Two Blokes in a Pub

Well it's put up or shut up time and as a brand new aspiring comedy bod, I thought I'd put up one of my sketches for critique. It's the first in a series of sketches about two men who discuss film and television programmes in the pub.

As I am a total noob, any suggestions, critiques, advice, feedback, etc. would be greatly appreciated. My goodness, this is a nerve wracking experience. Let the onslaught begin.

Two Blokes in a Pub

Episode 1 - MAGNUM

Bloke 1 and Bloke 2 are returning to their table in the pub with a pint each.

Bloke 1:
…and that's why the kid's have to take worm tablets.

Bloke 2:
So did you watch it last night?

Bloke 1:
Watch what?

Bloke 2:
Come on, moustache, musclely body, flowery shirt, dogs, coconuts.

Looks at him quizically.

Bloke 2:
Magnum, you git. They're showing it on cable again.

Bloke 1:
Oh right, yeah that was great, Magnum. Though I always had a problem with that show.

Bloke 2:
Yeah, in what way?

Bloke 1:
His love life.

Bloke 2:
His love life?

Bloke 1:
I know, I know, there was a lot wrong with that show…dodgy perms, Higgins' Doberman fetish, using a bright red Ferrari as an undercover car, etc…but what really got to me was Magnum's love life.

Bloke 2:
Go on.

Bloke 1:
Every time Magnum met a bird and fell in love, she'd get shot in the face.

Bloke 2:
What?

Bloke 1:
No, seriously. At the end of the show, Maggers and some bit of totty would be snogging on the beach. She'd say, I love you Thomas, I could stay on this island forever and then bang! Assassins bullet in the back of the neck.

Bloke 2:
No.

Bloke 1:
Yeah, each time.

Bloke 2:
Not each time, I saw one once where he fell in love and the girl didn't die.

Bloke 1:
What happened to her?

Bloke 2:
She went to jail forever, apparently she was the killer all along.

Bloke 1:
See?! Alright she didn't snuff it, but tragedy still ensued. It's like every time Tommo met a hotty and got it on, you knew something terrible was going to happen. It's like the writers deliberately made sure that Magnum would never find love with a woman.

Bloke 2:
No wonder he was a gay icon.

Bloke 1:
Exactly.

Bloke 2:
You'd think that in real life, if every time Magnum met some chick and she died on him, he'd develop some sort of complex. You know, he's a detective, he'd figure out the pattern.

Bloke 1:
Obviously. Right, I'm Thomas Magnum, some gorgeous bit of fluff wants me to find her missing twin sister or something and there's a real spark between us. I mean this could be it, proper love, marriage, kids, the whole bit. Yet I know, if we go out on one date, then she's gonna die. So what do I do?

Bloke 2:
It's a moral dichotomy.

Bloke 1:
That it is. But if I was Magnum, a tortured soul with a graveyard full of dead girlfriends, I'd tell you what I'd do every time I met a bird.

Bloke 2:
What's that?

Bloke 1:
I'd knock one out. You know, bash the bishop, choke the chicken, have a quick one off the wrist.

Bloke 2:
Have a wank.

Bloke 1:
That too. Better a five minute act of self abuse then a life time of guilt and bittersweet memories.

Bloke 2:
You know, if you were Magnum and you were having a wank, would you think about your dead girlfriends while you were doing it?

Bloke 1:
You're a sick boy, you know that? Of course I wouldn't be thinking about the dead ones, you weird twisted pervert...I'd be thinking about the one who went to women's prison. Duh?!

Bloke 2:
Pint?

Bloke 1:
Pint.

Here's my critique:

Lines like this "Bloke 1:…and that's why the kid's have to take worm tablets." are very cliche and not funny. It adds nothing to the direction of the sketch, so dispense of it!

This bit of dialogue is long and unnecessary in my opinion:

"I know, I know, there was a lot wrong with that show…dodgy perms, Higgins' Doberman fetish, using a bright red Ferrari as an undercover car, etc…but what really got to me was Magnum's love life."

You should get to the point quicker.

The whole wanking section seemed a bit cheap to me too. The ending wasn't funny either.

