INT. DAY. OFFICE.
A JOURNALIST (DAVID) IS INTERVIEWING A MAN (CLARENCE).
DAVID: The City of London, the heart of the world's financial markets. But unbeknown to many there lies a man at the epicentre of trade and commerce. This man, Clarence, has an addiction. He is addicted to Cockney. Thank you for agreeing to be interviewed Clarence.
CLARENCE: Your welcome and may I say that is a more of a compulsion, I am not Cockney dependant.
DAVID: Ok Clarence. This, what you would call a compulsion, how does it manifest itself in day to day life.
CLARENCE: It involves obsessive disorders ranging from brief linguistic interludes on to full blown episodic Cockney behaviour lasting for days on end.
DAVID: When did you first encounter Cockney?
CLARENCE: I had been working late with a broker trading stategies on our hedge fund. We decided to go for a drink. A group of men came in speaking a mysterious and seductive language, they challenged us to a game of darts. The drink flowed, one thing led to another and by the end of the night I had been involved in my first knees-up.
CLARENCE STARTS DANCING AND SINGING: Knees up mutha brown, knees up mutha brown..
CLARENCE SITS DOWN: Sorry, sorry about that.
DAVID: Its ok, and I believe your behaviour became more unpredictable as a result.
CLARENCE: That night was the catalyst, the following weekend I was going to the West End with my wife to watch a play and I went to the toilet in the theatre, escaped through the window and got a cab to East London to see Chas and Dave.
DAVID: Then the lying started?
CLARENCE: I rang my wife and said I had a call from a venture capitalist who required asset management with his portfolio. The truth was though I was drinking Britney Spears and ended up elephant's trunk. I had to tell the Duchess of Fife a few pork pies when I got back to the Pope in Rome.
CLARENCE STARTS TAKING DEEP BREATHS.
DAVID: I understand this must be difficult for you. You became acquainted with some senior Cockneys that evening?
CLARENCE: They became acquainted with me. I told them where I worked and my curiosity with their way of life, then it escalated.
DAVID: Escalated in what way?
CLARENCE: They began targeting me on my route to work. First off, flower sellers and barrow boys became more apparent en route to The City. Then a rag and bone man would pass within earshot of my office and he was selling The Economist as well.
DAVID: How did you react to the pressure?
CLARENCE: I had no sooner had a frank discussion with a Japanese Futures investor about the debt-snowball method when I cracked and went on a three day Pearly King Binge. I was out of control.
DAVID: Who were these peddlars, desperate to reel you in?
CLARENCE: They were a cabal of powerful Cockneys and their ultimate goal was the Cockneyfication of The Square Mile but they needed a puppet on the inside. I'm not going to name name's but one of them acted in Scum and Sexy Beast.
DAVID: I see, he shall remain anonymous. Were the movers and shakers in high office aware of these fifth columnists?
CLARENCE: Not initially, though when I started buying lorry loads of old pianos and placing them in JP Morgans, it raised a few eyebrows. I attempted to gather everyone round the joanna for a ding dong at the end of each day, muttering an excuse about stress relief.
DAVID: The Cockneys had you by the Niagara Falls by that stage?
CLARENCE TAKES CLOTHES OUT OF A BAG AND HAS CHANGED INTO AN OLD STYLE CHIMNEY SWEEP. HE DARKENS HIS FACE WITH COAL.
DAVID: Clarence, Clarence are you ok?
CLARENCE STARTS SINGING AND BOLTS OUT OF THE ROOM.
CLARENCE: Chim chimney chim chimney chim chim cheroo.
HIS SINGING GETS QUIETER AND QUIETER AS HE GETS FURTHER AWAY.
DAVID: I'll think we'll have to end that there.
