Doctor Sketch

Int. Doctor's office. MR. SMUNT is seated in front of the desk with the doctor on the other side of it.

DOCTORo what seems to be the problem Mr. Smunt?

SMUNT:Well doctor, I've been having these chest pains recently.

DOCTORNODS) Mmm. Mmm. Sharp pains?

SMUNT:More sort of tight achey pains.

SMUNT GESTURES VAGUELY AT HIS CHEST

DOCTOR:I see.

DOCTOR GETS OUT HIS STETHOSCOPE AND PERCHES ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF SMUNT.

DOCTORid you tell anyone that you were coming here?

SMUNT:What? No, why would I? Why do you ask?

DOCTOR:Could you unbutton your shirt please?

SMUNT:Eh? Oh, right.

SMUNT UNBUTTONS HIS SHIRT.

DOCTOR:And you didn't see anyone you recognised in the waiting room?

SMUNT:I only moved here three weeks ago, I don't really know anyone yet. Why?

DOCTORh, no reason. This might be a bit cold. It's one of the laws of being a doctor I'm afraid!

DOCTOR LEANS FORWARD AND PLACES HIS STETHOSCOPE ON SMUNT'S CHEST

SMUNTLAUGHS NERVOUSLY) If it's too cold, maybe I should have a local anaesthetic? (PAUSE) It's not all that cold I think I can probably manage without an epidural. Am I supposed to breathe in or cough or...URK!

SMUNT STARTS SHAKING IN HIS CHAIR, OBVIOUSLY IN SOME PAIN. THE STETHOSCOPE STAYS ATTACHED.

SMUNT:What are you doing? Stop!

DOCTOR GRINS EVILLY. HIS VOICE GETS A BIT JAMES EARL JONES.

DOCTORon't try to fight it Mr. Smunt. Just relax, I need your insides.

SMUNT, PROTESTING THE WHOLE TIME GRADUALLY SHRIVELS UP AS IF HIS INSIDES - BONES AND ALL - ARE BEING SUCKED OUT THROUGH THE STETHOSCOPE LEAVING JUST AN EMPTY AND FEEBLY STRUGGLING BAG OF SKIN.

SMUNTuh...please...don't...help me!

DOCTOROBVIOUS SATISFACTION) Mmmmmmmmm, yum.

SMUNTSOBBING WEAKLY) No doctor, please...

DOCTOR GRABS SMUNT'S FEEBLY PROTESTING SKIN BY THE ANKLE AND DRAGS HIM TO THE DOOR. LOOKING OUT HE SEES THE COAST IS CLEAR.

CUT TO: DOCTOR DRAGGING SMUNT DOWN A CORRIDOR

CUT TO: DOCTOR DRAGGING SMUNT DOWN SOME STAIRS AND OVER TO A FURNACE.

DOCTOR THROWS SMUNT INTO THE FURNACE AND CLOSES HIS EYES, SMILING HAPPILY AS HE LISTENS TO SMUNT'S DYING SCREAMS.

CUT TO: DOCTOR SITTING BACK AT DESK, CUDDLING HIS STETHOSCOPE. HE PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE INTERCOM.

DOCTORend the next one in please.

This has a real macabre Tales From The Crypt quality to it, but I didn't laugh.

I really like the writing in this one, but like Graham, it didn't make me laugh. I think the ending was a bit too mysterious to be funny.

I love the name, Mr Smunt!

I agree. I suppose I didn't really intend it to be funny. It's more a horror sketch in the same style as a comedy sketch but I thought I'd post it anyway. I can't actually imagine anyone filming it either but sod it, sometimes I write stuff just because it's in my head and I want it out.

I thought it was great for what it was. I'm glad you've got it out of your system, though.