Sketch Comp 17-24.9.8

Congrats on a great set of sketches! Sorry for being a tart and congrats to... FRANKIE RAGE for walkin' it! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Frankie Rage
2 - 5 - Timbo
2 - 5 - Tommy Power
1 - 1 - Stu R (NEWBIE!!!)
1 - 1 - Me
1 - 1 - Otterfox
1 - 1 - Eggie (NEWBIE!!!)

Special mention: Chris Forshaw, Graham!
Your new subject: ADVERT

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 24 Sep.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

98 - Frankie WINNIN' AGAIN!!!
93 - Fred Peters
82 - Charley Rance
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
54 - Michael Monkhouse
50 - Chris Forshaw
46 - Otterfox
37 - Nigel Kelly
35 - Timbo
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
16 - Leevil
16 - Swerytd
15 - James Harris
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
10 - Afinkawan
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - garyd
06 - Hellboy
05 - Wayne Lewis
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Eggie
01 - Stu R
01 - Jake How
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

This is a spoof on the cancer treatment ad

MAN
I shouldn't be here

BOY
I shouldn't be here

YOUNG WOMAN
I shouldn't be here

GRANDAD WITH BABY
We shouldn't be here

WOMAN
My mother shouldn't be here.

V.O
The population explosion is your baby.......Use a f**king-condom

(Radio sketch)

=============
HELL-PLAN01
=============

INT. DAY. COMMERCIAL.

GRAMS:‘CONSOLIDATE YOUR LOANS' ADVERT MUSIC

SATAN:
Hello, I'm Satan. Don't you find that you hate the feeling of all those little mistakes in your past? Are you still paying for that minor indiscretion from many years ago? A past affair? Shop-lifting? Grand Theft Auto? (BEAT) Hate how those feelings of guilt years later? New lapses on top making it impossible to repent? (BEAT) Well, now you can! And it's simple!

With HellPlan-01 you can now consolidate all your little sins into one convenient large sin!

Don't worry about all those minor transgressions from the past: scrumping, mass fraud, not attending church. Replace all that remorse with a single, very reasonable repayment of your soul each and every month!

(SUDDENLY SERIOUS) Marie was a common prostitute and resorted to petty misdeeds to fund her crack addiction…

MARIE:
(SOMBRE) I was constantly feeling remorseful and regretful for giving blowjobs to dirty old men in alleys and parked cars. I stole money from old ladies at the hospital and stabbed my pimp in the throat with a PlayStation controller. (PAUSE – THEN HAPPY) Now, with a single contribution to the side of evil per month, I feel guilt-free! *Regardless* of how much cock I suck!

SATAN:
And don't worry if you have a low sinning-check rating as you can still apply!

THOMAS:
(VERY SERIOUS) As a good Catholic who'd never committed any misdeeds whatsoever, my guilt was still getting the better of me and taking up all my time every month. (PAUSE, THEN HAPPY) With HellPlan-01, I am guilt-free each month, only having to pay back one monthly horrifically violent sexually-motivated murder in return! It's *so* simple!

SATAN:
So, if guilt is getting the better of *you*…

ALL BAR SATAN:
REMEMBER!

SATAN:
… if your minor indiscretions are pulling you down…

ALL BAR SATAN:
REMEMBER!

SATAN:
… or, if you've never done anything bad in your whole life…

ALL BAR SATAN:
REMEMBER!

SATAN:
—anyway! HellPlan-01! For a guilt-free life!

VOICEOVER:
(QUICKLY) HellPlan-01 is based on a "No-Sin, No-Fee" basis. Soul value can go up as well as down. You may not get back all you put in.

END

Dan

One-liner...

"My insurance company keeps trying to sell me potatoes...

...I'm confused dot com."

MANAGER 1: It's time we started thinking outside the box. We need a helicopter view to get the bigger picture on our new business focus.

MANAGER 2: OK team, I'm now going to open up the floor for a freeform ideas shower on how we can re-align our core processes.

GRAMSOOTHING MUSIC UNTIL THE END OF THE ADVERT

VOICE OVER: It's tragic, isn't it – that in this day and age people are still forced to work in appalling and inhumane conditions like this? Here at Manageraid we want to help end their torment. A donation of just £3 a month can help buy one of these managers a second hand GCSE English textbook or supply 5 pairs of earplugs for their staff who are subjected to this drivel every day. £3 could buy a manager an occasional pint down the pub where they can see how real people talk.

