Here is a sketch about tramps, it's not that funny, but what do you want for free? -
To be shot in the style of a Childrens' BBC documentary about careers. A Presenter and a 10 year old boy called Billy are walking through a London Underground Station.
PRESENTER:
Hi, welcome to When I Grow Up. I'm in the London Underground today with young Billy Matthews to investigate a most fascinating and unusual career. What would you like to be when you grow up Billy?
BILLY:
A bum.
PRESENTER:
That's fantastic Billy. To get you started, we've employed the skills of professional vagrant Mike ‘Mental' McKenzie to be your guide.
(Mike is stood in a very nicely framed shot at the end of the train platform).
MIKE:
Obviously, I didn't begin my career as a homeless beggar. In fact I was a recruitment consultant for over fifteen years.
(Mike is sat in a puddle of urine by an escalator grabbing people's coats as they walk past)
MIKE:
But luckily in Thousand and Two, I lost my job and my wife and kids left me. And the rest, well, the rest is history.
(Mike is rifling through bins, looking for change in the chocolate machines and stealing a hat full of money from a busker)
MIKE:
I'm quite well known on both the Piccadilly and Bakerloo lines, but it's my dream to be renowned throughout zones one and two.
(Mike is led away by Underground Workers and the Police)
MIKE:
But to do this job, you really have to be a people person.
(Mike is shown punching commuters on a busy tube train and calling them all f**king bastards)
MIKE:
And though competition is fierce.
(Mike and another tramp are fighting over a can of strong lager on the train platform)
MIKE:
We're all on the same side at the end of the day.
(Mike is having sex in a pile of rubbish with an elderly homeless lady)
The camera then focuses on Billy.
BILLY:
When I was younger, I wanted to be a Crusty.
(Billy has dirty dreads, a F**k the Police t-shirt, facial piercings and has a dog on a piece of string)
BILLY:
Then like all kids, I went through my crack head phase.
(Billy is in an off license brandishing a knife menacingly towards the shopkeeper)
BILLY:
But one day, I went to the park to sell my body for drugs and saw the most amazing sight.
(Two tramps are having a bare knuckle fist fight and are surrounded by other tramps cheering them on)
BILLY:
I knew then that becoming a full time derelict was the job for me. So I packed up my belongings and left the squat for good.
(Billy is walking away from a boarded up front door with a stick over his shoulder with a knotted polka dot hankerchief on the end. The camera pans up to show the squat on fire and Crusties hanging out the window waving for help)
PRESENTER:
Do you have any advice for young Billy here?
MIKE:
Yeah, give us a quid you little bastard!
BILLY:
F**k off, you give me a quid or I'll cut ya!
PRESENTER:
I really don't think that's appropriate…
BILLY:
Who f**king asked you, you stuck up bitch?!
MIKE:
She looks loaded, let's get her!
BILLY:
Yeah!
The Presenter and Cameraman start running away, pursued by both Mike and Billy.
PRESENTER:
That's all we have time for this week on When I Grow Up.
BILLY:
That camera's worth a few quid and all. (Billy lunges for the camera) Give me that camera you tosser!
PRESENTER:
Join me next week when I meet eleven year old Sally Beaumont who wants to be a lap dancer with a sideline in cheque book fraud. Byeee!
Not bad, not bad at all RC.
Really like it! I could imagine how it could be played out perfectly.