The concept of two men talking rubbish head to head has been done so many times before. To try and pull it off you really need something that's original and stands out. In my opinion this didn't.

You could tidy up the whats wrong with Magnum speach a tad.

Also I reckon Higgins as a gay assassin keeping Magnum single?

But I degress that's ace, very funny, good ideas strong characters.

I really liked, can we see the same guys discussing Knite rider?

Thank you so much for your comments.

Higgins as a gay assassin is class - I'm stealing that (with your permission).

The Two Blokes in a Pub idea is certainly not new, but it is dirt cheap and can be done virtually anywhere (though a pub is preferable). I won't be able to re-invent the comedy wheel until I can become established. So in the meantime, I'll have to play it safe with the tried and trusted route. Boring, I know, but I'll upset the apple cart when I'm famous.

I do have a tendency to over write the dialogue, so getting to the point quicker is a good idea. However, wanking is funny, especially when I do it.

I don't have the guys discussing Knight Rider but they do talk about chick flicks 'Why do women find thousands of people dying in a frozen watery grave romantic?', the class differenes between the Munsters and the Addams Family, Angela Lansbury solving exactly 24 murders a year and what to do if she shows up at your crime scene, Donald Duck allowing his three nephews to run around with their bollocks out and the Fonz's closeted bisexuality.

Thanks again for the replies.

Cheers,

RC

I enjoyed it. Good observation re. the girlfriends dying etc. You could shorten or break up a speech or two, e.g.

Bloke 1:
See?! Alright she didn't snuff it, but tragedy still ensued. It's like every time Tommo met a hotty and got it on, you knew something terrible was going to happen. It's like the writers deliberately made sure that Magnum would never find love with a woman.

becomes......

Bloke 1:
See?! Alright she didn't snuff it, but tragedy still ensued.

Bloke 2:
How's that then?

Bloke 1:
Well, every time Tommo got it on with a hotty, you knew something terrible was going to happen.

Bloke 2:
What, that Magnum would pop his cork too soon?

Bloke 1: No, you twat - like the writers made sure that Magnum would never fall in love with a woman.

Bloke 2: Or a man.

Bloke 1: God forbid.
______________________________________________________________________________

Plus - No mention whatsoever of Higgins' crap English accent! It's up there with Dick Van Dyke's.

Blokes 1 & 2 give them names - makes it an easier read.

Agree with Winterlight regarding the wanking bit - unecessary.

Agree with Sooty re. Knight Rider or even Cagney & Lacey (were they secret lovers?)

Duly noted Morrace, you're re-write was bang on. I will give the characters names and learn to break up the speeches a bit.

Thanks to Sooty, I can re-write the ending to show Higgins holding a smoking sniper rifle and wearing a Magnum t-shirt.

I will attempt to write a shorter version with Knight Rider as soon as I've finished eating my eggs.

Cheers,

RC

Well, here it is, sort of, Two Blokes in a Pub talking about Knight Rider. It does need an ending, so all you David Hasslehoff fans (both of you) put on your comedy thinking caps and suggest an ending.

Knight Rider

HENRY ENTERS THE PUB AND WALKS UP TO TERRY WHO IS STANDING AT THE BAR.

TERRY:
The usual?

HENRY:
Can't tonight…(puts car keys on table) I'm the designated driver. The Missus is getting pissed up at bingo.

TERRY:
You know what you need?

HENRY:
A wife who likes walking?

TERRY:
No, the Knight Industries Two Thousand.

HENRY:
I don't want to shoot her.

TERRY:
No, the Knight Industries…KITT, the car from Knight Rider.

HENRY:
Oh yeah, that would be cool. I could drink as much as I like and the car would take me home.

TERRY:
However, there is one massive drawback.

HENRY:
Go on.

TERRY:
If I remember correctly, KITT was a pissy little bastard. You think your SatNav is annoying, imagine that sarcastic shit having a pop at you every single day.

HENRY:
(puts on KITT's voice) Nice parking Michael, you ran the red Michael, don't overtake on the inside Michael…You're right, I'd smash that twat with the crook lock within twenty minutes.