MANAGER 3: mumblemumble (FADE IN) calendarise the timeline for launching our new behaviours and values rollout (FADE OUT) mumblemumble.

VOICE OVER: All we ask is a donation of just £3 a month. Please – help end this horror.

Quote: Mikey J @ September 17 2008, 11:05 AM BST

One-liner...

"My insurance company is trying to sell me potatoes...

...I'm confused dot com."

View original

INT. DAY. STUDIO.

BILL: Hi, I'm Bill Board and if you want an advert you've come to the right place.

A MIDGET ON A SPACEHOPPER BOUNCES IN FRONT OF BILL.

BILL: We don't want that.

BILL KICKS THE SPACEHOPPER AND MIDGET OUT OF SHOT.

BILL: Why don't we want it? Simple, it's a distraction. The key to a successful advert is.

BILL POINTS TWO FINGERS INTO HIS EYES.

BILL: Focus. I use a four letter term to describe it. ADHD.

VOICE: (O.O.V.) It's AIDA Bill.

BILL: That's right, attention, interest, desire, action. Give that man a signed photo of me for paying attention. Lets go through each of those individually on a one to one basis.

BILL: Attention. What does the word attention mean to you?

BILL SHOUTS LOUDLY

BILL: Attention!

BILL: Now, you should be standing up in front of your TV screen with your arms by your side. I've got your attention and you are putty in my hands, we're ready to move on to.

BILL: Interest. You're probably thinking how does Bill intend to hold our interest when making an advert about adverts. Well I'm glad you asked that. Ok, what's next?

VOICE: (O.O.V.) It's Desire Bill.

BILL: Yes it most certainly is desire. What does the customer desire?

THE MIDGET ON THE SPACEHOPPER BOUNCES IN FRONT OF BILL AGAIN. THE MIDGET GETS OFF AND APPROACHES BILL.

MIDGET: I know what they desire from an advert Bill?

BILL: Action

THE MIDGET HEADBUTTS BILL IN THE BALLS.

ENDS.

CLOSING CREDITS

BILL BOARD'S BALLS WERE NOT HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS ADVERT.

Tranquil Sounds CD Advert.

Finally, the relaxation you deserve in your very own home with this double cd set. Experience a babbling brook in your kitchen or a summer meadow in your living room, providing a relaxing backdrop to soothing tones. Tranquil Sounds is not available in shops or even by credit card, In fact; you cannot buy it at all. This is just an ad to brag that I have it... and you don't.

END.

GO ON LAD
INT DAY, A BAKERY IN VICTORIAN BRITAIN
A YOUNG BOY TAKES A LOAF OF BREAD FROM A RED-FACED MAN
SFX: MELODIC ARPEGGIO PIANO MUSIC.

Man:
Go on, lad, you want some then?
THE MAN CHASES THE BOY, WAVING HIS FISTS. HE RUNS AWAY, HOLDING THE LOAF, THROUGH STREETS FILLED WITH CACKLING WHORES AND SOZZLED TOP-HATTED GENTLEMEN.

CUT TO THE BOY BUMPING INTO A COUPLE OF 1920S-STYLE FLAPPER GIRLS DOING THE CHARLESTON. ONE OF THE GIRLS VOMITS AS SHE DANCES, TWO MEN WHO GO TO HELP HER END UP FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. THE BOY STEERS HIS PRECIOUS LOAF AWAY.

CUT TO A JUBILANT CROWD WAVING FLAGS, BUNTING AND BANNERS SAYING, ‘V.E. DAY' EVERYWHERE. A WOMAN STAGGERS UP TO THE BOY.

Woman:
Go on lad, have a feel of these, it's ok, I've had a bath this week.

AS HER HEAVING CLEAVAGE ADVANCES, FADE TO BLACK. COME UP ON A PASSING 1960S FORD ZEPHYR FULL OF CHEERING ENGLAND FANS IN 60S CLOTHING. SFX, MORE PERCUSSIVE, ROCK SOUNDTRACK. THE CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT. ON FAN HURLS A BRICK THROUGH A WINDOW, ANOTHER MOONS OUT OF THE WINDOW. THEY RUN OFF SHOUTING AND DOING NAZI SALUTES. AND THE BOY SWERVES UP AN ALLEYWAY.

