, but he did not. Based on his advice, though, I've come up with a much clearer idea of what makes a good script. It's all a learning process. As they say, "nobody writes a good script first time".

I'm afraid I actually found this hard to read, the hard to identify characters, and large amounts of dialogue without direction make it hard to concentrate.

It feels abit aimless, and there's not enough good quality gags to make up for that.

Also the retina-rectum gag could be funny, but it feels like randomly deposited rudery at the moment.