Good News, Bad News

NEBSWORTH: Hello Doctor. Are my test results back yet?

DOCTOR: Ah, Mr. Nebsworth. The good news is that I have your test results. The bad news is that new government targets force me to present all information as a mixture of good news and bad news.

NEBSWORTH: Umm. OK. So my test results?

DOCTOR:Yes, I have some good news and some bad news about your test results.

NEBSWORTH: Oh. Well give it to me straight doctor, what's the bad news?

DOCTOR:I'm afraid you have cancer. The good news is that you will only have it for about three months.

NEBSWORTH: Three months! So there's a cure?

DOCTOR:Ah. Well the good news is that there is a cure but the bad news is that due to your postcode, we can't give it to you.

NEBSWORTH: But you said I'd only have cancer for three months!

DOCTOR:The bad news is that you will only have it for three months because then you'll be dead.

NEBSWORTH: But what about the good news?

DOCTOR:The good news is that the cancer is only in your brain so you can still be an organ donor.

NEBSWORTH: But that's not good news for me!

DOCTOR:The good news there is that you can write to your MP to complain but the bad news is that you will probably be dead before he replies. But the good news about that is your MP actually needs a kidney transplant at the moment and you're a match.

NEBSWORTH: Erm…good…bad…good… But that means you're missing some bad news?

DOCTOR:Yes. The bad news is that your MP is in the wrong postcode to get a kidney transplant anyway. Which of course leads to the good news that your kidney is no longer needed for transplant and so you qualify for a new experimental drug.

NEBSWORTH: Phew!

DOCTOR:But the bad news is that your MP will probably die from kidney failure before he can approve funding for this new drug trial.

NEBSWORTH: (BURSTS INTO TEARS) Doctor, please just tell me if I am going to die!

DOCTOR:Ah. I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news in that respect.

NEBSWORTH: (SOBBING) Just tell me.

DOCTOR:The good news is that with the treatments currently available to you, the cancer can be held back for an average of five to ten years.

NEBSWORTH: Oh thank goodness!

DOCTOR:But the bad news is it's actually the MRSA which is going to kill you.

Genuinely funny. Very clever. Love it.

Maybe change the last line to incorporate "the bad news is"; I feel it works best if you stick to the routine in this case.

But really excellent. Good work.

Ingenious funny and envaibly pacey.

This is maybe one of the best Zig Zag sketches I've seen here.

Reminesent of the 2 Ronnies with a hard political edge.

Very clever, very funny.

Cheers guys.

Tommy - done.

Quote: sootyj @ September 15 2008, 2:23 PM BST

Reminesent of the 2 Ronnies

View original

Sooty, that is simultaneously the worst spelled but best bit of praise ever.

Ace piece of writing. I'd love to see this scene played as a 'Yes Prime Minister' exchange between Sir Humphrey and Prime Minister Jim Hacker. This piece is reminiscent of Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn (writers of 'Yes Prime Minister' ).

Also, if this scene is ever played on stage or screen - make it straight actorslike Paul Eddington and Nigel Hawthorne (both r.i.p.), as opposed to gurning, grinning 'comedians' or certain so-called 'comedy' actors.

The good news is that this is excellent.

The bad news is that I didn't write it.

Quote: Nigel Kelly @ September 15 2008, 7:11 PM BST

The good news is that this is excellent.

The bad news is that I didn't write it.

View original

That's an amazing sketch. Clever, well written, good dialogue. Also pacy, so can imagine the viewer trying to keep in touch with the next joke whilst still laughing at the one previous.

Yes, I agree with all the above.

I pictured Ronnie Barker when I read the Doctor dialogue.

Old School comedy ... but very clever!

As much as I like this (it's an excellent idea) there are a couple of problems to my mind.

1. We know what the Doctor means when he says he'll only have the cancer for 3 months. Having it said out loud just labours the point.

2. You have a logistical problem in that the patient is told he's going to die early on and by the end is still asking the question "am I going to die?"

If I were you I'd leave the "You'll only have it for three months" part as your punchline and let the audience work out the bad news. The MRSA bit isn't much to close on.

'tis a good idea with good ideas nestled inside said good idea.

Ace sketch. Only started reading stuff in Critique since I posted something up myself but there's a fair amount of talent.

I presume a BSG sketch show has been mooted before, aye?