CUT TO AN ANGRY MOB MARCHING UP THE ROAD DRINKING BOTTLES OF THUDERBIRD. THEY SHOUT, ‘MAGGIE MAGGIE MAGGIE – OUT OUT OUT!' AS A FIRE ENGINE COMES UP THE ROAD, ONE OF THEM HURLS A BRICK AT IT. THE BOY FOLLOWS THE TRAJECTORY OF THE BRICK.
AS THE BRICK LANDS, THE BOY IS IN AN ALLEYWAY. ON ONE SIDE SOME MEN ARE STAGGERING INTO ‘SOPHISTICATS' – A LAP DANCING BAR. AS THE BOY LOOKS THE OTHER WAY, STILL HOLDING HIS LOAF, A COUPLE CAN BE SEEN HAVING SEX AGAINST A WALL.
SFX FASTER, MORE POWERFUL MUSIC.

THE BOY RUNS INTO HIS TERRACED HOUSE AND PLACES THE LOAF ON THE TABLE.

Voice of his mother:
Is that you home love?

Boy:
Yeah!

MUM APPEARS HOLDING A LARGE GLASS OF WINE. HERE'S A TENNER: DO US A FAVOUR WILL YA, PISS OFF FOR AN HOUR WHILE ME AND YER UNCLE TERRY ‘AVE A BEVVY?

THE BOY TAKES THE MONEY AND RUNS, LEAVING THE LOAF BEHIND.

V/O: BRITAIN – AS PISSED TODAY AS WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN.

INT. OFFICE
Man is collating

VOICEOVER: Is your job dull?

Man nods

VOICEOVER: Is it duller than eight consecutive A-level maths exams?

Man nods

VOICEOVER: Duller than a lecture on the importance of proper butter distribution on toast by a man with the voice of a scanner?

Man nods

VOICEOVER: Duller than a dinner date with Sophia Coppola?!

Man nods enthusiastically

VOICEOVER: F**k me! That's dull...

MAN: So... who are you exactly? Am I in a commercial?

VOICEOVER: Um.. no. I'm God.

MAN: Oh...

VOICEOVER: Mmn...

MAN: Have I been... chosen for something?

VOICEOVER: No, no... Just feeling a bit lonely. Thought I'd...uh... hang out here for a bit.

MAN: Oh okay...

Man goes back to his collating. The voiceover starts humming.

MAN: Um...

VOICEOVER: What?

MAN: Uhhh Is it...

VOICEOVER: Did you want me to...

MAN: Yeah, it's a little... off-putting. I've got lots of collating to do...

VOICEOVER: Oh right...

MAN: I'll go for a drink with you after, alright?

VOICEOVER: Okay, um. Cool, I'll be there. Well, I'll be everywhere, I'm omnipresent.

MAN: Alright, good. Just...

VOICEOVER: Okay, yeah... I'll leave you to it...

The man listens around, God's gone.
Ganesh walks on with a cup of coffee.

MAN: Aw, Ganesh man. You just missed the most AWKWARD encounter.

INT. CORNER SHOP - DAY

A typical corner shop. The assistant is stood behind the counter and two men are stood at the counter.

MAN1
Pack of cigarettes

The assistant takes a pack from the wall behind and hands them to man1. He pays and man1 and man2 begin to leave the shop.

MAN1
(Looking at the packet whilst walking)
Tut, these warnings were annoying at first but now they're just insulting

Cut to front of cigarette packet. There is a big white sticker on the front of it which says "You stupid f**king c**t".

hahahaha very good.

hahahahhahahahhahah @ Chris Forshaw's sketch.

Right here's mine. Let's vote till MIDNIGHT MONDAY!

TECHNICAL HITCH

An office.
MR and MRS SMITH sit opposite MR GRYCE.

MR SMYTH: Mr Gryce we're awfully worried about our marriage.

MR GRYCE: Don't worry, I'm a professional counsellor.

MRS SMYTH: It's the children... They don't talk to us. Or anyone. They spend all the time in front of the Internet.

MR SMYTH: And they won't communicate face-to-face. They're addicted to their mobiles…

MRS SMYTH: Then those games. We used to play hopscotch, they're addicted to Virtual-Sex-Fiend-in-Hell…

MR GRYCE: Don't panic. I have the answer… The new Virgin All-In-One.

MRS SMYTH: Yes! Pay one monthly fee for Internet, mobile and video…

MR SMYTH: The buggers'll be happy all day!

MRS SMYTH: And with the money we save I can get that lovely new perm I always wanted!

MR SMYTH: While I get rat-arsed down the pub! Thanks Mr Gryce!

MR GRYCE: (to audience) Marriage counselling for the new millennium. 'Cause you're breaking up too.

Afinkawan.