TERRY:
Forget that, what if you woke up the next day and you had been sick in the car or dropped your kebab everywhere. KITT would have an eppy.

HENRY:
Not true. The Hoff was a massive alcoholic, KITT would be used to it. I think if anything, the car would be grateful that I didn't piss all over the seats.

TERRY:
Do you think that's why he became an alkie? Because he didn't have to drive anywhere?

HENRY:
You'd drink too if your job was a glorified mini cab driver.

TERRY:
Oi, I am a mini cab driver!

HENRY:
And do you drink?

TERRY:
Granted…But he was quite lucky you know, Michael Knight.

HENRY:
Lucky?! He was an undercover cop who got shot in the face and when he woke up, he looked like David Hasslehoff with a perm, I wouldn't call that lucky.

TERRY:
No, he was lucky that he got a cool name, Michael Knight. He was named after the corporation that saved him, Knight Industries.

HENRY:
I see where you're going. He could have been Michael Tesco or Michael Virgin or even Michael Burger King.

TERRY:
Yeah, would you watch a show called Burger King Rider?

HENRY:
I'd watch one called Virgin Rider.

HENRY'S MOBILE PHONE RINGS.

HENRY:
Speaking of things that have to be ridden…(answers phone) Yes my sweet, you're ready now? I'm on my way.

HENRY HANGS UP THE PHONE.

I like it you've got a sweet little runner there, 2 strong characters who just stand back and let the comedy role.

Very funny, more than welcome to Higgins gay assassin.

Is it true that in the final episode they reveal he was the billionaire all along.

I'm not sure if Higgins turned out to be Robin Masters (the billionaire) because Airwolf and the A Team came out and I was watching those instead.

Spookily, the house was called Robin's Nest, so the circular nature of the Brit Com comes full circle (hence it's circulary-ness) or something.

I liked that bit better RC, although ending could be improved. After Henry hangs up phone: Crap punchline alert.

Henry: Anyway mate, see ya later. I'm Hoff.

Great! Loved this bit:

HENRY:
I see where you're going. He could have been Michael Tesco or Michael Virgin or even Michael Burger King.

TERRY:
Yeah, would you watch a show called Burger King Rider?

HENRY:
I'd watch one called Virgin Rider.

Plus ----

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ September 14 2008, 3:50 PM BST

the A Team came out

View original

They were GAY? What ALL of them - even Mr T?

I quite like the worm tablets line, and the point of a piece like this is that it does ramble and take longer than it needs to get to where it is going.

The dialogue had a nice natural feel to it, but for me two blokes riffing needs a distinctive twist to make it work. There should be something about the characters, the settings or the topic under discussion, that provide an original angle. Otherwise it is a conversation you had down the pub with your mate.

I've just read the second sketch, and I thought it was stronger than the first. Some very nice lines in there, and the characters came across stronger. But I hold to my basic point.

Quote: Timbo @ September 14 2008, 4:14 PM BST

I quite like the worm tablets line, and the point of a piece like this is that it does ramble and take longer than it needs to get to where it is going.

The dialogue had a nice natural feel to it, but for me two blokes riffing needs a distinctive twist to make it work. There should be something about the characters, the settings or the topic under discussion, that provide an original angle. Otherwise it is a conversation you had down the pub with your mate.

I've just read the second sketch, and I thought it was stronger than the first. Some very nice lines in there, and the characters came across stronger. But I hold to my basic point.

View original

EASTENDERS WRITER:
For me two blokes riffing needs a distinctive twist to make it work. There should be something about the characters, the settings or the topic under discussion, that provide an original angle.

SPEIGHT/PINTER/ABBOT = a conversation you had down the pub with your mate.

I can't imagine having a conversation down the pub with Pinter. I would want to fill the pauses.

Quote: Timbo @ September 14 2008, 4:34 PM BST

I can't imagine having a conversation down the pub with Pinter. I would want to fill the pauses.

View original

Ergo - I can't imagine having a conversation down the pub with Matt Groening. I would want to slap my hand over his mouth every time he said "Doh!!"